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Dear Cassey,

How do you stop comparing your life to others? I’m turning 30 soon. I live with my boyfriend of 2 years and we have talked about our future. I feel secure in us but can’t help but compare my timeline to friends/society. I want marriage and kids and I feel confident that I’ve found the person I want to share those moments with. But I can’t help but feel like I’m “behind”. At this point it’s not likely I’ll be married until I’m 32/33 and likely won’t have kids until I’m 34-36. I know age is just a number and women have healthy pregnancies later in their 30’s but I sometimes feel like I’m behind or old in getting to these milestones one day (hopefully).

Thanks!

Caught in Comparison

dear cassey blogilates year planner life

Dear Caught in Comparison,

It sounds like this is a really happy and exciting time for you! You’re in a solid relationship with someone you can see yourself with forever, and you’re planning your future together. That’s amazing!

I’m not starting with that to make you feel guilty or like your feelings are invalid. I just wanna show you how comparing your life to others might be robbing you of excitement for the future and serving up some serious self-doubt. But how do you avoid comparison? It’s so frustrating!

Everyone’s lives are plastered all over social media and in your face constantly. And that’s making you look at what you have and STILL wonder if you’re doing enough. I’m assuming what you’re comparing your life to goes beyond social media though… it’s what we’re expected to believe is the social norm. And that’s tough to ignore.

And it’s not just you! Societal pressure is something we all deal with over and over and over, on repeat.

People who eat healthily and workout compare themselves to others who “look better”.

Moms compare themselves to other moms who are “doing a better job”.

Young couples compare themselves to other couples who can buy homes in big cities and wonder if they are “successful enough”.

My point is… it always seems like mayyyyybe everyone else has it together more than us. But giving in and comparing takes away from living and enjoying the present.

Back to your situation – I TOTALLY get why you feel “behind.” Sometimes it feels like as women, we can’t really win, you know? We’re supposed to work hard for careers, live our lives, travel, AND have fun…. yet make sure we don’t wait too long to start a family.

But there really isn’t one “right” timeline, and girl – you are still young! Not only do you have PLENTY of time, but no matter what, some pieces of your timeline will be out of your control. Stressing about it is just not worth it. Live life in the present and enjoy how things fall into place! Because they WILL.

Also – chances are, someone out there is looking at your life wondering if they should have waited LONGER to start a family. Sometimes thinking about things that way helps when I’m stuck in comparison mode. There’s no perfect track to live your life. And honestly, wouldn’t it be kinda boring if there was?

Comparison is normal and your feelings are normal. Hopefully, this little chat gives you a different perspective so it’s easier to soak up your current happiness and just let life do it’s thang. I’m excited for what’s coming for you in the future!

PS – If you have a burning question you want to ask me, I’m taking questions via text at 510-692-4556. Currently this only works for US and Canada. If you’re outside of those countries, you can leave a question below.

The Conversation (24)

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  • Sammie46 says:

    Dear cassey,
    Throughout my weightloss journey I hv lost 20 kgs and I got fitter and healthy but recently it’s changing. I am workout out regularly still not able to see any changes at all. Infact I lost my state of fitness too I have got belly fat and thigh fat n arm fat and no matter how much i workout nothing seems to work. My boyfriend my mom my brother and my friends hv started commenting on my weight and I m extremely sad because may be that’s because I m constipated from an year and that may be the reason for my looking fat I m always bloated and my digestive system is not improving even after taking ayurvedic medicines for it also I hv started taking fruits n vegetables more and I hv left all the packed food too but still not getting anywhere. I am so frustrated. I just wish my body could transform to the way it always did.

  • Shannon says:

    Hi, I’m 17 I have lordosis I’ve been to a cyropractor and before COVID-19 hit I was getting sports massage top help strengthen my back and some days its really painful and when working out I always have a space between the floor since my back is more curved its difficult to keep my back down onto the floor. Also, I have horses so I ride around 2 hours everyday and then cleaning them out and doing other jobs throughout the day, I can be in more pain some days and I feel my body isn’t what a 17 year olds should be, my legs sometimes pop out of my hips, my shoulders hurt, my arms aren’t as strong as what they should be so when riding horses they go numb from over working them and I know I’m damaging my body more and more when I ride. For 17 my body shouldn’t be feeling drained and tired. I also have self confidence issues even though I am skinny its not something everyone finds appealing so id like to look more curvy to balance out my skinniness.

    I have only just started doing your work outs to help improve my body to help out with horse riding so I’m less in pain and not damaging my body even more, Id like to say that you have inspired me to do work outs every day since I used to do them on and off and I was never really committed, so thank you for being inspiring and for doing what you do.

  • kitra says:

    Dear Cassey!
    I follow you on youtube for 5 months and I’m excited about your way of training and communicating with followers, so I decided to write you. I don’t know what to do, but I hate my bode. I don’t like sport in general but I push myself to do workouts. From the middle of March and to the end of April I’ve had to workouts a day every day without pauses. And i still felt that it’s not enough. I am always angry at myself. But I don’t see changes and I’m so tired that now I haven’t power to anything. I feel awful and I know that I look awful, I know that I should do something, but I don’t know what exactly. For me reflection in the mirror is disgusting, I just try not to look in mirrors, it’s easier during the quarantine. I can start crying when I see my fat thighs or belly. Sometimes I am literally hitting myself
    I feel your positive vibes and want to ask: can you give some tips to start accepting myself or push myself more effective to improve my body?
    Thanks a lot for your positivity and energy!
    Kitra

  • Lore Irigoyen says:

    ” There’s no perfect track to live your life” That was my favorite part! Excellent answer ♡

  • Never enough says:

    Dear Cassey,
    First of all, I wanted to compliment and thank you for everything you do. You motivate so many people including myself and show me what I can do to live a better life – I really love your videos.
    But this is actually already where my problems begin. I feel like I never do enough. When I only work out for 10 minutes because I don’t feel good, I ask myself why I didn’t do 30 minutes. When I worked out for 30 minutes, I ask myself why I didn’t do 45 minutes. I think you csn already see where this is going.
    When I ate mostly healthy for a week, I ask myself why I didn’t eat completly healthy.
    When I did work for my university for four hours, I ask myself why I didn’t do five.
    As you can probably see, it is a problem that I have in all aspects of my life. So here is my question: how can I be proud of myself and see that I don’t need to be the perfect Wonder Woman to be happy?

    Thanks for your answer!

    Never enough

  • Emily says:

    This post speaks to me!!! I start to feel like I’m doing something bad when I try to change myself. Then my family makes it all about them as if I’m trying to attack THEM!!! It’s super tricky too having all the temptations around. I’m super looking forward to this summer when I’m moving back to my studio and can control what food is surrounding me. Til then it’s taking a lot of willpower and forgiveness to get through negative family and loads of junk food constantly surrounding me.

  • J says:

    Thank you Cassey, this is such a wonderful reminder.

  • Karen says:

    Hi I am 57 with 5 children and two grandchildren and a proud member of the POP Army. Im here to say that I tell my girls (and my 17 yr old granddaughter)…. live your life and have immense fun doing what you love and cementing your relationship as you get to know each other. (People who play together stay together…Once you have children the focus changes and you do not want to be left thinking what if we had had more fun before this? made more memories of just us? You got loads of time girl just make sure your partner wants the same as you coz we often just assume. Talk about it to get it out in the open. At least that will be a place to decide from and avoid anxiously waiting :) sending positive vibes your way x

  • Ashleen says:

    Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s difficult to remember our accomplishments, environment, backgrounds, and bodies are all different. What works for one may not even apply to you. Take it one day at a time and try not to worry about future negativity. Thanks for sharing, everything will work out in due time girl 💛🧡💛🧡

  • Busyworkinglady says:

    I feel the same but What’s worse is I’m 34 this year and am still single. I dated many times in the past and each time was hoping that guy was the last one, but it end up all of them are still not ready to settle:(

  • Maranda says:

    Hey! I’m 30 as well and in December I met the guy I want to spend my life with. I was feeling the same way because most of my best friends are married and have 2 kids and are settled in to their families. I’m happy with where I am though, I got to go on so many vacations and do so many things with my friends and family that I may not have got to do. I’ve established myself in my career and am all set for when/if I need to take time off. I think there are so many negatives when we compare our lives but we need to find the positives of why we are living our lives the way we are. I hope you find peace in your situation and are happy with where you are! I know many people would be very jealous! Take care :)

  • Erin says:

    Ah, I feel the same, I too struggle so much with comparing myself to friends in relationships when it seems that whenever I find a guy I like and things are going well, it stops. Especially with this whole Covid-19, I have been having an especially tough time dealing with the end of a relationship, watching other people flourish. I have been focusing on my fitness, and eating better and picking up hobbies, but yes one of my biggest faults is comparing myself to others. I hope everyone is staying safe. <3

  • Vanessa says:

    I wonder if the person Caught in Comparison can talk to their boyfriend about starting a family sooner? Not to rush things. I feel like if they are happy together, maybe they can go ahead and seal the deal. But if she’s unhappy just because she wants what everyone want there could be a deeper issue. But if she’s unhappy simply because she’s ready to move things a long, I think that’s okay. I hope she figures something out!

  • Sashaaax says:

    Dear Cassey,
    I struggle with my self esteem and, although I am slim, I always feel like I’m not good enough. Im only 14 but I’m always dieting and exercising. I have grown up in a house where the female members of my family are constantly trying to lose weight and I suppose that has made me dread putting on weight. Watching tiktok videos and scrolling through my Instagram I am surrounded by photos of almost perfect girls and that always gives me a downer.
    I also have skin that is ok on a regular basis but as soon as I put makeup on I flare-up. Without makeup and surrounded by constantly heightening beauty standards, I tend to look in the mirror and hate what I see.
    Do you have any advice on how to help with my struggle to be happier with myself, and how to stop feeling such a compulsion to diet and eat less, which may end up resulting in eating disorders. I used to hear stories of girls falling into these eating disorders and think ‘that’ll never be me’, but I’m scared of what I might become.
    Love you Cassey! Your such an inspiration and I would be thrilled if you replied! Xx

    • Vanessa says:

      I know I’m not Cassey, but I hope she responds. I remember when I was 14 and nitpicking every aspect of myself and then I look back at pictures at your age and wish I just smiled and had fun. Last year I reached my highest weight ever in my late twenties, and you know what? Life went on. No one made nasty comments. I still traveled, read books, and laughed a lot. I still have friends who care about me. I finally learned to love myself and let go. I wore leggings instead of jeans and stopped caring about my weight.

      I can’t even imagine how much harder things are for you right now with social media. Back when I was a teen, I compared myself to glossy magazine girls and I developed body dysmorphia. I know this may be easier said then done but delete your Instagram and delete your TikTok. Look at women you admire for their brain and personality and who are leaders (Malala Yousafzai, Emma Gonzalez, Shonda Rhimes, Emma Watson, Tina Fey). Pour yourself into projects or a cause you love. Drawing, video creating, reading, yoga. What’s your passion right now? If you put your heart into it, you start worrying about if you’re good enough. I promise you, you already are!

    • Desiree says:

      Hi Sasha! I’m not Cassey but I hope I can offer some wisdom. It’s okay that you’re feeling this way. Fourteen is such a hard time, whether you’re in high school or starting and yes all the girls on tik tok do look rediculouslt perfect!! It’s so hard to measure up, right? And what I hate about our society is that it teaches girls that their natural face isn’t beautiful! Listen to me, if make up makes your skin break out then I’d stop wearing it or I’d look harder for a brand that doesn’t give you allergies! I never wear make up and people are always telling me I look beautiful and have great skin, and a lot of that is cause I never clogged up my pores with junk! I know it’s hard and scary but it’ll be better for you! Also as for your feelings about your weight, there’s no easy way to get over it. You’re going to have to actuvely re-train your brain through something psychologists call Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Every time you have a bad thought just say “no” to it and replace it with a positive mantra. It feels like lying at first but it works! Work out to feel strong and healthy and accomplished!! But if you’re chasing the perfect body, there’s always going to be someone thinner, prettier, and more active. Chin up, girl, the teenage years don’t last forever! I believe in you!

    • R says:

      Dear Sasha, Girl I think we all went through the same thing as you do: and you know what? Chances are your friends or high school classmates are all going through it. It sucks being a teen, but you have to know: nobody becomes thin and be magically happier. It’s just not how things work. So please do not start any weight loss plans. At this age you need nutrients to grow and get stronger and stronger. Only thing you should focus on is to try to choose healthy alternatives. But most importantly: your body is changing so much in these years, so don’t worry! Regarding the makeup issue. I am sure you look lovely without makeup, but if you really like to use them, then try to find products without denat.alchohol or perfume in it and I am sure your skin will get better. Also hidration is key so drink lots of water, get a good night cream and a good sunscreen. Try to look for Bioderma or Eucerin products for eg. And don’t forget to have fun with your friends. You only live once you know. ;)

  • Martine says:

    Just what I needed to hear, thank you!

  • That’s so true! A lot of people may be looking up to you and comparing themselves to you. Just like how we compare ourselves to somebody else.

  • Aimee15 says:

    Hi Cassey, I’m restarting my fitness regimen a year after having a baby. I feel like I need to start at the beginning, can you recommend which workout or plan I should start with first? Also do you videos so I can see I’m doing the postures and positions correctly?

    Thanks and love Aimee.

    • Alyssa says:

      Congrats on your new addition! Cassey’s Beginner Calendars are great! But before you start any core-intensive program make sure you check that you haven’t developed diastasis recti from your pregnancy. There are some great YouTube videos that will show you how to check, and show you core exercises that will help to safely close the ab separation. I did not have diastasis recti after my pregnancy, and I started with the Beginners calendars and progressed to the regular monthly calendar. They worked like a charm! Good luck!

    • Thumper says:

      I dont have kids but I have restarted my fitness routine. what I did was started with today on Cassey’s monthly calendar. I could only get threw one video with breaks but I didn’t hit pause I just took a break and stretched. But now I’m finishing entire days. So just start. If it’s a couple bicep curls with the baby or a can as weight anything is better than nothing hope it helps.

  • Rachel says:

    Hi Cassey!
    A friend of mine recommended your videos to me, and I love them, you transmit such a great attitude I love that.
    but i have a huge problem, I hate working out, it´s really hard for me because I´ve never liked it, so I just don´t do it, so any exercise just wears me out really fast and I get bored and tired so I leave it. I´m almost 20 years old and I would really like to change that, could you give me any advice on how to get motivated or what exercises I can do to get started? You should know even though I don´t like working out your videos have made me a little more active.
    Thank you!!

  • AISHANI says:

    Dear Cassey
    I have a hard time making my exercise seem flawless. If I didn’t get through a video without pausing Or don’t do all the reps I just feel that I wasted the whole time workout and it would have been better if I didn’t workout. There was a time when I used to workout for fun but after having low back pain from a desk job my core strength became weak. and because of that all my workouts suffer. Food became my comfort I even started binge eating. Can you please help me to regain my core strength and enjoy the workouts and not find solace in food 🙏🙏💓

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