I’m on a flight to the East Coast right now and I’m not feeling good. Lately, a lot of things have been bothering me. Most of them – well, maybe all of them – are because of people. I spent the Uber ride silently crying and then the first part of this flight with tears rolling down my cheeks.
I’m been doing a lot of self work on my own emotions because I know that I shouldn’t let others have power over how I feel. I know that I can’t control my environment but I can control my reactions. It’s one thing to know this…but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to truly live it.
You see, I think my problem is that I have some unhealthy relationships in my life. But I stick with them because these people aren’t just strangers or acquaintances that I can easily excommunicate. Some of these people are blood related or we have some deeply rooted history. So…it’s complicated.
I am not crying because other people are making me upset. No. It’s never anyone else’s fault really. The fault is always with me. Especially if I want to give myself the power to change things up. It’s my responsibility.
So, what’s my fault? My fault is that I set expectations for people. And when they don’t meet them, I get really disappointed. In fact, it’s more than disappointment. Because these people are such a big part of my life, what actually happens is heart break. And then a slow hardening and almost blackening of my heart.
You see, I am well aware that my problem is this: I keep setting the same expectations for the same people who have never been able to meet them (or they’ve only met them on occasion). I want people to be better, to be nicer, to be more considerate, to be more respectful, to be more grateful, and to be more caring. I am not asking anyone to be someone they are not. But I am asking them to be better versions of themselves.
Is it bad of me to want that? Am I asking too much?
Maybe it’s just my personality to want to continually be a better person everyday. But I understand that that is not everyone’s goal. Maybe some people think they’re fine just where they are and that there is nothing they need to change. And you know what? I’m not anyone’s parent (except for Sir George’s) so I really have no right to tell people how they need to grow. So I get that.
I just don’t get people who aren’t open to reaching their potential. People who knowingly or unknowingly self-sabotage because it’s “comfortable.”
Maybe my problem is that I am not surrounding myself with the types of people who think, live, and love more like me. Or maybe I’m totally missing something. And if so, someone, please tell me straight to my face! I would LOVE to know what I am getting wrong here.
Sometimes you can choose the people you want to surround yourself with and sometimes you can’t – because you are born into it. That’s when things get sticky, muddy, emotional and just downright nonsensical.
Over and over again, I try to have “truth talks” where I voice how much the other person is hurting me but I am met with defense. Why am I always willing to be at fault – willing to change – willing to say that I am sorry – when others cannot simply open their minds to hear me?
I don’t know guys. I’m getting exhausted. It’s really tiring to keep compensating for people’s actions, especially when I feel like I have to be perfect for everyone else. Do you know what I mean? I get BERATED, HARASSED, and BULLIED if I do one little thing that someone didn’t like. But it’s fine. Because it has to be. I’ve taught myself how to turn my missteps into lessons. I just can’t say the same for everyone else. Maybe it’s something they should teach in school.
Anyway guys, I will continue self-work on controlling my reactions. I just don’t really know how to deal with people close to me who keep defending their hurtful actions. I am not really sure what to do.