Unhealthy Relationships: the kinds you can’t get out of

Hey guys,

I’m on a flight to the East Coast right now and I’m not feeling good. Lately, a lot of things have been bothering me. Most of them – well, maybe all of them – are because of people. I spent the Uber ride silently crying and then the first part of this flight with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I’m been doing a lot of self work on my own emotions because I know that I shouldn’t let others have power over how I feel. I know that I can’t control my environment but I can control my reactions. It’s one thing to know this…but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to truly live it.

You see, I think my problem is that I have some unhealthy relationships in my life. But I stick with them because these people aren’t just strangers or acquaintances that I can easily excommunicate. Some of these people are blood related or we have some deeply rooted history. So…it’s complicated.

I am not crying because other people are making me upset. No. It’s never anyone else’s fault really. The fault is always with me. Especially if I want to give myself the power to change things up. It’s my responsibility.

So, what’s my fault? My fault is that I set expectations for people. And when they don’t meet them, I get really disappointed. In fact, it’s more than disappointment. Because these people are such a big part of my life, what actually happens is heart break. And then a slow hardening and almost blackening of my heart.

You see, I am well aware that my problem is this: I keep setting the same expectations for the same people who have never been able to meet them (or they’ve only met them on occasion). I want people to be better, to be nicer, to be more considerate, to be more respectful, to be more grateful, and to be more caring. I am not asking anyone to be someone they are not. But I am asking them to be better versions of themselves.

Is it bad of me to want that? Am I asking too much?

Maybe it’s just my personality to want to continually be a better person everyday. But I understand that that is not everyone’s goal. Maybe some people think they’re fine just where they are and that there is nothing they need to change. And you know what? I’m not anyone’s parent (except for Sir George’s) so I really have no right to tell people how they need to grow. So I get that.

I just don’t get people who aren’t open to reaching their potential. People who knowingly or unknowingly self-sabotage because it’s “comfortable.”

Maybe my problem is that I am not surrounding myself with the types of people who think, live, and love more like me. Or maybe I’m totally missing something. And if so, someone, please tell me straight to my face! I would LOVE to know what I am getting wrong here.

Sometimes you can choose the people you want to surround yourself with and sometimes you can’t – because you are born into it. That’s when things get sticky, muddy, emotional and just downright nonsensical.

Over and over again, I try to have “truth talks” where I voice how much the other person is hurting me but I am met with defense. Why am I always willing to be at fault – willing to change – willing to say that I am sorry – when others cannot simply open their minds to hear me?

I don’t know guys. I’m getting exhausted. It’s really tiring to keep compensating for people’s actions, especially when I feel like I have to be perfect for everyone else. Do you know what I mean? I get BERATED, HARASSED, and BULLIED if I do one little thing that someone didn’t like. But it’s fine. Because it has to be. I’ve taught myself how to turn my missteps into lessons. I just can’t say the same for everyone else. Maybe it’s something they should teach in school.

Anyway guys, I will continue self-work on controlling my reactions. I just don’t really know how to deal with people close to me who keep defending their hurtful actions. I am not really sure what to do.

151 thoughts on “Unhealthy Relationships: the kinds you can’t get out of”

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  1. Betty says:

    Cassey, I read this a year ago and I related to it so so much. I broke that toxic relationship. I read it now again because I am stuck with this problem again. It always has been there. Last time it was easier, but this time it is a friend I have known for half of my life. It can be tough when your friend is harsh. I don’t know where this will go, but reading the comments and your post gives me strength by knowing there are people out there going through the same thing as me.

  2. Jacenta says:

    Cassey, you are SUCH an inspiration to so many of us and I want you to know that you are such a good person and you don’t deserve negative people bringing you down! I have negative souls in my life that I have finally said enough too, and have put myself first and use positive affirmations and kind self talk to help battle the negativity but it’s so hard isn’t it! Why must some people be so selfish and yes at times down right evil! Let’s not let them ruin our days ❤️ You are selfless and are so loving 🥰 You are wonderful! love from Ontario, Canada 🇨🇦 ❤️



  4. MAYA says:

    Cassey, your people are narcissists. Minimize contact. You have to do what you did in college to take back your life but now with time. Take back your time.
    With narcissists, only extreme TLC works, but it is hard to give because they are such jerks. Minimize contact. Your nervous system is a sponge it absorbs and builds a reality out of what it has access to. Minimize contact and you will revitalize your experience. You already know this. Now give yourself permission to do it. You don’t have to break contact. Just stop having the heart to hearts. They are totally pointless. Pointless for health. They are very purposeful in degrading happiness. Go, lady. You are awesome.

  5. Mali Richardson says:

    Oh man Cassey, I feel yah. I just got back from visiting relatives for my Grandma’s 98th birthday-go grandma! While my grandma is awesome everyone else is…barbed and unaccountable. I moved states away at 18 for good reason. I realize the more unhealthy people behave the more energy they’re exerting to shield from further emotional pain and the more they have to soothe the current pain they experience. Pain from framework layed down as a child until the critical voices of adults become their own voice inside. Stepping back gives me compassion. Actually having to DEAL with these wounded and bluffing family members that had a major hand in what is now my critical inner voice is another matter. They’re just bat shit crazy, there’s no other way to put it. And, despite themselves they have some very good qualities and have done some wonderful things. And have showed me where I still have work to do. Years ago in Ala-non (friends and family of alcoholics which means I’m on the codependence side) I heard a saying that keeps on applying: Going to an alcoholic for emotional comfort is like going to the hardware store for bread. For that matter, going to any of my older family members for emotional sustance or even for them to fulfill their agreements is putting myself in the position of not having my needs met. Doesn’t mean their bad people of course, they’re just wounded people who haven’t and maybe never will start or progress on working on their inner crap. So until they become enlightened I guess they’re here to show me where I need to grow next! Nothing like that big gift from those long time relationships. Engaging with them does show me how much I’ve grown. I notice my perception is that I freak out and feel out of control yet with the skills I’ve learned and practiced my behavior and actions are far different (and healthier) then what they once were. That all being said I feel I still need some help unraveling this and am going to find a counselor and start counseling again. While having a big heart and wanting to grow can feel more bitter with the mirror of family and long time relationships, making my way back to inner strength, awareness, vulnerability, and forgiveness (some day 😜😄) are more than worth it. I deeply appreciate you’re candidness about where you are and what you’re feeling Cassey. You talk about real ish because you’re authentic. And you’re community has got you. You know, dem hoomans that are also trying to grow here. Much love. 😘💞

  6. Mirlene says:

    i was really impressed reading this because it seemed like i told you my life. I am currently in that situation and ask myself the same questions…i do hope that one day women like us will be able to handle our emotions in a more healthy manner where we will not be affected by the other person’s actions and i really respect and admire you for putting that raw emotion out there.

  7. josephine says:

    Hi. Thanks for sharing. It is difficult to excommunicate your relatives but give yourself a break and pray that they may change their habits in future.

  8. Jeanna says:

    I can relate to this. My advice is to get hurtful people out of your life. Will it be messy, painful, complicated? But will it worth it in the long run? Definitely. And if you have someone who keeps letting you down that you just can’t totally kick out of your life, then limit your interactions with that person and have realistic expectations — accept that they are never going to change.

  9. Jenny says:

    Holy smokes!! This was me on Sunday night!!! Word for word. Struggling with all of this right now and not understanding how to lessen my expectations or move on. Thank you for this.

  10. Rachel says:

    Just stop caring!
    Cassy, you are amazing! You inspire people all over the world and around you, stop wasting so much energy and time on people that don’t reach your expectations, focus on the ones you love and really respect and honor you, just knowing that you have all this amazing energy should lift you up and don’t drag you down, trying to be perfect is fine but there’s a border that we can’t overcome, and you’re emotional state is telling you exactly that!
    Love so much! Strong hugs!
    Stay strong!

  11. Alex says:

    Hi Cassey, I never comment but this one touched me. I know what you mean. And sometimes, the only way forward is going through a grieving process. Grieving is a circular process, but it has stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes, the grieving has to be about the relationship that never was, and that never will be, the way we longed for it to be. So at first, we might be in denial and keep believing that it will, one day, get better. Then we might get angry and hurt when it doesn’t. But we keep trying, keep bargaining, keep hoping that if we talk this way, behave that way, and try this, it will change. And we keep getting hurt and angry in the process. Until we start slowly realising all that we’ve lost, all that never was and never will be. And it is sad. Very sad. But we let it be what it is. We embrace the sadness. We grieve what we never had and never will have with these specific people. We allow ourselves to feel sad for the little person inside that needed something else. We allow ourselves also to feel sad for the person in front of us that is incapable of loving us the way we need them to, and that is probably wrestling with their own wounds and demons. And we let it go. Accept it for what it is, letting go of hopes and expectations. It’s actually a beautiful thing, when you can reach that place, because then you are no longer trying to change anything. You are free. This is the place where you can be yourself, where you can forgive, and move on. And this is sometimes the place where nice surprises happen 😉 It’s a process, one that can take years, but I hope you can find your way through it and find healing in it. You are a beautiful and amazing person, you are enough, and you are doing enough. There is nothing more you need to do to deserve love. You ARE LOVED. Maybe not the way you would want to by the people you would need it from, but that’s the thing you can set yourself free from, so you can receive all the love out there that is for you to take, and let it fill you and heal you.
    Hugs 🙂

    1. Melanie says:

      Thank you. I am a recent survivor of domestic violence and i am fighting for my life everyday trying to figure things out. What you said has given me strength as i am just living my days moment to moment fighting the pain of not only a break up, but the pain of being abused. Again, thanks and bless you.

  12. Selena says:

    Wow, this is truly an amazing message Cassey! I’m tearing up because this is so relatable since I graduated from college last summer, and now I feel like I can motivate myself to be myself and stop letting others mold me to the person they want me to be. Thank you for the post!

  13. Jordan Bynum says:

    First of all, I want to let you know that you’re NOT crazy. We set expectations for people and, you hit the nail on the head, when we do that people often times fall short (especially if we are comparing their current self with the self that they have the potential to be). A healthy boundary and expectation is always agreed upon by both parties and talked through. I’m learning that the hard way in marriage and in life. I just want to let you know that you are one of the most encouraging people in the world!!!!!! You give off so much positivity and light to all around you! If your friends don’t give you life too then it’s okay for you to set boundaries and expectations with those friends! The clearer and more spelled out the better!!!! In any case, I hope all of that makes sense. You’re not crazy. Relationships are hard but you’ve got this!!! I’m proud of how you are already processing this! ❤️ Praying that all you will be the best person at navigating relationshps.

  14. Jonalynn says:

    Cassey, I can empathize with you. I’ve known people like the ones you’re talking about and in all honesty I’ve also been that person whom failed to live up to other people’s expectations. Either way, I felt like crap in those situations. As far as what you said about “being comfortable,” it is a huge motivator or rather demotivator because there is no incentive to change. I can relate to that. I put off having major medical procedures that could have completely changed my life because I was “comfortable” with being in pain and was too scared of the unknown to do what was necessary until I was in dire straights. My point is people have to want to change and sometimes it requires them to get very uncomfortable first.
    That all being said, I recommend the book “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott. It may help you gain some perspective and help in your dealings with difficult people in general. I also recommend “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. As the author says, ” you only have so many f*cks to give so choose them wisely.”
    Hope this helps:)

  15. Zati says:

    Cassey, this is the story of my life. I am sort of glad that I can relate to you. I have always been kind to people, always understanding, respecting but a lot of those times, my actions are not reciprocated. I hate it, it makes me blame myself over and over again. I hate that I care too much, I hate that I always try to please people when people barely think of what I feel.

    I am tired too and I am also trying to change myself. For whatever is worth. Thank you for this post Cassey, I don’t feel so alone now.

  16. Nat says:

    We all have our own paths, desires, and goals in life. And we can’t control other people, no more than we can control our own environment. We can’t even control our own emotions and reactions; sometimes we simply feel the way we feel, and we can accept those feelings as valid parts of ourselves. What we can do is choose how we react to our reactions.

    I think that one of the worst things we can do for ourselves is to make our happiness contingent on the expectations we create of the world around us, and of others. Because neither the world or other people are here to make you happy. You have to do that for yourself; just as you were not born to fulfill the expectations of anyone else but your own, so too are other people. And one of life’s greatest challenges is to set down your ideals of how you think the world should be, how you think people should be, and instead unconditionally love them and support them for who they are, right now. Just as you would want them to do for you. Because that’s the nourishment that people need to really, truly grow. Not expectations, not pressure; no matter how well meaning those things might be. Just simple love, and unconditional acceptance. Love the people around you enough to embrace their flaws, their shortcomings, their failures. And in time, they will grow into the people they need to be, on their own terms. Just like you have. (:

  17. Mandi Dana says:

    Hi Casey,
    First time reading your blog, although I follow you on IG! My take is that your emotions/crying is out of a need for deeper connections. Blame is never productive, whether it’s yourself or others. There is no fault, there just is. Pretty much all anyone is trying to do ever is to meet their fundamental needs for certainty, connection, significance, etc. So they act in ways that work for them to get those needs met. The way the people in your life are doing that is not jiving with your way and your needs are not being met. My suggestion to you is to look for what you can appreciate about the situation or people. It doesn’t always have to be roses but you can choose to see the gift/value in everything if you want to. That will serve you on a higher level. There is always a flip side to a sh*tty situation if you are looking for it. What part of you is being pushed to grow & expand in these moments? Is this a message that it is time for you to expand your relationships. The great thing about family is that they are a constant, even when they don’t know how to love you the way you need. People can only take what you are willing to give, and most of the time they will. Rise above and focus on the gifts and you will find the answers. Good luck to you!

  18. jessi says:

    I love you Cassey and you inspire me <3 Thank You

  19. Leah says:

    Maybe instead of controlling your reactions, take some time to think about where that person is coming from. They dont owe you anything. You need to check yourself before anyone else. Setting expectations of people is your own problem, and it’s not that they are not reaching their full potential, it’s that they arent making you happy. If how you come off to them is as if you know better, then maybe there is a reason for them getting so defensive.

  20. Liz says:

    Please write more like this. You are voicing concerns that my brain was struggling to put together.

  21. kate_alexa says:

    Dear Cassey,
    The first thing that strikes me when I read this post is that it is not your fault, don’t blame yourself in this way! I understand that we all should be responsible for our emotions and reactions but you know, sometimes people we love do shitty things to us and it does hurt. It is ok to feel down or to feel hurt for a little bit, acknowledge how you feel, even if just to yourself, then you can pick yourself up and find a way forward.
    You said in your post that you want the people in your life to be a better version of themselves but they often let you down when they don’t do this or when they don’t meet your expectations. What I have learnt in life is that sometimes you have to let the people you love in your life make their own mistakes, even if you know they are hurting themselves. It is not your fault they do this, it is their own choice and they need to be responsible for their own actions. You should not feel guilty for this because it is not your fault or your responsibility it is theirs. Try not to carry their weight on your shoulders. You are a beautiful person who has helped many people and you should be proud of this. Continue on your journey spreading love and happiness and let those who want to follow, follow and let those who chose another way go their own way. In their own time they will come to a realisation where they may chose to change but none of us can choose this for them. The choice is within them and not you, therefore you have not control over it. I say live and let live. It may sound harsh but sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go.

  22. Rae says:

    I love your blog, Cassey! Thank you for being so transparent, honest and articulate with your feelings. This one really hits home…

  23. Melissa says:

    The media is like food, I think some of it is so toxic and some is not. The you tube videos you have created have changed my life. I look forward to the bits of wisdom and I actually feel like you cassey are my friend. I feel strength and firmness where there never has been in my body and soul. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to be in your shoes. Doing so much for everyone and STILL getting harshness from people. I’m not sure I could take it, but I am thankful that you have sacrificed everything it’s taken to get where you are today to inspire so many of us to workout for the right reasons. You truly sparkle from within. Please stay strong….we need you! My 3 year old says, hi cassey! Time for workout mommy and cassey!!! So much love

  24. Paige says:

    I really understand what your saying Cassey! I am a freshman in high school and I believe that friends really are complicated. I feel like I put a lot of energy into my friendships and I barely get anything in return. My friends never want to make plans with me, its always me asking them to do stuff. And it really gets me upset when they never ask me to hangout. They don’t really text me a lot either. Like on weekends, if I want to talk to one of them I’m always the one who texts them first. And I’m not that kind of person who invites myself over to peoples houses so if I want to hangout, I always have to ask them to come over and it gets tiring when I’m always the one who puts in the effort. So I really related to this blog post and if you have any tips please let me know!

  25. Charlie says:

    I honestly can relate to this a lot. I have this one friend that recently dropped out of school but none of our friends know why. She had never wanted to make plans, we had to make all the effort, and we would have to reach out and stay in touch with her. We have been friends for years, I mean years. We have known each other since we were tiny, but it just seems like the more energy and time you plough into the friendship never seems enough and, I realised I don’t actually know much about her because she doesn’t talk about herself, ever or open up. It was really sad because we only talked to her really in school since she was so absent in our social life when she dropped out of school it was like she was a ghost. She never texts or calls, she never wants to make plans. When I ask her to she says she is up for it, but then backs out last minute and makes an excuse to us all. All of our attempts to help her and to understand have just gone south. It comes to a point where you just have to accept that it’s not you, and if it isn’t your doing you can’t un-do it! Some poeple will just be the way they are, and that’s fine because that’s the life they chose. But you can’t control their emotions, only your own. So stay strong Cassey, you are such an inspiration. All we can do is our best but people will be who they are, just as they have the right to be. But that doesn’t mean we have to be that way our surround ourselves with them! So final thought, friendship breakups are hard, my heart goes out to those who are also going through one!

    1. Alyssa says:

      To be honest it sounds like your friend could be depressed. This is how I can be during depressed periods. I withdraw from everything, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to go out. I would keep trying to reach out to her and find out what’s really going on.

  26. Samantha says:

    i just read this because my computer was acting up, i think one of the best ways to let things like this go is to not take it personally. That’s at least what they say to do in therapy with family/close people. also they say to not keep them as close anymore to your heart, and i know that sounds bad but its what is needed. i love you cassey, I can always look to you and know you go through the same things i do. i just wish you didnt have to go through things like this because this sucks. im sorry

  27. Zappy says:

    They say that when you love someone… you give them the power to hurt you. Getting hurt and hurting others because you want the best for others is part of love and relationships. And loving others even if you don’t get it back is what truly love is. It’s sacrifice, it’s forgetting yourself for the sake of others, which makes us more humble. Be cheerful no matter what what life throws you… because how you show love for others will never be in vain… they’ll be thanful because you never give up on them. And a greater reward awaits beyond life here on earth… we love you Cassey.

  28. Sam says:

    Omg Cassey we are in the same boat. I have high expectations for other people and I always wind up disappointed. Like you, I am always trying to better myself and I don’t understand people who do not share that mindset. I hope we both realize a solution!

  29. Pinysia says:

    Hi Cassey 🙂
    First i want to say that you’re not wrong sweetheart :))

    All i can see is that the only problem is communication.. I don’t know how big the problem but have you ever talk about it heart to heart to the people that hurt you? if yes and they not want to change just leave them.. you already do your best.. i know it’s not easy especially if you really close to them but if they don’t appreciated you, why you have to think about them? i can see that you’re really a nice sweet caring person.. they don’t deserve you..

    And if you can, it’s better for you to find a new community or friends that can motivate you and have the same mind with you 🙂 from my experience as Christians, i love having community group once a week where i can share my feelings, meet new friends and getting to know God too 🙂 if you do have one, i encourage you to come :))

  30. Kennie says:

    Paragraph 12 & 13 sound as if you’re doing a lot of self-compromising 🙁
    You shouldn’t be so willing to compromise yourself when the other person is won’t “simply open their minds.” I hope you can relieve the pressure. Lots o’ Love <3

  31. Kelsey says:

    I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s never easy trying to figure out how to deal with people that don’t seem to consider our feelings, and it’s so much harder when these are people we love. That’s something I often struggle with too. It can be so hard. One thing that has been sort of a game-changer for me was when I was introduced to the idea of considering the underlying need behind the feeling. When you think about it, any emotional reaction we have is based on one of our core human needs that either is or isn’t being met. Sometimes I think identifying that need and relating that to the person and offering a positive solution (even if it’s as simple as saying you are open to figuring out a solution with them) has helped with how I manage my reactions. Sometimes it helps the other person to be less defensive, too, though not always. Sending you positive thoughts of love and support!!

  32. Maria says:

    I understand your feeling…every now and then I find myself in similar situations. I’m the kind of person who empathize a lot. I just feel what is necessary for people to feel better and I obviously know what kind of actions or words will hurt them..so I don’t even keep them in my mind. This is why I am so disappointed when I see people hurting each other and hurting me..because all the answers are inside of us..if we know how to listen , feel others and avoid to do to others things that we couldn’t endure..the world would be different. I don’t have a solution to avoid the pain from this kind of moment I’ve experienced too, but I promised myself to always put all the love and kindness in things I do and people that are crossing my life. It will be a mistake to change because of others incapability to offer. I’m sure they will learn from you. I respect you for this…for the courage to let yourself to be hurt.

  33. madlyn92 says:

    I’m facing the same problem with the closest people to me. It’s heartbreaking and tiring. I feel you, Cassey. Hang in there.

  34. Maribel says:

    Wonder how’s Cassey’s doing with this problem?

  35. Anouck says:

    Talk with them beforehand, tell them what your expectations are of them and if they are willing (or able) to meet them. If not, how important is this to you? If it’s not that important, find a goal that suits you both, if it’s too important for you, tell them. If they’re not willing to try or they’re unable to fulfil that goal and you are unable to change your expectation of them. Let them go.

    This is how we live with other people in the Netherlands, you can’t expect people to change for you when they aren’t aware you want them to change. And maybe that makes me mean, maybe you believe the dutch are “too straightforward”. But it works. We don’t believe we’re the best version of us, we believe that every person we meet can teach us how to be better, so you learn from them, and you question their reasons for doing something. Who knows, they might have the best reasons in the world, just reasons you weren’t aware of until then.

    People are not obliged to change for you, however, if your reasoning is good enough, you might just persuade them that what you think is best for them, IS the best thing they can do. And then (hopefully) they want to meet that goal just as much as you want to.

  36. XO says:

    I could have literally written every single word of this. Cassey, your heart is amazing and beautiful. I cannot accurately express how much I empathize with you, but I hope that in some way you can feel that there are people in the world like us, and that we have each other in our hearts. Life is truly not a pleasure cruise all the way through, and like you I have moments where I feel like breaking down, but I always tell myself to pull through because frankly there is no other choice. It’s just like that sometimes.

  37. Karen Hanson says:

    Hi Cassey! Thank you for your heartfelt thoughts! I was absolutely drawn to your personality, positive outlook and personal growth desires for yourself. I just started exercising with you a few days ago and loving it, by the way!! I am immersed in a personal growth and leadership development program and have some books that I would definitely be able to recommend to you in what you are dealing with. Would you be open to some recommendations from me that will give you real perspective in those areas you wrote about in unhealthy relationships? Would love to hear from you!

  38. Chloe says:

    It can be hard to deal with this but when you talk to your family friends work mates etc the ones who love you will listen and still care about you and the ones who don’t will tell you your wrong and that you should stop complaining if people in your life physically bring you to tears them you need to talk to them otherwise you will never truly find happiness in your life <3

  39. Ellady says:

    Some times the people in are life want us to change for them so there lives will be perfect forgetting that the person they do this to is a human to and has feelings and when you speak out they feel your attacking them for no reason

    When we don’t consider are words and the thoughts of others we can bring them pain the best thing to do is to talk to them those who care will listen and understand those who don’t will turn it against you.

    You should never let the people around you ruin your day

  40. Dee M. Jones says:

    Hi..I left a comment when I first found this site June 24th. I don’t think it was ever posted. It would not take my email address which is dr_mack@ yahoo. com……it waited to use a email address I used a few years back when I published a couple of blog post on WordPress. I really hope this post get published because I have been to share my testimony on how i got my lover back …. this is a miracle. So much is going on right now…..but mostly I want say i am so happy. Dr Mack was a great helper when i my Husband broke apart from me but he later came back after i used the service of Dr Mack.

    Thank you so much for saving my marriage.
    Dee M. Jones

  41. Ann says:

    Hey Cassey, Something to keep in mind. Hurt people hurt people. This person that is close to you needs your prayers. The more you pray for this person the better you will feel. It may take some time, but it works.

  42. Liamaii says:

    Thank you for this. I am working through this as well. People are just who they are – so setting expectations for them when this goes against who they are is just a short cut to frustration and pain. I am continuing to learn to just meet people where they are at and to expect nothing in return.

    All the best for you now and always!

  43. dbwhelan520 says:

    This is 100% me. I have a hard time telling myself that just because someone is related to me doesn’t mean that I owe them anything. Blood doesn’t mean anything if they are not willing to actually know me and be in my life.

  44. Esther says:

    Hey Cassey, I so relate to this, and thank you for being so honest about what you’re struggling with. My mom was one of those people for me, for many years. We have a good relationship now though. I think it can be frustrating to take responsibility for our own emotions when other people are behaving badly, but it can also be a blessing. We don’t have any control over the fact that people often act in ways they shouldn’t (or ways we don’t want them to). I just wanted to suggest working on forgiving them, as Jesus forgives us. Even if you’re not a follower of Jesus or a religious person, his example and his teachings on forgiveness are transformative. Not that you should allow people to treat you badly – often we need to speak up, or to draw boundaries with certain people, but I think even if that becomes necessary, working on forgiveness at the same time can help. “They know not what they do”, and forgive them “Not seven times, but seventy times seven”. I will pray for you, hope that it helps. I appreciate you sharing this

  45. Emilie says:

    Hello cassey, thanks for sharing these hurtful relationships with us. I am currently reading mb rosenberg book about non violent communication and it might be worth a try. The book is full of examples and practical steps.
    Have a nice day,

  46. Cecilia Gustavsson says:

    This was such a good post! I have felt like this many times lately, and like you say, It’s so hard to know if I’m doing something wrong or if I expect to much. But why shouldn’t people be the best versions of themselfes, and why shouldn’t everyone try to be a better person everyday. I think the world needs more love and positivism!<3

  47. Flor de Lis Siria says:

    Thank you for this Cassey!
    For a whole year I have been trying to find someone or something to explain how I have been feeling. Since last summer I have been feeling exactly what you said on this post, I feel like I try to be my best and to encourage others to do their best but they take it badly and I become the bad person. I have come to lose a lot of people in my life now and to reconsider my friendships. Thankfully I still have some important people by my side but I cannot stop feeling like I m failing all the time. Due to this I became very depressed and I gained so much weight, causing my self-esteem to dip so low I felt like I was failing me and everyone/everything around me.
    I continue to feel like this sometimes but I want to tell you that you are creating a HUGE impact in so many people’s lives. I found your channel and I started working out slowly and through your encouragement I kept going even when I wanted to quit. Your words of encouragement and your daily positivity have cause me to believe in myself and the strength of my body again even if the results take their time.
    With this I want to tell you that even when you are upset and you feel like your relationships are failing you, you have become an inspiration and you have created a community that you can consider your friends. Your impact is bigger than you will ever believe because you continue to strive and show the world the best and daily improved version of yourself.
    Honestly, in my household you have become that friend I have need to fill me with positivity and joy of working out and caring for my body when I have had long days. You might not read this but if you ever do I want you to know that you are not alone in these feelings, I am able to relate to you in so many ways that I feel sometimes you are speaking to me and I sincerely thank you for your honest posts. Because of what you do I have found a new love for exercise, I have found self motivation and your words have inspired me to improve my self esteem. It is because of YOU that I have become stronger and I enjoy working out …. even when I scream “I hate you” or “why do you hate me” so often on your videos hahah! 😉 .
    I hope this post gets to you somehow and that makes you feel a little better. I truly want you to know that you are great and there is nothing that you need to fix, it is just those other unhealthy people that need to figure out how to help themselves first.
    I hope this makes sense. Thank you for all you do.
    Flor de Lis

  48. SophiaKatharina says:

    I’m an honest person, have always been. And this just causes a lot of troble because not many people are able to deal with it. So there’s this guy, and it’s very complicated, he’s reading my messages, and I know that he does care for me, but he’s not answering. And if he doesn’t like me like that, that’s okay, but if he just told me I could at least stop hoping and move on. But I don’t hear a thing from him, so I’m just sitting here … waiting … hoping. And I know I should give up on this relationship. But I can’t.

  49. XZ says:

    I love this post. I feel like this a lot and it’s hard to put into words. Thanks Cassey <3

  50. Jacqueline says:

    This struck a HUGE chord with me Cassey.
    I was let go from an internship site (which was an important step toward my career choice!) and I was constantly struggling for a while why I wasn’t able to connect with the children and families I was working with, and because I failed to do this, I was let go. It hurt so much (and still incredibly hurts because of how recent it happened) because this profession is a vocation, a huge calling to me from God. For a while now, I’ve been having trouble figuring out how to word what it was that was holding me back. You answered it! I think I was setting expectations onto the children and families I work with to interact with me in a specific way, rather than me learning how to interact the way they prefer. My expectations of how people should respond to my role wasn’t matching up, and so I thought my interactions were a complete bust. I wanted people to be open to me and share information with me so that I could help them better. The truth was, I wasn’t meeting them where they were and I needed to ask more questions and be far more observant and rely less on creating an expectation for them to put effort in interacting with me. Now that you worded it for me in a way I never could have imagined, I feel like it opened up a huge door for improvement!
    My piece of wisdom to you Cassey is to just step back in your relationships with these people that you feel uncomfortable with and find ways to come to terms with what you can do with them. Ask: “How can I help?” rather than “How can I make you happy?” If they don’t want help, or have an interest to change, that is ok! When they want the help/change, they will come to you when you are ready. You being available when they are ready is just as significant as if you intervened. It is important to not try to please everyone because that will cause burnout. I’m a people pleaser myself because I do not want to fail in their eyes and be a disappointment. Set your own expectations and let people appreciate what you do. You set high expectations for yourself and clearly people appreciate it because you have developed a successful (almost decade-long) career. You have helped many people and that is what should drive you. I hope this helps and good luck on your wedding planning! I appreciate and enjoy your new Bridal Bootcamp videos!

  51. Zohrah says:

    I am not alone U guess as other people are facing the problem that you and me face. What I should do is to take a step back and just love them. I cannot change them with their built-in mindset of those who had developed it over years. All I can say is take a step back, be happy with myself as I did tried and just love them.

  52. Kate says:

    We are all on a journey and none of us are perfect. Sometimes the imperfections we see in others are really what we dislike most in ourselves.
    We have to forgive and put boundaries in place if people keep hurting us. Just because someone doesn’t verbally acknowledge your feelings or “rightness” in a conversation doesn’t mean they haven’t heard you. Sometimes ut’s Just too much for their ego to admit they have hurt others because they truly didn’t intend to do that. Other times, they might just not have the tools to be self reflective and emotionally vulnerable to admit fault or wrongdoing.
    The perfection that we seek in Pilates with movement and using our bodies in healthy ways is not always something that naturally comes, we have to work at it. And some of us start off with better bodies, genetics etc to facilitate movement of the body, so too with the mind. Some of us through context, upbringing, education and a myriad of other personal experiences are able to move our minds more easily than others. You have tried to speak your truth, take comfort in knowing that while you may not have received the verbal acknowledgment you might have liked in that moment your truth has still been spoken and healing and growth may still take place.

  53. Kristina says:

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, Cassey. It’s one of the worse situations when you have toxic people around you (I can relate because I feel like I’ve always been surrounded by toxic people, and have has to find a way to get rid of them). It’s definitely not an easy process, because it feels like everything is tangled up in a web of ugliness. The honest truth is that there isn’t one solution to make things go away, because it really depends on who the toxic people are, what they’re doing, and there are just so many factors to consider.

    But here’s what I do know: you’re in control of what YOU do. You can’t control other people’s actions unfortunately, but you can be the pilot on how you want things in your life to go, and how you feel. That is super important, because it means giving yourself some self-care, listening/embracing your thoughts, and doing things you enjoy. The person that matters is you, and if you’re holding yourself back and trying to please everyone, it’s not going to do you any favors. It’s easier said than done, but in my experiences of dealing with friends, family and even co-workers, you need to do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be miserable and trying to please others. You deserve so much more!

    I used to be a person who always tried to do the right thing, to help people and to make people happy and do all these projects to be a good person. Over time, I burnt myself out, had people take advantage of me, talk crap about me and basically treated me like trash. It was hurtful and I felt like I was wasting my time with all the effort I was putting to making others happy. And it made me feel really jaded about everything. So I started pushing back, speaking up and saying No to people. Saying No, is hard, but we all have our limits.

    I’m usually one to try to resolve problems if I can, but in the cases I couldn’t…I let things go and cut myself off from toxic people. That includes family…I stopped talking to these folks and going to their events that I was “expected” to go to. Why should I show up and be surrounded by people who don’t care about me? It makes me unhappy and there’s no point in giving them an excuse to put me down. I’ve found that it has been wonderful not being around these people. I shouldn’t be obligated to do what’s expected of me, or live up to stereotypes or other people’s expectations (coming from a traditional Asian family, it’s a lot of pressure!). Their values are not my values.

    As Wonder Woman says, “What I do Is Not Up To You!” Take this to heart.

    Over the years, the people I’ve found through common interests have become my closest “family” members. Family doesn’t have to be through blood. Finding your tribe of people who can inspire you, support you and love you for who you are will put you in a better place not only physically but mentally. No, it’s not the ultimate answer to happiness, but it certainly helps to have lifelines that can help you out when things do get rough (because life in general is a roller coaster).

    I really hope things look up for you, and whatever does happen, just know that there are many people who have your back and believe in you. <3

  54. Joi says:

    It hurts how familiar this sounds.

    My friendships and relationships buoy my enthusiasm for life. When people inevitably failed to meet my emotional expectations, negative feelings would accumulate and hole up in my heart. It was a predictable pattern for the past few years–every few months I would cycle between a period of seeming fine, convincing myself I was fine, and then feeling worthless. During the dark periods, I cast doubt on all my friendships, evaluating them as superficial, piecemeal, and not really present. That all the people I see, we’re not so much spending time together as much we are just passing time next to each other to get by. I would constantly ask myself why do I care so much about people who don’t care as much about me? Finally I got tired of watching the pendulum swing and feeling out of control, counting down when I would spiral down another depressive episode.

    I know self-help elicits raised eyebrows sometimes, that it connotes a level of crazy synonymous with cat ladies or voodoo. Maybe thoughts similar to fad diets and marketing schemes or miracle potions. I genuinely never saw myself reaching for one but apparently there was a particular book that’s on the reading lists of many therapists, called “Feeling Good” by Dr. David Burns. It invokes cognitive behavioral therapy with little assignments you can do to practice identifying cognitive dysfunctions in your own automatic thoughts and potentially trace their origin assumptions. Some of my favorite gems were about reassessing the use of “should” in your motivation, like underperforming on an assignment or making an honest mistake and telling yourself you “should not” have done that. And going beyond that to call yourself a failure and a loser. If you wouldn’t punish a friend with that kind of language, Burns asks why you would go so far as to castigate yourself with defeating words? This was called leading a “shouldy” lifestyle, which just has the most perfect pronunciation.

    I think it has really helped me approach life with more realistic expectations, understanding, and compassion, starting with myself. It helps you contend with not being perfect all the time and realizing that humans make mistakes, herego if you “should” do anything, as a human you should make mistakes. This book has been around since the 80’s so it’s not a novel concept; heck, some of the patient examples sound almost dated or verge on slightly sexist that are kind of a fascinating glimpse into therapy from just a few decades ago.

    Regardless, reading through this was a personal project and I suggest it to anyone who has the time and desire 🙂

  55. Jessica Awad says:

    I felt your words in my heart as I read them. This sounds like what I’m going through right now. I know that I can’t change anybody except for myself, but I am so tired of feeling like I have to lose people who are close to me because I’m the only one who is trying so hard to improve myself. It makes a relationship so unequal when you feel like you’re putting in everything to make it work normally while the other person does nothing. I know that I should not base my emotions or self-worth on what other people think of me or how they treat me because they have their own problems to deal with that in turn affect how they treat me. But I am not good either at not letting it get to me. I wish I knew where to start so that I could be satisfied enough with myself to not let anyone else get to me.

  56. denisefn says:

    I relate and I’ve learned that we can’t take shit from people all the time. I’ve always been the one who would just ‘be fine with it’ and be understanding with everyone to avoid confrontations and fights, but that way I’d also always be the one who ended up hurt and who never got things the way I wished. So I started to fight for myself a little more and not just accept whatever people give me. You deserve better, Cassey, truly believe that. And if people in your life are not meeting with what you deserve, then they shouldn’t get your hard work either.

  57. Bronwyn says:

    Oh Cassey, this speaks to my heart. I remember feeling lots of similar things during the months leading up to my wedding. I thought finally my family members who had always disappointed me would want to come through. But they didn’t and when I asked for the smallest amount of help they thought I was doing something wrong. It’s like you said, I did a lot of growing and learning during that time, but they didn’t seem to even be aware they had growing to do. It’s frustrating when you realize you are more mature than people who are older than you. That was over 10 years ago and now I have accepted that that relationship will never be what I had hoped for. It’s not right, but I have found peace with it through lots of reflection and prayer. I hope you also find peace. You are a beautiful soul with very valuable gifts. Thank you for sharing your shining personality and talent with us. You are very loved.

  58. Helena says:

    Sometimes you can’t do anything. If you have tried talking about it over and over and still haven’t gotten far, you have to accept those ppl as they are or get some distance. I tried so hard with my fam my entire life and then I realized I can not get through to some of them a d things got better for my nerves when I stopped communicating with them as much as I could. We grew apart, but I was still there to see that they were still the same person year after year and that I made a good choice for my health. Becoming distant from your close fam members is hard but if you’ve done everything in your power, it’s ok to let go. The quality of the relationship isn’t only on you.

  59. Tammy says:

    “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi. We can never control what others might say or do to us. We can only control how we respond to them. Do not give the hurtful words or actions more power than they are worth. I know that is easier said than done. So, I would suggest setting clear boundaries with those family members that have hurt you. If they continue to do things that are knowingly hurtful to you then these family members mean more to you than you mean to them. For your own health and happiness, you might want to consider creating some distance both physically and emotionally between you and them. Also, you should surround yourself with positive like-minded people. Stay strong and positive!

  60. Karen S.A says:

    Oh darling let me tell you –I’ve said everything to myself you just wrote above. “why is it me? why can’t they be better? why dont they consider my feelings…” yada yada. For me, eventually i found to be a happy person i needed to remove those people from my life. I didn’t do it maliciously or angrily. I just moved forward without them and found people more on my wave length. I am soooo much happier and barely think of them. Just my .02. Its tough but your mental health is worth it.

  61. karen says:

    Oh darling let me tell you –I’ve said everything to myself you just wrote above. “why is it me? why can’t they be better? why dont they consider my feelings…” yada yada. For me, eventually i found to be a happy person i needed to remove those people from my life. I didn’t do it maliciously or angrily. I just moved forward without them and found people more on my wave length. I am soooo much happier and barely think of them. Just my .02. Its tough but your mental health is worth it.

  62. Fleur says:

    I highly, highly, highly recommend Baggage Reclaim, a blog by Natalie Lue. She has thousands of blog posts and hundreds of podcasts about having healthy relationships with family, friends, and partners. Her advice has drastically changed my life for the better.

  63. Marley says:

    Hi Cassey!
    I know what your going through, and yes, it’s hard, but things will clear up soon! To have a rainbow, you need rain.
    Go do things that make you happy! Surround yourself with positivity! Listen to music or watch a movie. Spend some time with Sir George and people who support you and love you for who you are. Take a break and just relax!
    I hope things get better soon!
    Remember, lots of people are here for you! We love you!!! Things will get better soon!
    Love from Marley =^.^=

  64. Emily Franey says:

    Honestly, I think self-work and self-reflection is great but those of us who DO this work and take it seriously, get too much of the responsibility put on us. Like you said, it is about “us” reacting better to the crappy treatment we receive from “them” and it is something I refuse to put up with anymore. There are only so many times you can try to use logic and reason with selfish people who don’t ever want to change or admit they can sometimes be wrong. Maybe they’re wired differently than us, maybe they’re connected to us by blood or other deep connections, but I see no reason to not severely limit the amount of time spent in their presence or really any contact (text, email, social media, etc). If you feel you’re out of options with how to interact with them, it is because you are. If you try and try and give and give with people who are never willing to bend, you will eventually run into a brick wall. It will hurt, and it will feel like you have hit the end of the road (and you have). This all might sound kind of harsh but I have gone through these same things and this is what I have found to be the truth, at least in my case. Maybe it isn’t possible (now) to completely remove them from your life, but my only suggestion in this case is to accept you may have no other options with how to deal with this person and need to move on to determining how/how often you will allow them to be a part of your life.

  65. Paula says:

    Cassey! I hear ya, girl. My mom always tells me that “You can’t want more for other people than they want for themselves.” My relationship with her isn’t that great. I want it to be but it’s not. I can’t want her to want it either. But it is painful every Sunday when I am there and she is constantly criticizing me.

  66. Celia says:

    Sometimes you can’t change that. It doesn’t matter if you do something drastic and physically distance yourself from that people, there might be situations where you’ll have to confront them again. You can only resist as well as you can during those momments and when they’re over return to your normal life. Maybe with time they’ll get the message… or maybe not. Anyways is not your fault or bussiness, really. If they don’t want to understand is just their fault to continue being that way. You can only control your own emotions and actions, to others you can only suggest… to convince them and change them they have to want to do that. If they don’t want to… there’s anything you can do. They are the owners of their lifes and it’s up to them to do what they want with them. We can’t have everything in life, no matter how hard you try. You’ll have to accept your life with all its shadows, and maybe someday those shadows will shrink a little… Also, I think (because I have the same problem) that you try to change that people imposing a little your own opinons. Even if you are right, you can’t do that. They act in defense because they feel attacked when you tell them how they should be. Even if you have the best intentions, even if it’s for their own good… if they don’t want to there’s nothing you can do. And you have to accept that and stop caring about it. Even if you feel that’s heartless from your part… insisting will only bring you pain and sadness.

  67. Samz says:

    I feel you. You always gotta remember to put yourself first 🙂 Protect yourself – even your feelings! We are told that it’s our reactions that matter to others when they mistreat us but one can only take so much. I was being bullied for a long time from a few family members and not too long ago I had enough and put my foot down! It’s been good not having that contact with them but I feel sad that we are related by blood and it has had to come to this. You don’t love them any less, you just love yourself more 🙂 Remember your worth and remember you are a valued woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect! You’re an amazing inspiration to millions around the world Casey so keep smiling. We have your back xo

  68. daphnefessa says:

    I think I’m almost like you. It’s my priority to get better everyday, although that don’t always happen. Actually, sometimes the opposite happens. The thing is when people don’t appreciate your effort and don’t listen to you when you try to help them, you can’t do anything. That hurts, because the people you advise, are the same people you love. I know. However, everyone has their own life and their own opinions, which sometimes are very stubborn and unhealthy. If someone is in a mood to listen, it’s our duty to advise them. If you see that someone doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, you should stop. The thing is you have to let them do what they want and feel okay about that. You tried and you failed. That’s okay, because it’s not you whose fault this is. So happy faces everywhere!

  69. Angelica says:

    Hi Cassey,
    I’m not entirely sure where the idea of controlling your reactions came from, but I really want you to know that if you’re talking about emotions–it’s impossible to control them. I think that it’s entirely unfair to expect that from yourself. I can tell you from personal experience (especially recent experiences) that trying to control emotions absolutely does not work. Trust me, I’ve been trying for a while now.
    The part of your reactions that you ‘can’ control are the impulsive actions you would want to take due to the emotional reaction (I’ve had a lot of experiences where impulsive/vengeful action was taken against me from someone who is important to me—known as abuse).
    I also want you to know that you ‘don’t’ have to be happy all the time. Not being happy or positive is a ‘perfect’ reaction to being treated badly. Like bleeding if someone cut you. Happiness and positivity is a natural byproduct of positive circumstances—and comes ‘after’ you have truly felt and thus moved through your “negative” emotions.
    For this reason, I would recommended—no matter how “close” these people are in blood relation—to distance yourself from them. It’s one of the hardest lessons we have to learn: our families (immediate or relative) may not be the ones we were born with. I can tell you this because of long years of being abused by my primary parent. It’s also because of this that I can tell you that what happened to you during these interactions is called EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Bullying is just a watered down term for EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Emotional abuse is often immediately trivialized because it has the word “emotional” in it—and it takes a trained eye to see the dynamics in this abuse, because it does often go unseen, and not taken care of properly. No form of abuse is less than another. Each one is very, very serious. Just because your scars aren’t seen, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
    Also, if the people you were talking with were being defensive after you tried to bring up an issue—defensiveness/anger is a cover emotion for shame. I’ve been on the opposite end of this for a long, long time. I’ve been forced to work with it. But if I could have, I would have left that situation, the house, the family, everything if I could have years ago (I live in very special circumstances).
    My overall suggestion to you, Cassey, is to really love yourself. You are so precious—it would be best to be around people who treasure you and respect you when you come to them with incendiary issues. Love yourself by being around people who love you. One of the HARDEST and most heartbreaking lessons I have learned so far in my life, is that: just because you are related to someone—even if they are your closest family—that does NOT mean that they love you. You can’t force someone to love you.
    So love yourself. Happiness will be the natural byproduct.
    I adore you,

    1. Emily Franey says:

      This is very accurate and I am sorry you have had to deal with that! Hopefully you are doing well and in a good emotional/safe space these days.

  70. Kiera says:

    Dear Cassey,
    I can relate so much.
    Like, believe me.
    I’ve had to separate myself from so many people because of this. Even though, yes, I still see them almost every day, we’re just acquaintances. Every time I would try and say something that I thought was for their own good, they would call me a “goody-goody.”
    It took a while, but I broke it off.
    I stopped replying to their texts, saying “sorry I was busy” etc. etc.
    They got the message, and when they confronted me about it, I told them how I felt.
    After a conversation, we “became friends again” but we never talked the same again. So like, everything’s good between us but we’re not close.
    Remember, it’s better to not have these “friendships” at all than to have “friendships” that influence you.
    Oh, and on a happier note, congrats on your engagement!!! 🙂

  71. Lori says:

    Unfortunately as we mature you will find this more and more. The good news is that if you eliminate or distance yourself from negativity, toxicity, then you have the room to surround yourself by the people who allow you to be the BESt YOU possible. People with whom you bring the best out in each other. Good luck!

  72. Lynn Brown says:

    I’d say a huge problem thats holding you back was something you stated two paragraphs ago, “it’s really tiring to be compensating for other peoples actions.” So…why do you have to compensate? Is it really your responsibility to comoensate for others faults? By doing this do you think you’re helping or enabling someone to stay in a self destructive behavior? You feel like you have to be perfect (and I know there’s more details to the issues than currently displayed especially since it seems there are multiple people doing destructive things to yourself and others) because everyone is holding you to pick up for others faults, shortcomings or wrongs. So essentially people are relying on you to fix wrongs. They hold you accountable because youre dependable, but here lies the problem. You’re NOT responsible. I could finer pick this but I would need more details. But my advice is, distance, and slowly back off for compensating for others. People can’t be their best if they have someone pick up their slack.

  73. Michele says:

    Hey Cassey, Please know that everyone has gone through this in their life at sometime. I am much older than you, probably closer to your mother’s age. So if I can pass on a piece of advice from my 50 plus years on this planet. First of all read the book the 5 love languages- it will help you understand other people close to you and how they perceive love. If you speak to them in their language then they will understand better and not be so defensive. It helped me deal with difficult family members and friends. Also there always comes a time that sometimes we out grow our friends and it is time to part ways. It doesn’t have to mean your right and they are wrong or visa versa it just means you love them and it would be better for them and you if you let it go. I know that only works with friends, the older you get you narrow down your friends- the ones you have are the best of best for you and for them!!! I hope that helps and know from an old lady I love your workouts, clothes, and your amazing enthusiasm. You are terrific and thanks for always putting your self out there- that can not be easy. Keep smiling. Love and peace Michele

  74. oplatten says:

    Hi Cassey,

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way- it really DOES hurt when people that you care expect you to adapt to their needs without even considering whether or not they are meeting your expectations, and in any relationship it’s completely okay to have these expectations- you can’t build trust and friendship, or love, without basic boundaries and ideas about how you should be towards each other, and how you should grow as a person, and sometimes when people don’t live up to even the most basic-seeming aspects of these it can really damage your self-esteem because you wonder whether you were asking too much in the first place.
    When I started university this year I’d already been let down many times by people that I considered to be my closest friends- people that came to me with huge issues in their personal lives who then couldn’t be bothered with any of mine when I needed them the most. I was so jaded about friendships and people in general- I thought nobody cared about what I wanted out of relationships, and that so few people my age have the ability to put others above themselves, which I try to do in all aspects of my life. And it still happens- I’m still meeting people- sometimes toxic people- that think it’s okay to tell me how to change myself without taking a look in the mirror, and it’s hard not to get really angry and upset- sometimes I’ve not managed to keep my emotions in check, but at the end of the day I know I’m better off sticking with the people that allow me to grow alongside them, as opposed to expecting me to do it all on my own. I think it’s so inspiring that you try your hardest to be kind every day and that you are able to control your reactions like you do- so few people can say the same! And I think it really helps all of us that you can share struggles like this too- this post made me feel like I’m not the only person who keeps being let down by crappy relationships with friends etc. and that I’m not alone in wanting people to try to be the best versions of themselves.
    I hope that whoever is making you feel this way can adapt their behaviour as graciously as you have controlled your reactions. I hope that you feel all the love and support from all of us and it can help you through the times when you feel like this! I hope most of all that you remember that you inspire so many people and that you help us to better ourselves too!! I’ve built so much mental and emotional strength (as well as physical strength) from your videos and that helps me deal with all there is to deal with each day. You’re fab!

    Lots of love and hugs,
    Olivia xxx

  75. takia says:

    Dear cassey
    be strong babe we all with you and dont worry it’s just a mettre of time i know it’s hard but you are wonderful person the only things you need it to know that you change us i believe that you are my life savor i learn from you and love you you are not alone we all with you from everywhere ….
    Takia from Algeria

  76. Selena says:

    Hey, Cassey!

    I have never gone into this much detail with anyone, but I felt it was necessary to enforce my point. The main point of this long post is at the bottom 🙂 I also experience a lot of those feelings, almost every day. When I read your post, I felt as though it was a reminder to myself. And while I am not happy that you are experiencing this, it is a little humble to know that I am not going through these kind of feelings alone in the world. That there are other people out there that are this passionate and loving and genuinely caring.

    While you and I both know that we can’t control our environments, it can be very difficult not to let it affect us since we are passionate people and like you said, we want the best of someone, and to have them be better versions of themselves for THEM. I have quite a few people in my life that aren’t the healthiest to be around, and most are blood related. For instance, my family contains a lot of alcoholics, depression, anxiety and mental illness. Almost every night when I was growing up there was a fight. Not a normal family argument, but fist fights, blood brawls and police. So I know how hard it can be to know that you need to let go of something that isn’t right for you to be involved in, but you almost can’t in a situation regarding relatives.

    I still struggle will very close relatives, and they aren’t doing things to improve their life or situation, so it is SO upsetting to see them spiral downwards. There is only so much you can do to help, but they have to be the ones who change their life. I have gotten to the point where I don’t reach out to these people much because there is nothing else I can do to help, I have exhausted all of my options and resources and they aren’t accepting them. But I let them know I am always here for them. I just can’t take watching them hurt themselves every day any more. But of course since I still care, I still worry and wish things would be better for them. So in a sense they are still in control of my feelings. Which is something I am trying to work on.

    I don’t believe wanting someone to be a better version of themselves is wrong or bad for us to want, but it just takes time to accept that sometimes they may never change. And over time, hopefully it gets easier not to let it bother us so much. Unfortunately, I can sometimes be that person that stays in the comfort zone due to my past anxieties taking control. I know what I need to do, but finding the motivation and keeping it proves to be quite difficult for me, and is something I wish I could change about myself and am working towards.

    I had a co-worker, who turned into my best friend. She decided to make some changes in her life, which I am proud of her for, but unfortunately that meant she had to let people go so that she could focus on her religion, and since I am not in her congregation that meant I was one of those people. This has been one of the biggest heartbreaks I have ever gone through, and I still feel this pang of hurt because she meant so much to me. Your comment on always taking the fault and willing to change and say sorry really hits home with me. I wish everyone could just be sensical and open so we can resolve things and move forward so we can grow!

    My whole point here is something that my mother, my best friend, shared with me and I try to remember every time I feel low and let someone affect my feelings. Sometimes people come in and out of your life for a reason. This could mean they came into yours to help you through a tough time, or to help you avoid something or make a decision. This could mean you were in someones life at the right time that they needed you and then once they got what they needed to better themselves you both move on. Sometimes these people impact our lives in such a great way that is it devastating when they are gone, but we need to learn that things happen for a reason sometimes and unfortunately we all go through heartbreak. When the person in your life is related to you, it could mean they are a reminder. A reminder of how far you’ve come. A reminder of what not to sink to. A reminder that one person doesn’t define you or make you who you are. That YOU have the power to do anything you want.

    Along with the life lesson that my mother mentioned, a book has helped me push through my emotional barriers and learn to be more focused on myself. There were a lot of things that were not applicable for me, but it was certainly worth the read and helped me sever ties with a very unhealthy relationship. It was called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. There is another book, Women Who Worry Too Much by Holly Hazlett-Stevens and Michelle G. Craske. These have been very helpful for me to center myself, goals and cope with the unpredictable surroundings that we find ourselves in.

    I hope this helps. You are not alone. We can do this! Thank you for taking the time to read this. <3

  77. Trini says:

    Cassey, first thank you for sharing your struggle so that we can all learn together. I’m a total believer in the value of vulnerability not only to build a connection with others, but to build ourselves up in the long term. Another commentor suggested looking in Brene Brown and I second that, especially the book Daring Greatly. But when reading it, instead of looking at it from a self improvement perspective, I would suggest looking at vulnerability from the perspective of the people who are hurting you. Put another way, imagine living their life and what fears/doubts/ideas could have caused them to allow their lives to stagnate. You have done so much work on yourself, it’s natural to want to share that with others but as you know, they resist it. And it could just be that they’re afraid or not ready. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s not your responsibility to improve their lives and it would help your own mental and emotional health to de-invest yourself from that goal. It might be better to just hold space for them so that when they do decide to start their self-improvement journey, you’ll be there to help. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I went through this spiral of frustration with a sibling who is avoiding graduating college and procrastinates on exploring career options. But that lack of desire to move forward in life is deeply tied to fear of inadequacy and failure which I understand but have never been so consumed like my sibling is. I used to try to force things like pick out classes for them, send them job ads, offered to write their resume for them but that stressed them out even more because I reinforced the idea that they’re useless on their own. So I had to take a step back, let them do their thing, explore/fail/succeed in their own way all the while being vocally supportive of their baby steps. My version of support from afar is to buy motivational books to help them deal with their anxiety and fear and to let them know that I just want them to be happy and self sufficient. I hope that you find peace with whatever path you decide to go down and thank you again for sharing yourself so openly! Sending you lots of love,

  78. Alison says:

    cassey, coming from someone with a very similar personality type to yours, I can tell you it’s probably not about being too much to ask. I think we just see the world in a light that many others can’t reach, and so it’s hard when the people around you do things that harm themselves in the long run that you wish they wouldn’t. For me, those are the worst relationships you can’t really escape. I’m not sure what these people do/did specifically to make you feel this way so I’ll use my example. I have a dear friend that is abusing drugs but no matter what I try to do, I can’t stop her from making bad choices. Maybe you struggle with the same problem I have – I want to take over for them to make them behave respectfully and make proper choices for themselves but I can’t. Not everyone is at the same place in this world as me and it’s hard to accept that but at the end of the day we are all in it for ourselves. Maybe just remember even though you want these people to be their best selves, it’s probably just not their time yet. Our journeys all run different paces. Try focusing on you today and remember to feel enlightened by all that you do! And remember to ( for those people you can’t drop in your life) encourage them as much as possible to improve from their mistakes and more importantly be the best version of yourself so they can continue to be inspired by you! You’re doing great!

  79. Lauren says:

    Cassey, you are a beautiful person who brings positivity into so, so, so many lives. You have changed my life through not only making me a physically fitter and stronger person but a more kind person who wants to better myself and share that with others. Know that you are LOVED and you don’t deserve this since you work so hard to better the lives of so many others. Thank you for all you do Cassey, stay strong <3

  80. Danielle says:

    Hey Casey!
    My family 5 siblings/parents/husband are all military and I think this gives me a different perspective on relationships. The fact of the matter is that whether family or friends or coworkers are near you or related to you, doesn’t mean they have the right to control you or hurt you. We move ALL the time and that helps me get away distance wise from those hurtful relationships but for the psychological damage, you need to distance yourself from those people however possible. The people who will drive across the country when you need them or show up and support when things are going wrong are the ones you need I keep close. But if you’ve tried and tried, it’s ok to let those relationships slowly fade away. It’s not ok for people to walk all over you. Respect yourself and your new family! Once kids come into play you don’t want that negative energy on them as well.

  81. ivanka says:

    I can only say that nothing is wrong to treat others with the same kindness, respect and courtesy that you do with them. Great Post

  82. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I understand where you are coming from and it does suck when it’s family or those that we can’t necessary cut out. I think it’s okay to cry but eventually we have to come to the realization that we cannot change people. This also means we cannot open our hearts to them or show our weaknesses to them because that leaves the door open for heartbreak on our end. I’m praying for you and hope you’re able to navigate through these relationships a bit better with time.

  83. Katie Naar says:

    I’m sorry. I have been living the same scenario for most of my life. What I did and needed to do was cut the toxic people out of my life. Yes it was scary and painful. That being said I made the right choice. Unfortunately we can’t choose our family. Find your tribe and love them hard. Hugs!!!

  84. kafdani says:

    Hi Cassey, this happens to me too and more and more I find myself unable to share things with the people I consider or feel that I am close too. I also keep them around because of history and the fact that I believe they can be better. I’ve thought over and over about whether or not this was toxic towards myself because in a sense it feels like maybe I am limiting a part of myself for others….to keep them comfortable, because I personally wouldn’t want to be judged so I try to do the same for them. But then as you rightly said, I would say one thing and suddenly it makes me feel like I’m all horrible for pointing out something. So generally, I don’t share much anymore with that person. Expectations really do make us disappointed and I guess that’s why people say not to go into something with expectations. But is it so bad to believe in others and give so much support? Don’t know if it’s right or wrong but I just go about doing what makes me happy despite it all and so far that seems to be working for me. <3

  85. Nicole says:

    I am exactly like you! Sometimes I feel like the world should be filled with good, caring and loving people. But sometimes the jerks also teach us to be strong and set boundaries. I am almost exactly like you. I give and give but get contempt in return. We give because we care and we expect others to give back. But instead they take advantage of us, they see our kindness as a weakness to prey on. I am picking up myself like you and I am working on myself. I tell myself that is ok to be nice, it’s also ok to say No. I can’t continue to put people’s needs first at the expense of my own happiness. I wish to meet people like you so we can help and build each other up. So that we have a story to tell.

  86. PopSter says:

    Hi Cassey.. I am so sorry bc you are going to all this stuf. I know it’s bad, really. I think that you are so positive and good person and you just want everything to be perfect. I know how u feel. You just need to CALM and ofcourse you know whats best for you. Love you💞💞💞💞 Byee❤️

  87. Megan says:

    You can’t change what you have no control over. Which can be a difficult thing to really grasp especially when it concerns people who are very close to you. You have their best interest at heart but sadly, they might not have your best interest at heart. You still have expectations for yourself, and you obviously have to have your own best interest at heart also. Maybe you can’t separate yourself completely from them, but you can shut out their toxic behavior and not let it influence your feelings or choices. I think we so often are afraid of making waves with other people but if they are the ones choosing to act in negative ways and they obviously have no care about making waves with you. They are just used to you backing down. You are an inspiration to so many people who do want to be the best versions of themselves and you never know if you may be the only positive force in their life. Don’t ever let a few toxic people stuck in their ways bring down everything you work so hard to be, we LOVE you!

  88. Jenno Nguyen says:

    Hi, Cassey! I’m very grateful you posted this because I’m going through something similar. I’ve had family and friends discredit my hard work, misunderstand me, & take me for granted. Those who hurt you can’t say that they haven’t. Continue to be brave in confronting/ stating it upfront despite it possibly leading to a nasty confrontation or being dismissed as “too sensitive.” I often feel inhibited or frustrated when people disregard my thoughts, opinions, & feelings. We deserve peace of mind & to be heard. Those who belong in your life should be supportive, understanding, & considerate; limit your interaction w/ those who aren’t. Keep those who add joy & happiness to your life instead of depleting it. Every relationship should be a mutual trade -off of responsibilities. Interpersonal communications are challenging & tricky. You just gotta be you & hope people accept it.

  89. Donna says:

    Wow. Thankyou…I am in the same situation as you but could not put it in words as you have. Simply amazing how people turn the tables when they are the ones who truly believe you are the “mental abuser”as they are using every curse word possible to describe you. And all because you try and bring to their attention their lack of compassion or understanding for other people. Tough love is difficult to follow thru with especially when you have no self esteem and are an enabler. I feel there is no way out so each day wake up scared alone and not sure where the future will bring me. Thank you for your words and I hope you find the strength to keep being the better person you are.

  90. Justine says:

    Oh My God I have NEVER commented on a blog post before but you have basically just described me!!
    I have finally (or at least I think so) identified the reason as me being extremely empathetic and sensitive compared to the average person. I also have high standards though nothing unlike that which I’d set for myself.
    But I totally understand the pain you are feeling!!!
    I feel constantly let down my people and wonder why they can’t see the hurt they are causing when it is so obvious to me. And these people are often family!
    Lately I have been working extra hard on concentrating on what makes me happy that cannot be influenced by anyone else; something that depends entirely on me. I realised only the last couple of days that having not been around them for a while I have been so much happier. It still makes me sad to think that they haven’t changed or even realised what they are doing but then I try to go back to making myself happier! 🙂

    Hope it gets better for you! It makes my heart feel better knowing there are others like me out there and I hope it is the same for you <3 <3

  91. Tara says:

    Yes! This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting this into words. I think we need to just surround ourselves with positive people as much as possible so that when we are around those who continually let us down, we are at a higher starting point. I know that when I spend time with people who appreciate me and then I come home to those who don’t, I am much better able to handle those who don’t. I am better able to see them for who they are and am better able to know that it is them and not me. Take care.

  92. One of the best things about therapy is learning that in adulthood, yes, you can choose your family. And yes, you can forgive people who have disappointed you or don’t possess the emotional intelligence you need to thrive. And yes, you can love someone and also limit contact with them if they don’t nourish your soul. Give yourself permission to only carry authentic relationships. The actual whole saying is “blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.” Don’t believe the hype. Don’t gift your presence and time to people who don’t respect you. It’s not easy to love and respect ourselves, this is the only reason why following through on this is hard. We’re not, especially as women, conditioned in self-compassion. Thank you for all that you do. Hope this advice helps you as it helped me.

  93. This is me to the T

  94. Kyra says:

    Hey Cassey, I’m sorry to hear that you’re facing some problems with people who are close to you. I know it can’t be easy. Like Maribel said if the people who are being toxic towards you and are bringing you down then you have all the right to distance yourself from them for a while or cut them off entirely, until (and if) a discussion and agreement can be made between both parties. As my mom would say “don’t stress over it, don’t let it have power over you”.

    You are a strong, giving, determined, inspiring, all-around iridescent person whom I look up to highly, it hurts my heart to know that you’re upset and was crying.
    It’s ok to cry through the hurt, mixed feelings -we’re human. We can’t always control our reactions from others say or do, but if you need to cry then cry because that’s your bodies way of telling you “hey you’re upset, let’s get some of these emotions out so that we feel better and can process what’s going on so that we can heal, grow and continue on”.

    You have about 11-12 years of life, family, struggle, and experience on top of me, I’m sure you will find a balance or harmony that will help you through this hardship.
    I hope you see this post (and others) that they help bring you some peace, strength, assurance and a big-old hug. You got this Cassey!👊🏼🤗 💗

    1. KB says:

      I didn’t see my first post and thought it didn’t upload so that’s why you may see two posts by me😅

  95. Allison Mascis says:

    You will never be able to change a person, EVER! You need to get off the self loathing pity party and open your eyes. This I am saying, as I too was once like you. Family or not, if the relationship does not work END IT! There will be many times you will have to walk into a room with people whom you had any kind of relationship with, and hold your head up high, but you never have to begin a relationship with these people again. It’s just you being the bigger person for the sake of others that you want to be in a relationship with. For example your daughter is hosting a party with relatives you just don’t like or have not changed. This does not mean you ever have to engage and have a personal relationship with again. If you find yourself in a very personal relationship with someone who does nothing to change to better the relationship, providing the relationship is not a toxic one, let that person be who they are, and accept them for looking at the world differently. This will allow you freedom in itself. If you find yourself truly not accepting a person for what they stand for, END IT! We are hopefully all here for a long time and they course of relationships will change for everyone. If it is toxic, run and run fast. Life does not stand still, nor do relationships. As the old saying goes ” when one door closes, another one is ALLOWED to open” I too understand the pity party as I’ve been there myself. The older you get, the wiser you become, so stop letting other’s control your emotions and move on and forward. It’s liberating in so many ways. I can go on and on, but I hope you understand what I am saying.

  96. popster_nina97 says:

    Hey Cassey, I’m really sorry to hear you feel that way… I wish I could give you some kind of life changing advice, but honestly I don’t know either how to deal with such situations. I can only tell you that you have many people who are standing behind you no matter what, even if you might not know them personally. Sending you lots of love and a tight hug to get through the hard times! ❤❤❤

  97. Avocadopiit says:

    Hi Cassey,
    A lot has been said already, but here a my two cents.
    First of all, this is very difficult to go through, and also very recognizable, unfortunately.
    That being said, I think there are two things at work here.
    1. You saying not wanting to change a person, but simply want them to be better versions of themselves, is, a change for those people. They either don’t see it, don’t see the urge to be a better version, because, as you said, they are comfortable being where they are. So even if you don’t view it as asking them to change radically, they will see it as a change, and therefore, it won’t work as long as they don’t want to change themselves. So maybe trying to see this as, even though it is not your intention by a long shot, asking them to change, will help you lower these expectations for them. So they can’t disappoint you.
    Also, I think it is already very introspective of you that you know you can’t change other peoples emotions, just your reaction to them, and even though that is very hard to live by, kudos for you for accepting that. (Read Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer, that is the best for learning about your own emotions and how to deal with them. It is an old book, from 1976 I think, but still very relevant, not everything of course, but enough to be very helpful)
    2. Secondly, I get that you can’t cut some people out of your life, especially when they are relatives, but maybe you can see less of them, or seeing them with people (like Sam) you love and who can act as a buffer. And try to not get your validation (if you do) from those people, because if they are anything like my dad they will never never tell you they are proud of you (once I asked my dad why he never told me that, his answer; what did you do to be proud of? Ouch) or continue to criticize everything you do (also my dad: If I sent him pictures I made I am really proud of, he always finds something he doesn’t like, or something I should have done better) and that really upset me, but now I know he is like that, he will never change. He, and I truly believe this, really thinks he helps me become a better photographer by telling me what is wrong (in his eyes!), and now I know I will never get those compliments and pride from him and I will turn to my friends who will give me those compliments and love and pride. So what I try to say, look for you friends who do value you for you and either tune out those people who don’t, or do cut them out of your life if you can’t (which is not a bad thing, cutting people out, it is very strong to choose for yourself, but I understand some people are very hard to cut out, so you have to change how you deal with them).

    And last but not least, yes surround yourself with people who do get you, who are more like you, but most importantly who accept you for who you are and give you energy and build you up and are teaching you new things, and are able to learn from you.
    But it is not black and white and either or, you can have both, and try to spend as much time with the good people, and the energy sucking negative people need to be as little in your life as possible, (preferable not at all) and when you do see them, make it as easy for yourself as possible. Short visits, no expectations, no hopes of them being different of better. Maybe see it as a dentist appointment…
    Hope this helps, and good luck to you. You are a wonderful person, please don’t forget that!

  98. 18andloved says:

    When I reflect on these things, I realized that human beings need someone to rely on, someone to put their hope on. We are not just here by who we are but because a great Someone created us and put us here for a purpose. Since I have known Jesus, it doesn’t mean problems goes away. We live in the world where darkness dwells. However, I am the one who changed. I received a new heart and a new life by the power of love and sacrifice on top of the cross. Now I know I was never alone! I sometimes still wonder what am I doing with my life and I’m still searching for what HE wants for me, but I believe that I am doing the right thing.
    I have the knowledge of what’s right and true so I’d like to share it to the world. When you feel like something is wrong with your life it means that there is an empty hole in your heart waiting to be filled with His grace. Or maybe some of you don’t realize that you’ve been walking on the wrong path.
    Seek for the truth that will free you today. May love and peace be with you!

  99. Jolien says:

    Hey Cassey
    Wow this post really shocked me, you are always so open with your blogs but this is something else.
    I know how you feel.
    I really hope you can talk to them about your feelings.
    Remember that you have so many people that love and adore you, maybe you have to look at them to find what you’re looking for in other people and let these hurtful people go. Even if you can’t really because you’re relatives. You can distance yourself from them a little.

    Love you honesty Cassey

  100. Shilpa says:

    “Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” Believe it or not, this strand of words helped me during the toughest phase of my life. I weighed my heaviest, quit my job to start out as an entrepreneur and no one had an ounce of faith in me. But I got here where I am and everything is just great. I kept searching the internet for months when I wanted to get fit and you are the only one who could get me to do workouts each and every single day without fail. You are a huge inspiration to more people than you know. I know there must be a lot of pressure on you to be perfect and to please everyone in each and every situation. But as humans, we are all allowed to have our pluses and minuses, we are all allowed to feel happy and sad. Sometimes, the people closest to you will hurt you, the only learning you can take away from that is only you should have the power to make yourself happy or sad. Don’t let them hold the strings and affect you or your life, let the world know that you have no strings and that they cannot affect you even if they wanted to. We all love you and hope everything goes well. Take care.

  101. Kim says:

    This is the situation I find myself in with a very, very close relative. We are basically chalk and cheese, except we’re also both on fire. But aside from differences in passion and interest, she’s always dumbfounded me as to just how self-involved she can be, how she truly does only take and take and never once has she given ANYTHING back. She’s never there if you need someone to talk to, even if you outright tell her you need her, but she’s hanging on the door in a heartbeat if SHE’S the one who needs a friend over things distinctly more trivial. She never visits on people’s birthdays unless she stands to gain from it herself, but is always making plans days in advance to ensure she can arrive on her own or on her kids’. She never asks what we’ve been up to, instead she blusters in and talks all about herself, and if we do have news and manage to muscle it in, she glides past it. She downplays any achievement we make but has to let the whole world know about her own minor ones, and while I know that not every achievement has to be on par with securing an art gallery exhibit or passing a driving test, she makes such a big deal about cleaning her living room that you’d think it was the size of Westminster Abbey.
    I, too, have set expectations on her based, I suppose, on those I choose to surround myself with. Being a full-time carer, as is my fiance and my father, I think I naturally gravitate towards selfless people, and while I never ask anyone for anything if I can help it, on the few occasions I’ve turned to her I’ve been shocked that she’s always rejected me. And the worst part about it is that I keep setting these expectations and I keep getting disappointed, and above all else, surprised that I’m surprised at all.

    Other family feel the same about her, but they won’t dare risk upsetting her by saying anything, and, as I admit I’ve always been a bit more outspoken than the rest of my family and even friends, I’ve tried to talk to her and every time she’s just apologised, half-sincerely, as though I’m being over-sensitive or making up problems, then continues about her own little world. There’s no talking to her, no getting through, and absolutely no change.
    So I’ve distanced myself from her. She still comes in as and when she pleases, but I choose not to share my news with her. I respond to her as she expects me to, unless she actually has news worth getting excited about, but all the while I keep myself tightly locked up because she doesn’t really want to know what’s going on in my life, and often times she doesn’t ask anyway, and I avoid thinking about her so I don’t have the opportunity to set any expectations. And since I started doing this about 2 years ago, I’ve felt better, and she, would you believe it, hasn’t noticed a change.

    If someone is that toxic, then it’s best for you – and perhaps also them, if the message sinks in – that you distance yourself. I know that’s easier said than done but in the end the excuse of ‘blood’ can only go so far. If you live with them, it’s a different matter, as I believe you said yourself a long time ago. But once you’re out and free of their daily presence, you don’t have any legal obligation to remain in touch for long. Even if you were visiting family on the run up to a huge event, for example, you don’t actually HAVE to. And if it creates animosity because you don’t want a toxic person at your wedding or in your life, then, really, it’s their loss, not yours. You just have to try to distance yourself and if anyone asks, tell them the truth. They’ll probably agree, and if the fact gets back to the offending person, then so be it. They should know, too, because it won’t just be you they’re upsetting, and it might finally put the truth of their behaviour right square in front of their eyes. And if they refuse to look at it and curse you out instead, then all they’ll have done is prove their own close-mindedness, and reinforced your own decision. Others may follow.

    You have to be strong enough for yourself, and also strong enough to set an example, because everyone in the world struggles with this, NO ONE has a perfect family, NO ONE is free of such tightly bound toxicity, nor blood struggles. Some may be more severe than others, but to the person affected, it’s unbearable whatever the situation. Otherwise they wouldn’t be so upset about it, would they?

  102. KK says:

    You have always been such an inspiration and role model to me, so it’s time that I do the same for you. My advice would be to sit them down and talk about it. Don’t be too harsh, but don’t make it seem like it isn’t a big deal either. Just be honest. Instead of saying “I don’t like when you _____________”, say “I feel ___________ when you ______________.” The most important thing is to remember that IF THEY WON’T MAKE TIME TO SIT DOWN AND TALK WITH YOU, THEY ARE NOT A TRUE FRIEND!!! If they won’t even talk with you, they don’t deserve you. Also, if you can, like if it is your friend or coworker, try become more and more distant with them so you take the bad people out of your life. If it is a family member you are dealing with, it is a little more complicated. I would just try to talk to them, and tell them how you HONESTLY feel. This will probably help a lot. Hope this advice helps! Keep being who you are and don’t change for anyone!!

  103. Cora Blackman says:

    The absence of your presence speaks volumes!

  104. Cora Blackman says:

    OMG! You must say NO to everyone & everything that steal your joy & happiness! Even if they are blood related. I fight against bullies & people who don’t respect the boundaries. If a fight is what you want a fight is what your going to get because everyone deserves respect & you should demand it no matter how many times you have to say it. Don’t stop fighting for your happiness. And silence is a great way for people to understand what you’re saying. Spend less an less time entertaining the foolish behaviors of others!

  105. ashleysays says:

    Hi hi Cassey. I appreciate you being so open and honest.
    Now, you don’t know me but by your example, you have inspired me to work out every single day C O N S I S T E N T L Y since the end of February. That’s what you did for someone you don’t know. You haven’t told me to do it, you haven’t put my hands on the computer and typed in “blogilates.com”, you didn’t tell me to press play, you didn’t have any expectations for me but I am doing it because it makes me feel good to do. Because I am in control of my own life and I choose to do it because it feels good. I’m not doing it to please you, but I know you knowing that I am doing it, does please you.

    I say ALL of that to say…you cannot control how any acts. and you have no idea what people are going through. The first one should actually relieve you, give you piece of mind. “Phew! Im not responsible for anyone’s actions. I just need to do me and be the giving, loving, open, honest person I am. If they like what I do and want to do it, good. If they don’t like it, good. It doesn’t affect me either way because I can’t control them. I can’t make everyone be like me.” Do you understand how much less WORK that is?!?! And you’re a Capricorn girl so I know you’re all about the work but that kind of work will not go anywhere because you can’t change people! And that ought to bring you some joy right now!

    The second part is, you don’t know what people are going through. Their own personal process. You’ve been doing these workouts for years and years and years and someone watching, like myself, well I’ve done them for years and years too. On and off. Stopping for years and coming back and leaving and coming back. Why? Because my journey was different. And now I’m in and I’m done and I love it and I’m so glad I can move to LA and still have you in my laptop telling me “a few more!” I love that and I needed to go through what I needed to go through to get to that point. These people you refer to are going at their own peace. Not Cassey’s pace, but their pace. And that’s wonderful, too! Imagine if everyone went at the same pace. how boring, right? everyone reaching the finish line at the same time. super unexciting. But seeing who’s leading and who’s stopped to get a drink of water and who’s falling behind and then suddenly caught up, that’s very exciting!

    And empathy! And also recognizing something in yourself. You said you don’t get people who aren’t willing to reach their potential. Is there a place in your life where you feel like you haven’t reached your potential? Is there a place in your life where you feel like you’ve self-sabotaged because it’s “comfortable”? It might be a hard question to ask yourself but if you’re able to see those qualities in another person, you’ve got that quality, too. And being able to deal with those aspects of yourself will put you back in control of that aspect of yourself instead of letting it control you.

    much love to you, cassey x

  106. Kyra says:

    Hey Cassey, I’m sorry to hear that you’re facing some problems with people who are close to you. I know it can’t be easy. Like Maribel said if the people who are being toxic towards you and are bringing you down then you have all the right to distance yourself from them for a while or cut them off entirely, until (and if) a discussion and agreement can be made between both parties. As my mom would say “don’t stress over it, don’t let it have power over you”.

    You are a strong, giving, determined, inspiring, all-around iridescent person whom I look up to highly, it hurts my heart to know that you’re upset and was crying.
    It’s ok to cry through the hurt, mixed feelings -we’re human. We can’t always control our reactions from others say or do, but if you need to cry then cry because that’s your bodies way of telling you “hey you’re upset, let’s get some of these emotions out so that we feel better and can process what’s going on so that we can heal, grow and continue on”.

    You have about 11-12 years of life, family, struggle, and experience on top of me, I’m sure you will find a balance or harmony that will help you through this hardship.
    I hope you see this post (and others)that they help bring you some peace, strength, assurance and a big-old hug. You got this Cassey!👊🏼🤗 💗

    -Kyra from VA

  107. Beverly says:

    Toxic people are real and you have to be aware that they exist and there is no cure. It is called Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Narcissistic, Sociopaths, Psychopaths) They don’t have to be criminals they are high-functioning people and they are everywhere. Its SAD but TRUE. They will never change they will just get Worse. You can research more about this personalities so you can be enlightened and protect yourself and your mental and emotional well-being. I am advocating coz I have suffered like hell but now that I am aware, it made me FREE. Hope it helps dear. Be strong.

  108. S c says:

    Try ACOA you sound like me and that is where I found the answers.
    Good luck

  109. Gabby says:

    Hi Cassey,
    I totally get where you’re coming from. I fall into the same category when it comes to people around me who might be toxic. It’s a hard call. The best way I’ve come to deal with it is telling whoever “When you do this, I feel _______” instead of “you make me feel ________”. All you can do is your best, but being upfront about your expectations and boundaries in any relationship can help. We all love you!
    Gabby from PA

  110. Maribel says:

    You are just a loving person and sensitive. Nice people unfortunately get taken advantage of. And yes you have the right to cut anyone out of your life that is hurting you in any way, that includes family. If they can’t be there for you in the way you need them then dont keep a relationship with them. Its much better to let it go. Once this person is out you get freedom. The only other way would be if you two had a conversation where both sides understood and agreed what was best. But it seems this isnt happening. And i feel for you because this is very very hard. But you deserve to be happy. Look at all you’ve done not just for the blogilates fans but yourself. You overcame. You succeeded. You do so much. I say break this relationship that hurts you. Cry it out, scream whatever you need to do for that day and then no more. You leave it behind. But you have to make that decision. Good luck on this. I hope you make the decision that feels most right to YOU. Love you Cassey ❤

    1. Liza says:

      so true. “Let it go” is the best way. Although it takes time, it does work.

  111. Am says:

    Story of my life, too, and I also haven’t fully wrapped my head around my feelings about it. I think part of this is just the burden than comes along with being committed to self-growth. I remember from my human development class that most people never reach the last stages of cognitive and moral development, being able to simultaneously hold contradictory things in their head and accept them. It’s difficult because of course it’s ideal to reach that stage, but if you do manage to be reflective and understanding enough to reach it, it seems to come with being continually in the role of being the one doing the forgiving and understanding, and that’s frustrating. I guess really all we can do is hope for the best and try to encourage and foster it in those we love, while somehow not expecting the change, and just accepting and loving people, faults included. I’m not 100% there myself, and sometimes am frustrated but I try to remind myself that loving people for who they are right now without expectation is worthwhile in itself, and it reminds me that we all deserve that kind of acceptance, even if we do personally. Ultimately we can be one of two kinds of people, one who places the burden of love on those closest to us, or one who chooses to carry that burden for others (and we should all strive to be the latter, whether or not we receive it in kind, because that’s what integrity is all about)

  112. Sarah says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this Cassey! But I gotta say, one major thing I got out of your post here is that your are dealing with control; perhaps feeling the need to control how others act/respond to you and also control over your reaction(s) to situations. One thing I’ve been learning (probably the hard way lol) is to let things go. I’ve had to let people very close to me go, very sensitive situations, and catching myself when I feel I’m starting to judge others. It has changed me in several ways (like less stress!) and I haven’t had as many disappointing encounters with those I’m close with. I know it’s hard to have no expectations of people and things that happen but being true to yourself and focusing on your ‘own side of the street’ can lead to attracting the people and situations that will support you and your goals! I also learned first degree Reiki which is an ancient Japanese healing modality and having done treatments on myself and others has brought a lot of healing internally and externally in my daily life; maybe something to look into 😉 Hope this helps and thank you for your vulnerability and transparency ❤️

  113. Madison says:

    I totally understand what you are going through and where you are coming from. I am dealing with a similar issue with my sister. I love her and all but lately she hasn’t been a person I would want to be friends with anymore. She’s been making me feel bad for not doing what I expect of her. I think it’s okay to hold people to a higher standard becuase you want them to be the best person they can be, because you care. You choose to associate yourself with them so you want them to be good people, right? I think it’s okay to be upset becuase that’s a natural emotion. I don’t want to cut my sister out of my life becuase she is family but then again I don’t want to keep being let down. It’s hard to realize but people don’t change unless they want to they are who they are so take it or leave it. I don’t think it’s too much to ask people to care about how you feel and I don’t think it’s to much for people to show you they care as well like following through with what they said they would do. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We feel how we feel and I’m sure if you had an open, honest and cordial conversation with this person things could turn around. I know I said I don’t want to cut my sister out of my life but sometimes you have to cut that person out to better yourself or you could just take a step back to reevaluate what you want and theyn continue the relationship when you’re ready. I think that’s what I’m doing. We all learn from our mistakes. Having feelings are totally normal and okay to have, they are never wrong. Never feel bad for feeling. Never feel bad for caring becuase that’s a awesome Quality just some people just don’t care as much as you. In the end it’s going to be alright. We all just want to be happy and everyone has different ways of getting there.

  114. Tove J Ghent says:

    I recommend a 12 step program.

  115. Diane says:

    I mean this in the most sympathetic loving way, just because you are blood related to someone, that’s no reason too keep toxic people in your life. I am all for having no expectations, that wall you are never disappointed. However, keeping this type of person/people involved in you’re life, can be harmful, emotionally and it’s very unhealthy..(you’re own words). Learn to let people go. Disconnect from them. It’s ok. You have till take care of you. Plus, would you want someone like that to influence your children? Break free and choose the people you want to have in your life. Chosen friends are so much better than family.

    1. Diane says:

      Ugh sorry for the typos. I should’ve proof read.

  116. Zullie says:

    I think as far trying to alwayd improve our personalities and growing as people we both have the same mindset. But yes, not everyone around us feels the same, and people we’re related to or have deep roots….well sometimes it’s best to keep our distance. Even if they are blood related or we’ve had a long and truly deep relationship with them, sometimes we need to create a distance with them. We grow, and if someone is bringing down your energy, or having you feel frustrated and it’s not anything they plan on changing, then think of it this way, they are no longer healthy for you, and you are also not healthy for them. Not only are you draining the other person too. I say Create some distance for now. Take a step back. And yeah that doesn’t mean cut all ties, but stepping back allows us to see the bigger picture. Maybe that’s something you need to do with that person or people. I wish you so much luck and love. <3

  117. Michelle says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There will be lots of opinions here for you. I myself deal with family/people issues. I learned that it’s ok to have boundaries! Best book I ever read, besides the Bible, is Boundaries. Some wisdom that I should have listened to, or did. NEVER settle for man’s good when you can have God’s best. Forgiveness does NOT mean relationship! Sometimes you have to love people from a distance. It’s NOT your fault, the way people act, they have their own issues and usually reflect them onto others. Those of us with big hearts are typically the ones taken advantage of. I’ll be praying for you to make the best decision. It seems kind of clear considering how your feeling right now. You’re stronger than you know!

  118. Ariana says:

    Hi cassey! Your post just hit me right in the heart because I know exactly how you feel… I’ve had problems with my dad basically since I was born, I have sat down countless times with him to talk about how he’s hurting me and nothing ever changes. Now I’m too exhausted and find myself treating him basically in the same way that he has treated me, and I know that it’s not right, but I literally don’t know what to do anymore I’m tired of trying to behave nicely with him when he doesn’t do the same for me, I don’t know what to do anymore…. thank you for writing this post it feels nice to know someone is going through the same as me

  119. Ang says:

    I’ve been following you for a long time. I wanna start by telling you that you are loved, you are valued, you are so adored by so many. I also know that doesn’t always mean that much when you’re hurting. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. I had someone very dear give me a great analogy. Life is like a bookshelf. You put all the people you love on your bookshelf. You keep your favorite people (the ones who love, encourage, support you) bear the bottom. You put the unhealthy ones on the top where you can’t reach them as easily. Not because you don’t love them, but because you also love yourself.

    Blood doesn’t mean that you have to accept any negative behavior. You are deserving of the love you expect to receive. If others don’t give you that, blood or not, you’re allowed to distance yourself. You don’t have to be mean, or ignore them, but change your mindset to know you don’t have to set yourself on fire anymore to keep them warm. You don’t have to break yourself to please them. If they aren’t giving you what you need, you’re allowed, & for your mental health should, distance yourself.

    I wanna re-emphasize, you are SO LOVED. I’ve even convinced my boyfriend to start doing your workouts with me. You inspire so many people. Please don’t let those who don’t value your heart break your beautiful, caring, thoughtful heart. It’s hard. SO HARD. but sometimes you have to chance your mindset.

  120. Hannah says:

    Hi Cassey,
    I’ve been following you for the past 8 years, and I feel like i have a really similar relationship with my parents as what you’re desrcibing. As much as I think you’re right about controlling your reactions, you are definitly allowed to want the people you care about to acknowledge your feelings. It’s not expecting too much to want to feel heard and like your feelings are valid. What helps me when dealing with my parents (and not letting the things they say/do upset me) is remembering two things:
    1. They want what they think is best for me, even if they are bad at communicating that or are wrong.
    2. My parents grew up in a very different time and place where financial stability was #1. They didn’t grow up in an era that values emotional happiness and mental health. They dont think about how their actions/words effect me in those ways.

    Regardless if that’s relatable or not, I hope you know how valid your feelings are. You’re allowed to want to be heard and you’re allowed to expect things from people who are supposed to care about you. I hope you’re feeling extra loved and supported this week by Sam, your sister, George, and all the other amazing people I’m sure you’ve surrounded yourself with at Blogilates HQ, (not to mention the hugely positive and supportive blogilates community YOU created, Cassey).
    Wishing you all the best,
    Hannah from Ohio

  121. Nydd says:

    Girl, whenever you talk about your family or your relationship with your dad, it’s like we’re the same. I’m currently facing a horrible situation. It looks like my dad has another family. All my life I have been struggling against a current, dealing with a very difficult family and not knowing how to escape it. But this is the final straw for me. I’m your age. I’m currently struggling career wise and family wise and this is just a bombshell that is killing our family and us. And what can I do? I’m legit considering just not speaking to my father ever again. Whenever you describe your issues with your dad it reminds me of mine. Add to all that crap, the fact that he has been lying to our family this whole time. After being such a strict and controlling father he has this horrible secret and we’re finding out just now. I think it makes him a hypocrite and a horrible person. He never supported us in anything. Let us be us. Let us fly. And now we have to face this horrible revelation and betrayal just as he turns his back on us in every way, and it’s like, what do you do with that? I’m just as confused as you. The only thing I can tell you is that taking care of myself and doing your calendar has become my daily therapy. Your videos are the only highlight of my day. I hope you know that you give so much to every single one of us and you’re making a difference in so many people’s lives. I’d be happy if I had a successful career just so I could move away and start new some place else. I hope you know that you don’t have to deal with toxic people even if you’re related by blood. Your mental health and self-esteem AND peace of mind are more important. We love you!

  122. Jenna says:

    I relate in that I didn’t get to choose my family, and I had basic expectations for them hat were never met as a child and as an adult now. It took me a long time to learn that I can have all the desire in the world for them to be better; but I had to accept the fact they have their own limitations. My family’s limitations of emotional understanding and growth were influenced by their experiences and how they reacted to them. The best one can do is to understand from an objective level where they come from. After you understand, you can find it in your heart to forgive them for their actions/words, whether they were intentional or not. Afterward, you can set boundaries with them. Boundaries are very healthy in relationships because they actually protect both parties. If they can be mindful of your boundaries, then pursuing a healthy relationship is possible. If they have knowingly crossed boundaries, you owe it to yourself to self-protect and pause/end that relationship until they understand to not cross your boundaries. There are many books about boundaries that were recommended to me in therapy. I can try to find them for you and list them. I hope my advice helps. You can e-mail me for any further questions. I used to be a motivational speaker and have no problem helping out.

    1. Jenna says:

      Here is the book:
      Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310352770/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_csUUAbZJ71JMM

      The author has come out with other books as well. I’ve seen books relating to boundaries and working relationships too.

  123. Julia says:

    Hi Cassey! First of all, it’s impossible to make people change to become better versions of themselves. It’s always dependent on them, the decision to change must be their own choice. I know that we all have the tendency to control (yes, I think there might be a control issue on your end) but people must come to their own realizations that something is wrong with them for them to change. If they already know yet they still continue to expel bad vibes, be the one to hold back. But don’t hate! More on the second part.

    Second, know that it’s because you love them that’s why it’s bothering you so much. You are a very kind-hearted smart woman who can discern bad from good behavior and that’s major props to you. The more we love people, the more we want the best for them, right?

    Third and final, here’s I think what you need to do: just love. Try to get where their hate/bad attitude is coming from. Maybe they’re stressed, maybe they’re going through something right now, or maybe they just love you as much as you do to them that you’re clashing opinions. Love, understand, reconcile, communicate. Be the first one to humble down. Surrender and let go of the matter. There will always be a perfect time to talk things out, to settle the issues, and to bring back a harmonious relationship. When someone is causing toxicity in your life, love them anyway but you are not required to force yourself to like them or to become friends with them.

    To love does not mean you always have to have good relationship with them…you don’t always need to become friends. Sometimes distance and silence can also be an act of love. Do everything with love. Rebuke with love.

    It’s hard when the problem people is a family or a relative. I can totally relate with you. But as much as we want to run away, we just can’t. They are in their roles to be your family for a reason. So what we can do is to just love them. Loving is a muddy, complicated situation. It’s more difficult to love a person that is hateable, but it’s the strongest most powerful weapon we can thrown at them. Hateable people are the ones who need to loved even more. Who can retaliate love? No one.

    Have a good day, beautiful!

  124. Velia del Rosario Gómez Porras says:

    Hi Cassey!

    Well, I think that if you have tried your *ss off to make someone understand and it does not happen, maybe is moment to release them. I understand you love them and you will always have them in your heart, but right now you’re just getting hurt and exhausted and that is not fair FOR YOU. You are such an amazing person and maintaining yourself in that situation is just going to undermine you. Sometimes we need to be Rose and let Jack go (I know that may be creepy but it was the only reference I could think of).

    You have helped some much with my healthy lifestyle and my self-steem and to hear you struggling with this makes us really worried. I hope you feel assured that you have your Popsters’ support and love!

  125. Texas Popster says:

    Cassey, I think you should look up Brene Brown. She has one of the most viewed Ted Talks and her book Rising Strong touches on some of the things you mentioned about expectations not being met. She’s great! And also, I know we like to think of counseling as good for people with mental health but TBH I’ve been seeing a therapist and it is so well…therapeutic. I don’t come from a rough background or anything but I just had a few really bad years and was feeling really alone.it helped to have someone to talk to even tho I wasn’t struggling with like a huge thing just feeling my soul kinda crushed. I would recommend it! Even just a few sessions. Having someone on your side to work stuff out with is so helpful. Love you! Sending you prayers and good vibes!

    1. HannahKat says:

      Totally second these things! Brene Brown and therapy are two of the most helpful things in my life!

  126. AnaMaria says:

    When you do your best, let God do the rest. Ask God to bring you clarity and wisdom on what you should do. I have a situation similar to this with my sister..all you can do sometimes is just pray for them from a distance. No matter what God’s got you! Hope this helps you a bit 🙂

  127. Hey lady, man, I kind of wish we could grab coffee because this seems like a bigger issue than normal text is able to deal with (a block of words can be exhausting just to look at, let alone read).

    So lemme try to bulletpoint things a bit. And my email is on here, so shoot me an email after if you want.
    You wouldn’t be where you are without being a control-freak to one extent or another. IT’S OK. You know what you want, you make it happen, WIN. And it is a “win” as long as you aren’t making people miserable. And hey, psst, got a secret for you: You’re people, too. You count. “The fault is always with me. Especially if I want to give myself the power to change things up. It’s my responsibility.” No. That’s the inner control freak rationalizing why you’re unhappy. Sometimes the fault is with them. And that’s ok, too. But you’re right that it makes things difficult when—
    Some people are family, or very close to it, and they work for you. Multi-level relationships are tough when you are an employer of someone you are close to. Both parties have to adhere to boundaries WAAAAAY more seriously than if you were just workplace mates. This is where hiring an objective person to, for example, look over your job descriptions and make it clear for you and them what their job is, might be a good idea. Do you have payroll? They might have an HR person who can give you a good perspective. So that you can say:
    “This is your job. These are the criteria you need to meet in order to work here. If you don’t want to, that’s ok, but it does mean you can’t work here. You know we are close, I won’t try to put us in a bad position with each other and I expect the same from you.” These relationships mean you BOTH have to work extra hard maintaining your boundaries. Your job is to make it clear what you need from them, and to give them money for doing it. Their job is to do what you need, so the business can make money. Both of your livelihoods are in balance, and that’s not a small thing.
    If you’re holding up your end of the deal, they need to be, too. And if they’re not (in an objective, “they are not meeting the criteria of their job description well enough” kind of way) then you need to decide if they stay. And it doesn’t have to end in an ugly way, because
    Darlin, have you ever seen an unhappy relationship where only ONE person was unhappy? If they’re self-sabotaging, they might be trying to move. In a fairly stupid way. An understandably stupid way, because we can all be reactive, but still.

    And in all honesty, feel free to email. I’m basically on Twitter to geek out about Once Upon a Time. I hear social media can bite, but I have no idea how to do that. <3

  128. Spring Bratton says:

    You know I know how you feel, but at the same time I have no idea how you truly feel because human emotions are different in all. I myself have bipolar depression and I have attempted suicide more than once. I’m very ashamed of that inner demon but I’m also glad that I can admit that I am human and have inner problems. I deal with family issues (blood and non-blood) all the time but I decided (just recently) to distance myself from others who can’t truly understand my own virtues or values. It seems these people in your life don’t want to understand why you are who you are. Are you a huge music lover? I’m open to all but my favorite band is Evanescence and their song “Imperfection” is powerful and displays human emotions toward others and the world. Not sure if your interested but if you have yet to listen to the song please do so. Just listen to what the lyrics say, they are actually overwhelming. Cassey, you are the most beautiful person I know (social media wise) and I’m not afraid to tell you that I am praying for you. I don’t know what your beliefs are but thats none of my business. I just want you to know emotional depression is hard but God is bigger. When I started following you I found a foundation on this world that makes me happy and makes me a stronger and more confident woman. My depression has ceased since I started your program and thank you for always telling me I’m beautiful and better than others say or think I am. Keep that chin up and just know your popsters love you and will always support you and stand by you. So once again thank you for helping me face my inner demons and I hope you find some joy and advice from this comment and I hope you find a way to face the issues at hand. Xoxo

  129. Ann says:

    I’ve been where you’ve been. It’s hard to see people make horrible decisions for themselves. To not even attempt to reach their full potential. There’s something to be said about surrounding yourself with people like yourself who also aim to continually work on being a better version of themselves. But life is messier than that.

    I have ruined relationships because it personally hurt me to see those near and dear to me falling down holes that seemed so obvious to me. I’ve also ruined relationship because I wasn’t ready to hear truths about myself. I’ve seen it from both sides now. What you have to come to terms with is that it’s not about you. As someone who cares for them all you can do is support them. Which means offering your advice if it’s asked for. And if it’s not and worse comes to worse, it’s supporting the person you care for when everything falls apart. What was a hard pill to swallow was realizing that me getting upset that they weren’t meeting my expectations made it all about me and not about them.

    It’s easy to say you want to surround yourself with like people and I get that but sometimes there are people who are just going to be in your lives because there is some thread that connects you. All you can do is set expectations for yourself and love these people in your life for who they are in spite of all their flaws. (Of course. Exceptions are always there ie crazy negative influences who physically/verbally/emotionally abuse you then it’s buck up and cut them out even if they are blood because even blood ties shouldn’t validate that.)

  130. Aleksa says:

    Hey Cassey,
    I wish I could help you out through these feelings. When I was reading this post, I couldn’t help but think about my mother and how she deals with similar feelings as well. In the past year, both of her parents had strokes. Although they’re doing alright she is basically their sole provider now. And while the woman does not stop (as she works full time being a mother to me and my sister, and now her two parents, her father can be really cruel and hard on her for the littlest things. Things that if an outsider we’re listening in wouldn’t believe she was doing anything wrong but in his head, he also has early onsets of Dementia, they’re outright rude. And it wears on her so freaking much. She tells us, and she cries about it, and she stays strong, but it’s really tough. Those comments from him didn’t start after the stroke either, it’s been a recurrent thing in her life from him even though we know on the inside he loves her.
    What I’m getting at is that I hope you’re able to continue to speak about this. You definitely did the right thing confronting these emotions ( and so bravely in the public eye 🙂 ) and I’m sure so many comments will come flooding with help. That and professional help as well as dealing with the problem face forward is one of the ways, in my opinion, how we can truly overcome difficult situations in our life.

    I wish you all the luck with this Cassey. Everyone deserves to have relationships in which we don’t have to constantly defend others. Know that there are people out there who have gone through what you’re currently in and will one day help you with these feelings.

    Much love from Miami,
    Aleksa xx

  131. Hi Cassey! Sending you love, strength, hope and keeping you in my prayers. Keep writing, keep venting, keep being you. It is okay to cry if you need to cry, it always makes a person feel better. You are loved and you are a game changer. Chin up and give Sir George a snuggle. Everything will be alright, I know it.

  132. Hi Miss Cassey,

    I can relate to each word you said. I’ve been struggling with my emotions lately. I’m surrounded with great people and vice versa. There are things that I cannot change but sometimes it’s really hard to deal with it. I can be tough but most of the time, I feel fragile.

    The problem that I see in myself is I over think things, small things, big things, it always bother my mind; like a Ferris wheel going up and down but still there, intact, unending.

    Things passed after few days and that’s it. But once it touches my mind for a bit, I think of it again.

    I always ask myself, do I have to say sorry? Do I have to be perfect? I don’t know the answer but it always feel like I need to prove myself. Sometimes it’s drowning. I just want to be swept away with the water and never come back.

    Is it me though?

    But what I know is I’m not alone.

    I’m doing my very best to work myself, to do better or even do the best.

    And I always say this prayer,
    ” God, what ever happens, I put my trust in You.”

    Ps. I would love to hear it from you.

  133. Thi says:

    Hi Cassey. At the end of the day it’s about you. You need to just cut off negative people even if it hurts. You can only vibrate higher being around the same kind of energy. Negative energy will only make you ill and react negatively. Negative people are always victims or they think nothing is ever pleasing enough. You are a positive platform that needs to continue to radiate positively. Love yourself no matter what. You can’t help everyone and it’s okay. Don’t ignore how ill you feel when you are around those people. That’s your body telling you that’s all negative and you should do something about it. Get rid of them or continue to feel ill. I wish you the best and will send you positive energy. Thank you for being the positive in this world. God blessed. Stay healthy emotionally and mentally. 💖✨

  134. Mandy says:

    It is not your job to tell other’s how to live. You can attempt to influence them, but your expectations are your own. Be upset that people disappoint you, but in their minds they’re probably doing the best they can. People everywhere are doing the best they can with what they have. Example: I know that some people look at me and think I’m not doing everything in my power to be my best. Right now, though, I am. I am doing the best I can. I acknowledge this. I keep trying to do better, but this is it for now. This is where I am. Just because someone projects higher expectations doesn’t mean they’re going to get them. They don’t know what I have to handle on a daily basis. Quite frankly, it’s none of their business, either.

    Perfection is unattainable. Attempting to project perfection (regarding reactions, actions, emotions) on others will not help. You have super high expectations of yourself. I get that. It’s how you function. It’s you. That’s ok. Other people just aren’t wired like that…and that’s ok, too!

  135. Lucyrosales says:

    Dear Cassey: i love you! Dont be so hard with yoirself! Life is for been happy, not perfect. There are 4 million of people who aw subscribed to your channel… I think this means something…. I love you my trainer! <3

  136. Laura weiss says:

    All I can say is there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting others to treat you with the same kindness, respect, and courtesy that you treat them with. Keep moving forward, lovely Cassie!

  137. Jay Wolin says:

    If you are putting in the work to create a positive, meaningful and forward moving relationship then you are holding up your end of the deal. Relationships take two and if someone isn’t willing to meet you half way then it’s probably in your best interest to remove yourself from that connection. From what we see as fans and from what I can gather following other bloggers you are friends with. You seem like a stunning person with profound aspirations. You deserve nothing but the best out of this life and if someone wants to put you down then that’s on them. Honestly, they are probably just bitter and angry that they don’t have what you were willing to work for each and every day.

  138. Cheyenne Johnson says:

    You always say that our vibe attracts our tribe. People can be disappointing and you can help them to achieve the potential you see in them, even if they don’t. But only to an extent and at the end of the day, the decision to grow and change has to come from within. It has to come from those other people, and they have to make the decision to be better than who they were yesterday.

    People who bully and berate instead of teach and help are people who see the flaws in everything instead of the opportunity to grow. Be better where you can, accept and learn from your mistakes, and ignore those who try to bring you down to make themselves feel taller. Stay strong and stay awesome. 💖

  139. Angie says:

    Oh Cassie, I feel your pain. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of other people’s garbage – and I’m talking about blood relatives here… It got to the point that it was all I could focus on – what was I doing wrong? Why didn’t these people treat me better when I gave them so much love, so much attention and so much benefit of the doubt? What helped to change things for me was surrounding myself with people who accepted me for who I am, who loved me like I love them, who treated me with respect and kindness. I learned to distance myself but to remain kind. You are a giver, a passionate and loving soul. You are successful and inspire so many. Sometimes this can affect those closest to you – people who should be supportive and proud but maybe – just maybe – are intimidated by your success and angry at you for it. I don’t know if that makes sense? One person in my life had so much resentment towards me because i was able to talk easily to others and to connect with people on a positive level. She would just sit in a corner at family gatherings and glare at me… I just couldn’t understand it. I let it hurt me more than it should. I am slowly letting go of that but its so hard. I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling this way and hope that you can lean on your loved ones, the ones who have your back, for strength and reinforcement. Sometimes we do just have to accept that we cannot change the ways of others, and that all we can do is to be true to ourselves. And you are – bless your beautiful heart. xo

  140. Annemarie says:

    Hi Cassey!
    Unfortunately, I can relate to your struggles. I’ve had my fair share of friends that didn’t share the same values as me, didn’t have any motivation, and didn’t feel like their was anything wrong with the lifestyle they lived (even though I knew they could do so much better for themselves). It ended up leading to conflict because I would get frustrated watching these friends go down a path that wouldn’t lead them anywhere, and they would get mad at me for being frustrated. It’s really hard watching people you care about make decisions that you know are bad for them. It ended up causing me so much stress, that I realized I had to let these people out of my life because their friendship was causing me more stress and anxiety than anything beneficial. Now, I didn’t just cut them out completely right away. It was more of a gradual process, in which I slowly pulled myself away from that group, and focused more on surrounding myself with friends that share my values. Friends that have dreams and goals and want to spread kindness and love to everyone. Friends that support my dreams and goals, and don’t try to bring me down to make themselves feel better. After a while, the “friends” that I had been trying to wean myself away from eventually stopped putting in the effort to spend time with me (although let’s be real, they had never really put much effort in anyway). It had such a tremendous impact on my mental health to let go of those friendships. It was sad, yes, because we had a pretty significant history of friendship, but it relieved such a heavy burden that I didn’t even know I was carrying. Being around people who are negative all the time had turned me into a much more negative person, and so once I finally let them go, I started to feel so much more like my real self. I pray that you are able to let go of those relationships that you are able to let go of, and that you are always surrounded by people who lift you up, encourage, and inspire you. You inspire all of us, and I know you will be able to make it through this challenging time. Love you!!❤️

  141. Okay I see, this resonates me I’m so many different levels especially with my family situation. They don’t understand the concept of self-care, the importance of mental health and the debilitating effects it has just to be stressed! It’s like it’s not even in difficult aguleri, we talked to separate languages. They grew up in a different Millennial than I did and that’s just the reality of it. I always find myself wanting to compensate and apologize first, but at some point you really have to just stand up for yourself and wait for the other person to come around and see that. I wish there was some way that I could raise my words better, but I’m sure with time the wounds will heal and you will be able to reflect and look back on the things they did wrong and that you didn’t do anything wrong and there’s no need for you to apologize but there is nothing for you to apologize for, Casey! You have my full support.

    And please talk to Me!:) I promise I’m an incredible listener.

  142. Brianna Eberle says:

    You are such a strong woman and I aspire to be like you one day. You will figure out a solution no matter what, you’re amazing. I love watching your videos. You inspire me to keep working for what I want to be❤️

    1. blogilates says:

      Thank you. Just needed to write to clear my thoughts.