Sometimes It’s Okay To Be Selfish
Hey guys!
It’s almost the weekend! It’s always so nice to have a little break from work or school isn’t it? Life has a tendency to be so busy sometimes that we don’t realize how BADLY we needed a second to chill.
In fact, I think taking “Me Time” is a really important concept. Me Time varies depending on the person. Maybe your “Me Time” is filled with close friends and family. Maybe you want absolute quiet and dream of a nice, uninterrupted bubblebath. Maybe it’s going hard during your workout. Hey, maybe Me Time is a 30 minute power nap! We all get energized in different ways.
Sadly, sometimes “Me Time” gets accused of being something else. Selfishness.
Of course, I believe in caring about people and practicing compassion! Of course you should consider other’s feelings and thoughts! That’s part of being a good person. It comes with the territory.
But it’s also possible that you’re so consumed with other people’s needs that you completely ignore your own. This is not a good recipe. You cannot keep giving if your well runs dry. You matter, too.
I mean, think about all the various roles we might take on during our lifetime! Daughter, son, mother, father, partner, friend, caretaker, colleague, mentor! We’re doing our best to balance people, responsibilities, and somehow still make sure everyone and everything is taken care of. Phewwww, no wonder so many of us are tired! (That 30 minute power nap is sounding pretty good right now…)
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with needing a moment. There’s nothing wrong with telling a friend, “I love you, but tonight I’m going to stay in because my body needs it.” There’s nothing wrong with dedicating time to a hobby or passion that makes YOU feel good.
I know it can be hard. I know we’re all living with so much pressure. We never want to feel as if we’ve let loved ones down. And the fear that we’re being “selfish” can sink in. But every now and then, it’s perfectly okay to put yourself first. You’re allowed to be a priority.
Repeat after me: Self-care is not selfishness.
In our latest Sheroic podcast episode, Lisa and I discuss how we deal with stress and what we like to do when it comes to practicing relaxation. Have a listen!
45 thoughts on “Sometimes It’s Okay To Be Selfish”
There are 45 comments posted by our users.
our society trains us to put others first. I love this. IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO SELF-CARE! I feel self-care IS self-less, because you’re taking care of yourself, SO you can take care of others. You can’t pour out of an empty cup.
This is so needed! I always feel guilty when having “me-time”, this is one thing I should work on.
But when I give myself a permission to chill, I light candles and put on some classical music or mellow jazz and read! I’d love long, hot baths, but we don’t have a bathtub, so I sometimes just go to the shower to stand under hot flowing water – actually the sound of the running water helps me cool down and clear my head.
I know you’ve written pasta as a no-no but I’m sure it isn’t the pasta but the bad ingredients used to make them. So other than alternative healthy pasta (aka zoodles and spaghetti squash) maybe there are types of pasta or pasta brands (whole wheat or whole ingredients) pasta you can recommend or encourage to be eaten? Carbs is still good! Just make sure to read the labels and portion control
Love love love this! But sometimes, I think I can be a bit TOO selfish. Yet, I’m still so stressed out! I wonder if I have the opposite problem–my stress could be rooted from an underlying desire to be around more people and branch out of my social circle!
I almost choked up at the part where you said “You matter too.” Sometimes I don’t feel like my loved ones and coworkers appreciate all my hard efforts. Like, sure they love me, sure they appreciate me, but I think I’m more often than not taken for granted.. Like, “Heidi sure does a great job, Heidi sure is thoughtful and generous!” But one day what if Heidi wasn’t there anymore, ya know? When I feel like this, I FEEL SELFISH!! I feel bad like I’m just being a brat and want attention. But I DOOO want attention!! I wanna be the princess for once! This blogpost really spoke to me today Cassey, thank you.
Hey Heidi, maybe you’ll see that one day. I really know what you are talking about and I have my own hard time figuring out how to balance things – giving but also recharging my “batteries” and doing things for myself. The thing that helped me as I started to learn that my energy wasn’t endless: If you “waste” your energy or give until you cannot do anything anymore – you can’t help anymore! So it is essential that you take your time so you can give more to the right people.
Heidi, I know exactly how you feel, but trust me it is so normal to feel like you’re being selfish. And when you finally realise that it is not the case, you will feel better. Remember, if you will regret not doing something for yourself, then do it, NOW if you can! I just broke off a relationship because I was giving too much and not receiving back, and although at times it feels hard and sluggy, I am doing all I can for ME. BECAUSE I DESERVE IT! just like you girl! Good luck xxxx
Hi Cassey, this podcast helped me a lot while I was dealing with college applications and exam preparations. It would be great to see posts and videos about stress management & your personal experiences about this topic. Love you and always support you <3 Thank you for making my week better, have a lovely day!!
During the school year, I spend 10 to 12 hours a day around a huge group of people. I go to a really big high school and I need to use public transport to get there (which takes really long because I live outside of the town). So on weekends I just need Me Time. I hate to go partying because I think it ruins the whole weekend (except when going on fridays, but I’m just not a party person). It’s not that I’m unsociable, I just need to be alone regularly. Besides this, I’ve been caring about other people my entire life (I’m 17 now) and I feel like I rarely get something back or these people I cared about betrayed me in some way. These people have been friends as well as my family. I learned that I need to deal with all the problems caused by the tough time and it’s okay to ask for help. I am now seeing a therapist once a week and I’m so glad that I decided to deal with everything with someone professional. That was the best decision I could have made. So people, it’s okay to ask for professional help!!! And it’s not selfish at all. When you are not okay with your past and yourself, it won’t just stop hurting. It’s affecting you and it’s very strong to let someone help you!!
So relatable! Sometimes, I got accused for not spending time with either friends or family, simply because I’m busy with other things. Despite my effort explaining them reason why and my assurance that I’d spend time w them after I complete my stuff for sure, they (still) kinda not really get it. Eventually, I got stressed out so much on how to balance these things, several times despite some said they’re ok w it but internally I see their (hidden) disagreement. I just want to runaway however i know for sure when I come back (feeling more relaxed & better) I’d be accused for being selfish and thinking of myself (not taking everyone else into consideration). Being introvert & independent in such a collectivism culture is so hard 🙁
I’m so sorry to hear people calling me-time selfish. It’s not. You have to be good to yourself so you can be good to others. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to spend time with my friends or family and I rather take me-time. I think I’m not selfish, I never intend to hurt people I love, I don’t make them feel unwanted, but sometimes I just need to spend time with myself and my thoughts. For me, spending time alone is the way I recharge.
In light of the redonkulous reactions people are having about your blog about TS and Kimye (people who none of them actually know IRL), I’d like to point out that self-care can also take the form of empowering yourself to NOT be concerned about those people who don’t “get” the actual message you’re attempting to convey. There’s no reason to over-explain yourself. If people are too shallow to digest the true message you’re sharing, that would be their problem. It really goes along with your observation that people get a little too snippy when you’re not constantly sending pictures of a butterfly kitten riding on a sparkly rainbow unicorn with wings. But, that would be disingenuous, because that’s not accurate to what happens in everyday life and you’re advocating balance and progress, not being delusional and striving for perfection.
You’re a human being too (thank you! for being real!) and that comes with some undeniable facts – #1) you have the right to evolve, too, and #2) not everyone’s going to like that. And the answer is, simply: boo-frickety-hoo for them. As we go through life, we discover new facets to our personalities and those things that seemed super-important to us 5 years ago may not have the same appeal today. But that’s OK…if you don’t like someone’s music but you admire their tenacity and marketing chops, so what? That means you’re not too narrow minded to only see something as black or white. You have the mental wherewithal to understand that it’s almost never all or nothing and have the ability to take something away from a situation, even if it isn’t ideal. Leave the sycophants to their zealotry and move on with life on the path the universe has meant for you and don’t look back for a single second. You’re doing it right. ;->
I’m having a test week soon so this post had a great timing! I love to have my me-time in the mornings! Every morning, when possible, I make myself a good breakfast: porridge with berries, rye bread with good toppings like cucumber, tomato, sallad and a fruit + tea. Then I read some bible and scroll trough social medias. Even on the days I have school I love to spend 30 minutes just for me and making my breakfast (AND eating it of course!) xx
Also I was wondering: is Cassey still using her Snapchat? I just added her, but she hasn’t posted anything on her stories. Is she using only Instagram Stories? :/
Haven’t had me time for so long, I forgot what I love doing to relax 🙈
Anyway, I think you are a fantastic and very inspiring woman and thank you for everything
hey cassey i want to tell you thank you sooo much i really really love you and i really pove pop pilates btw i am 12 years i am really happy to tell you that my birthday is January 17th after you with 1 day
I find it incredible that some people like Lisa, when they’re super stressed out, shut down and not turn to food for Comfort! I’m the exact opposite. Having dealt with food addiction and binge eating disorder, I’ve always turn to food for Comfort especially when I was sad, and sometimes just out of loneliness or just boredom! Sometimes when I’m happy too. Nowadays I help young girls overcome the diet crazies, food addiction, and binge eating as a certified coach. It feels so good to help other women find other ways to do with stress that are more adaptive than using food!
I listened to the first Magic Lessons podcast yesterday, where Elizabeth read a quote out about being creative and I think it relates to ‘me time’ as well. To paraphrase, what she said was that we need time to ourselves, or time to be creative, because without it, we can’t be our best selves, we might not be able to love the way we want to, or function the way we want to. That was a real eye-opener for me because I’ve never thought about it like that before, and as you said me time is so often viewed as unnecessary and being selfish.
For me, me time is doing things like this; reading blog posts and writing. It makes me feel so energised.
I’m very much into podcasts, what podcast name is this?
It’s called Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert 🙂 Hope you enjoy it.
I feel that it is important for us to have a balance between our social time and ‘me’ time. Nowadays we spend so much time with people around us, be they our colleagues, classmates, friends or family, what’s more with social media, our lives are so heavily social. Which is not a bad thing at all! But I think it’s equally important to make some time for ourselves at the end of the day.
As an INFJ, I can get burnt out easily if I spend too much time with others, even my loved ones like my family and friends. I know it sounds funny, but I do need to recharge at the end of the day. I can also get burnt out if I don’t get a chance to reflect on myself (I write in my diary). Earlier this year, I experienced some downs in my life and I got so overwhelmed that I didn’t have time to reflect. I was a hot mess! My body felt detached from my mind, it was bad.
My ‘me’ time is usually at night, right before bed. I would usually stretch and meditate, and sometimes listen to music. I would also make sure to write in my diary at least once a week to account for myself, it makes me feel so much better after sorting out my thoughts!
Those are all wonderful things that I personally like to do in my own me time! Sometimes, when I make me time it feels artificial and rushed. Does that ever happen to you?
Yes! I think it happens to me when I’m really overwhelmed, and currently I’m in a low point of my life. Failures and setbacks can make me feel as though I don’t deserve ‘me’ time as the (perfectionistic) devil in me wants to be harsh on myself. Exactly because I refused to forgive myself, I got broken and torn. So now I’ve learnt my lesson and am learning to be more gentle with myself, although sometimes it does feel rushed when I’m busy, but I’m giving myself the care I need anyway.
If you don’t mind me asking, what keeps you busy? Are you a student? Do you work full-time? What are you do for a living?
I’m a student! I’m currently studying really hard for a national exam in November, so I’m pretty stressed out (◕﹏◕)
What grade, and what do you Study? Major good luck! I’m a student in university studying acting.
Sorry for the late reply! I’ve been busy studying heh. I’m sitting for the GCE Singapore-Cambridge A levels, I guess it translates into grade 12 in the US? It’s basically a college entrance exam. I’m studying subjects from the science stream, so there’s biology, chemistry, math and economics (-: your major is really cool! I guess I’m not quite an artsy person haha
This is honestly so nice to hear! I don’t have a lot of friends IRL, but I do a lot online. And between the coding that I do, for FREE and helping others use the code, answering coding questions, and everything else I do online with more activities/plans coming; as well as my home responsibilities I find it hard to take time to myself.
And the thing is, is because I don’t relax and try to take on so many tasks at once or help so many people at once, I eventually burn myself out and end up being even less productive or less helpful to others… which actually makes me feel even more guilty because then I’ll just end up staring blankly at my screen, or putting my head on my desk most of the day because I want to do everything, but I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I really need to learn how to actually schedule in me time before I burn myself out for days, or even weeks at a time. And I need to learn how to do it in the right way for me.
Me time truly is important. It’s actually ESSENTIAL to the entrepreneur and creative type so we won’t tired out or lose our inspiration. It’s essential to those who spend a lot of time caring for others, or helping other people. It’s really essential for everyone to take some me time, before reaching the “burn out” point.
Hey Blogilates Fam! This probably isn’t the best place to post this, but I need to get it off my chest. I’ve known since 7th grade that I’m not special and that everyone else is better than me. For one I’m ugly, I’m fat and nothing I do seems to help. I’m literally a fat pig and a worthless piece of trash. I’m a junior in high school now and I still haven’t made a single friend, everyone who I thought was my friend just used me, making me feel even more worthless. It doesn’t help that I’m ugly because all he guys think it’s funny to make fun of me and treat me like dirt. I really wish I wasn’t me. All the other girls around me are pretty & skinny plus they have great friends, I’m just a stupid loser that know one cares about. I’ve been doing Blogilates for 5 years now but whenever I do a video I realize that my fat is still there after and I give up. I’m so stupid I can’t do anything right. I always dream that one day I’ll be pretty and skinny and I’ll have good friends but then I realize that I’ll always be stupid worthless trash.
Woah, woah, slow down there before you run yourself right into the ground! Well done on doing Blogilates for 5 years! You’e making your body stronger each time you do it and although I don’t know you, I’ll bet you’re not anything like a fat pig! Please don’t ever think that, you’re a precious person made in the image of God! Fat is hardly the worst thing a person can be. Unkind, rude, and unpleasant are bad things to be (and those who tease you sound like that!) But fat is hardly the worst thing a human can be. I’m sure your personality shines through to the people that matter! As for those who don’t see who you truly and and who judge you on appearance – forget ’em! If you are still in school, take it from a 25 year old who was also the fat dweeby kid no-one wanted to hang with: school can really, really suck socially. Everyone judges on appearance. But you get out into the real world and quite son you discover that there are plenty of people in this world who are more concerned with the content of your character than the appearance of your body.
I urge you to make peace with the body you have. Wanting to make yourself fitter and stronger is one thing. Wanting to be slim so others will like you more is quite another. Those ‘others’ who would like you more if you were skinnier are not worth impressing.They’re really not! Don’t internalise their insults; don’t believe the lies they tell you about yourself. You are NOT worthless, trash, stupid or anything of the sort.You’re a super-cool popster, just like the rest of us! <3
Thank you so much for replying Sarah! It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been in the same situation as me. I’m still in high school and I don’t know how to make peace with my body. All the girls around me are super fit and always talk about eating healthy and exercising and stuff, but I can’t even resist one cookie. I just feel like I’ll never amount to anything. I’ve hated my myself and my body for so long that I don’t think I’ll be able to love the way I am.
Essie! Oh no please don’t feel that way! I too have had moments where I felt inadequate, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not lovable enough…so I want you to know that those feelings are natural. BUT the key thing is you MUST pick yourself up and say “YES. I AM ENOUGH. I AM PRETTY. I AM SMART. I AM LOVABLE.” If you believe it, others will too. Start by doing something you’re good at and keep focusing on that. Confidence starts from inside. Work on focusing on your skill. Not your looks!! You’re so much more than that! Feel better!!! Love you!
Thank you for the reply Casey! I feel better knowing that not only I have felt those feelings but both you and Sarah have as well, it makes me feel less isolated. I still don’t know how I can believe I’m pretty if I am not? Love you too!
Essie!! First I need to commend you for getting this off your chest, it’s hard for someone who is feeling down to open up. But hold up — you’re not allowed to degrade yourself like that! “I really wish I wasn’t me.” I had this EXACT same thought around 4 years ago. I went through similar debilitating thoughts as you, I so badly wished I was someone else, someone who was taller, skinnier, prettier, smarter… The list just goes on and on. I felt like a loser and I WAS a loser. Why? Because I chose to let myself think that I was, and slowly I became more and more negative, and when that happens, you can barely become positive and that’s when you become stagnant. Change doesn’t happen if you have the wrong mindset. I believe in you that you can make positive changes to your life, both to your mind and body. You have to believe in yourself! (-:
Please don’t compare yourself with others and as a result starting hating on your own body… You have to tell yourself that you are good enough! Only compare with yourself. I understand that you are in a rut right now and you feel horrible… But you’re already trying and putting in effort! You’re making baby steps towards a better you. It’s amazing that you have been doing Blogilates for 5 years!! But don’t give up just because you don’t see results. You have to keep going! Like Cassey always says, change doesn’t come easy. All we need to do is to be patient and be persistent and one day, we might surprise ourselves with what we can do.
I would like to share with you one tip that I have been practicing. Recently I have been meditating and I learnt that we should separate ourselves from our thoughts and view them as though they are clouds in the sky. It has really helped me separate myself from whatever thoughts and emotions I might be having. I suggest you try this tip! Every time those negative and critical thoughts come in, learn to separate yourself from them and think that you are STRONGER and don’t let those thoughts get to you! You can do this, Essie! <3
Thank you Chi Yan for your advice! I will definitely try to separate myself from my negative thoughts. It’s hard for me to think positive about myself because I can’t see anything positive, but I will try. Thank you again!
First of all, congrats on doing blogilates for 5 years!! That’s is a long but worthwhile journey. Don’t feel bad that you don’t see change physically. Be proud that you have surpassed expectations throughout the 5 years. Life isn’t about being skinny and pretty, trust me. I’m 24 this year and it took me till now to realise that. Don’t be around people who make you feel worthless. There are definitely others out there who will treasure your presence and opinions. As you move forward, trust your mind and body to challenge it. Love yourself, respect yourself and remember that it’s ok to feel low. It may not be easy to pick yourself up but those moments are what differs us from people who give up easily. Cheer up and sending lots of love from Singapore! – Atiqah
(Sorry sending as guest bc I’m on mobile currently)
Thank you for the encouragement and wisdom Atiqah! I will work on surrounding myself with more encouraging people. Sending love back from Texas! <3
Hey Essie. It’s important that you not keep your feelings bottled up, so good on you for being brave enough to share how you feel. But I think you’re lying to yourself. You definitely should NOT be hanging around with people who don’t treat you well. And speaking those hurtful, negative words about yourself is being mean to YOU. Would you speak like that to another person? And if you’re telling yourself these lies, then I’m betting you’re not treating yourself as good as you could. You deserve to be treated well, too. For me, I was able to go to Weight Watchers and they helped me lose the weight. There was no judgment and people were supportive and kind. Is it possible for you to do something like that? You need people on your team to help you. You CAN do it. Chin up, and know we’re cheering you on. HUGS!! 🙂
Hey Wendy! I haven’t thought of joining something like that yet, the only workout community I have right now is blogilates. I will definitely look into Weight watchers as well, thank you so much for the encouragement!
I always spend my “Me Time” reading! I find it to be relaxing and fun but still manage to feel like I’m accomplishing things! 🙂
Me TOO!!!! I love to read. Definitely how. I spend my me time or I listen to music.
Cassey, I don’t think I’ve read a post of yours I haven’t agreed with. Sometimes, when I want to go a run, a just workout, I do get called selfish. But having time to yourself to relax is more important sometimes. Love you xx
This is so nice to hear esp. after yesterday’s post. Thank you.
Aw man Cassey! I just read your latest Insta post and I knew this was happening since I saw those angry comments from Taylor Swift’s fans on your previous blog post when I was commenting yesterday. Fandoms are quite tough to mess with, they get really aggressive and defensive and spew so much hate sometimes it’s scary.
I really don’t think you’ve done or said anything wrong. People make mistakes sometimes, but I don’t think that expressing your heartfelt thoughts is a ‘mistake’. I think people should learn to respect your stand on the TS/Kimye drama, because you have put in so much thought and effort into it and you are certainly not one who talks nonsense. I feel that if you meant what you said, you should be proud of it. We can’t please everyone in the world, so we just have to stay true to ourselves. Please stay genuine Cassey! I hope you feel better soon and never let those who don’t matter change or define you! I, as a proud POPster, love the real you! <3
Me TOO!!!! I love to read. Definitely how. I spend my me time or I listen to music