June 14, 2011
Feeling Fat and Failing
I originally was going to post this last Wednesday but opted not to because after reading, I felt like such a whiny loser! But as I was going through some of my comments on facebook, I saw that a few of my fans were feeling alone and discouraged in their weight loss journey. Well guys, believe me when I say YOU ARE NOT alone. Even a fitness “guru” can fall. And choose to not get back up.
Now, for those of you that are regular readers of Blogilates, this is not a normal post. It is not inspirational or motivational. But it’s real. And it’s feelings. And I want to share with you what was going through my head last week when I CHOSE NOT TO WORKOUT because I hated how I felt and how I looked.
You’re probably thinking, what? Cassey had a negative thought and let it get to her head? Yes. I let it get to my head. My willpower was completely gone.
Before I left for my 2 big trips in May (China and Hawaii), I had gone through a SUPER INTENSE 8 Week experiment with one of my trainer friends. We ate and worked out like “beasts” to build muscle and lean out. I strength trained and did cardio 6 days a week and followed a very strict meal plan that required me to even fast one of the days! (I don’t suggest doing that at all. I made him change the meal plan for me because I had no energy.) At the end of the 8 weeks, I was amazed at how my body looked. I lost 8 lbs and went from 24% body fat to 17.5% body fat. I could see lines and definition that I had only seen in magazines. Although I have always been generally satisfied with my figure, that first week of May was the first time IN MY LIFE that I had ever looked at myself in the mirror wearing a bikini, and loved it. It is one of the best feelings in the world. Accomplishment. Confidence. Strength. All wrapped up in a pretty gray and lime 2-piece.
Anyway, when I got back from my trips, I knew I had I gained weight. As I was traveling, I was constantly irritated inside – not being able to cook for myself, having to eat and socialize the way others wanted, and actually being able to see the fat around my belly bulge out farther and farther everyday was horrific. Staying on track with your diet (or even just eating healthily) when traveling with others with different eating habits is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience. It was like a self-imposed diet suicide.
Now I know you’re going to say, “Well Cassey you were on vacation, it’s ok.” Yes, I understand it is ok to indulge every once in a while. But too bad I didn’t even let myself enjoy the indulgence because I was so worried about “ruining” my body every second I was eating. You’re probably thinking, “But you consciously made those decisions to eat what you did. So you need to own up to it.” Yes, you’re right. I did make those decisions and I was 100% aware of what I was doing to my hard work. But you can’t enjoy yourself when those decisions were compromised decisions in which a bunch of social factors were involved.
Okay…I am totally going off an a tangent here, I need to get back to my point. My POINT IS that I gained weight after the trips as a result of bad eating and was feeling like the lowest low life on earth for letting myself sabotage my bikini body.
Why do I care so much about having a bikini body you ask? Because friends, throughout my life, my body has been the one thing I feel like I have had the least control over. Yup, I was a chubby kid. Thinned out in high school. Then gained weight in college. Then lost weight after graduation. Then gained it back when I got my first job. I always knew how to get good grades, how to run businesses, how to talk to all sorts of people…but I could never figure out how to control my own weight as strong as I was. Having a bikini body was more than just a vain physical goal. To me, it meant being able to get a hold of myself at the most humanly basic level.
TRYING TO GET BACK TO WHERE I LEFT OFF:
Initially, I was very motivated to get back to the gym and eat my steamed veggies again. I thought it would take just a week of hard work to get back on track. But after 1 week of doing everything right and not seeing any progress, I thought to myself, Cassey you really screwed it up this time. That was last Wednesday.
Last Wednesday, I was at an ALL TIME LOW. All I could do was stare of myself in the mirror, pinch my fat, and cry about how fat I had gotten. Could 8 weeks of hard work really be ruined in 2 I kept asking myself? Apparently. It wasn’t just a scale thing, clothes were tighter, I was puffing, and my energy was low. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I tried to get myself to workout that morning. Couldn’t do it, so I said, ok maybe before I teach Pilates. Didn’t make it in time. Taught class wearing one of my looser fitting “fat day” shirts and when class finished I was like ok, I’m here now, let’s do this. But for some reason I was fighting so hard and finding every excuse to NOT get moving. It was one of the weirdest feelings ever.
I can’t tell you why I did this, but I fought with myself in my head for a good 2 minutes in front of the cardio machines, then grabbed my keys and drove home.
I let my feelings take over. I felt like a big loser for not sucking it up and even doing a light weight lifting session. Anything! Instead I opted to just give up all together. I was so sad that when I came home, ate a lot, and went to bed in tears.
I jumped right back the next day. It ended up taking me an additional 1 week to get back to my pre-vacay body. But today I am writing this post and am feeling good.
It is okay to give up, feel bad for yourself, and eat away your tears. Just take a shower, go to bed, and start over tomorrow. The most important thing here is RESILIENCE. I guess I just needed a break last Wednesday as my mind was exhausted from trying to reach a certain weight within a set amount of time.
If you have been working out and eating clean and not seeing results, make sure you have given it at least a good 3-6 weeks before you judge. If you can’t find the willpower to keep going, that means what you’re doing may not be working for you. You need to enjoy working out and enjoy what you’re eating because it has to be your lifestyle. Change it up.
Losing fat and gaining muscle is a slow process. You’ve got to allow yourself to understand that and it will make the whole journey a lot less discouraging. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that dieting is HARD. No one said it was going to be easy. But I am here with workouts that are fun and the POP pilates community is here to support you through it with their own experiences. (OMG this sounds like an Aladdin Bail Bonds commercial.)
That’s all. This post was too long. I explained way too much. Oh well, I hope some of you read through this and got something out of it.
So…yes I feel fat sometimes too and yes it is okay to fail.
<3 you guys. Stay strong!