Dear Cassey: My best friend is fat shaming me.
Dear Cassey,
My best friend has been fat shaming me for quite a while, and while I love her a lot her remarks have been getting on my confidence lately. She isn’t stopping even though I’ve told her it bothers me. What do I do?
Hurt Bestie
Dear Hurt Bestie,
Wow. It’s so hurtful when someone close to you makes you feel less confident about yourself. It’s stressful and it makes you feel alone.
Friends, especially BEST friends, are supposed to lift you up and encourage your confidence to shine! Not make you feel insecure about your body.
I’m thinking it’s time to have serious chat with your friend, so you can either work through this or reevaluate your friendship. Even if she thinks her comments are well-intended, they’re hurting you. She needs to know about it!
I know you said you asked her to stop before. What kind of conversation was it? Did you lightly mention it and brush it off, or did you make it clear that you want the comments to stop? If you were light about it, it’s time to be firm now. I know confrontation is uncomfortable, even when it’s your bestie. But this is a big deal. If you don’t talk it out and get on the same page, it’s only going to get worse. And who knows, maybe there’s more to her side of the story. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about something, or maybe she has something tough going on in her life. I’m not saying this would make her comments okay, but she could need this talk just as much as you do.
If you’re nervous that she still won’t change, that’s on her. Not you. You’re not required to tolerate ANY kind of shaming just because she’s your best friend. A true friend should be building your confidence, not bringing it down! In this situation, your job is to tell her how you’re feeling. Her job is to listen and make a change. This is just how any healthy relationship works! If she minimizes your feelings, accuses you of blowing it out of proportion, or isn’t willing to change, I’m thinking it’s time for a break.
I want you to know that I hear you, and your feelings are 100% valid. There’s a good chance that your friend doesn’t realize how hurtful her words are, so just tell her! But if the shaming continues, take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who bring out your best self.
PS – If you have a burning question you want to ask me, leave your questions below! I may answer it in an upcoming Dear Cassey post!
52 thoughts on “Dear Cassey: My best friend is fat shaming me.”
There are 52 comments posted by our users.
I am sorry to hear that.
I really understand this feeling of you, being criticized by the people you love is really annoying and painful, but then I realized that they don’t want to say those hurtful words either. They did this just hoping that I would realize that my eating was really a problem, they were afraid of losing me.
I’ve recently been attempting to eat more healthfully and portion out my meals, as well as take afternoon walks. At school and in public, I have no problem eating healthfully, but I have trouble controlling myself at home. I enjoy receiving your newsletters and am curious if you have any advice!
Recently, I’ve been making an effort to improve my diet by eating more healthfully, portioning out my meals, and going for walks in the afternoon. While I am at work or school, I have no problems maintaining a healthy diet; but, when I am at home, I struggle to maintain self-control. I look forward to each of your mailings and am wondering if you have any useful tips to provide.
Hi, my heel has been painful/tingly when I bend down or bring my toes towards myself. Would you advise a few workouts I can do to avoid hurting it but will also be significantly effective?
Thank you, I love your stuff. You are such a bright spot. Love ya!
I used to have this problem! I brushed it off, then got badly injured, so in the end, I needed PT. My tip is if it hurts bad, take some time off. Also, when you are working out, I recommend using K-tape, to support it.
Can you please do a low impact series? I have really bad knees and have been really trying but lunges and squats really hurt.
Dear Cassey,
I need help. I can’t stop obsessing over calorie counts, and when I try to build a healthy plate, I get bored and end up binge eating and getting super bloated. Then, once that happens, I somehow convince myself that I’m too far gone for that day and I can just keep binge eating really unhealthy foods. I’ll start eating a whole bag of chips (potato or chocolate), and then I beat myself up for letting any of it happen. This happens like every day of the week. I also can’t convince myself that foods that don’t fit my description of ‘healthy’ can be eaten in moderation, which leads in a circle back to the first thing I was talking about. I’m not getting anywhere in my fitness journey, and my self-esteem and self-confidence went down the drain months ago. Any tips?
Sincerely,
Going in Circles
Dear Casey,
I have been recently trying to eat healthier and better portion sizes, as well as go on walks in the afternoon. Although I have no problem eating healthy at school or in public, I don’t have very good self control at home. I love getting your emails, and was wondering if you have any tips!
Is it safe to work out while recovering from an eating disorder? I loved doing your workouts and have been struggling with being idle all the time. My doctor said to ease myself back into working out, but I don’t know how much is too much. It hurts to not be able to do something that makes me and my body feel amazing. Also, how long did it take you to recover your period? What steps did you and your nutritionist take to recover? Sending you and your family much love. Oh, and happy international woman’s day!!
Dear Cassey,
In 2020, I was working out like crazy, burning more than 2000 calories from physical activity. And I wasn’t eating enough either. I lost my period in august of 2020 but I only realized it until December (because my periods are always late). After realizing this, I started eating more and decreasing my workout schedule. But, one morning, I woke up and my back was aching like crazy. Turns out I have a lower back injury and now I have to stop working out completely. I think it was because I was missing so much calcium that my bones are getting weaker. I still have my injury now but I’m getting period symptoms every now and then. However, even after losing my period, I still feel like I have to overwork myself to get that perfect body, even right now. I am waiting impatiently for my injury to be over so I can work out again, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m very confused about the topic and I don’t know what to do!
Is it normal to struggle with sleep during your period? If so, do you have any tips to cope with it?
Dear Cassey,
I haven’t had my period in a long time and I don’t know what’s wrong. What if I am not doing enough exercise? I know that I don’t do exercise that much. I’m more of a ‘stay on the couch and read’ type of person(I know that I did that more than I should.) Especially during lockdown when school was online and I was constantly at a desk with my laptop. I’m really young, only just old enough to be a teenager. But I started having my period about 3(ish) years ago and it’s been irregular ever since. My mom is hesitant to take me to the doctor as yet so I haven’t anywhere to turn to. After seeing your message about losing your period I got really worried. Do you have any advice or such?
Yours Sincerely
Worried and Anxious
Dear Cassey,
I am doing everything to lose weight. Eating healthy home cooked food, exercising regularly, I never take stress/tension, sleep well and enough. But still I can’t see results on me. Due me weight people underestimate me 😩they think I can’t do anything . PLEASE HELP ME 🙏😢😭
Dear Cassey,
It’s that time of the month and I am very bloated. One day, I literally woke up and the workout pants that I love suddenly feel a lot tighter around my waist line. However, knowing that it is bloat hasn’t really made me feel any better. When I was younger, all of my family members made fun of me for being “fat” or for having a “gut”, and it really took a toll on me. I lost weight as a child, but then middle school came around and I gained a little bit of fat back. I’m in high school now and since that middle school fat gaining fiasco, I worked out and (I would say) became more toned (having visible abs, arms, and legs). The thought of gaining the weight and fat back scares me. I feel that if I eat anything that isn’t “good”, I’ll relive all the torment that I did as a child and as an early teenager. If I “cheat”, I workout extra the next day to make up for it. I know this can be very unhealthy, but I honestly can’t help it. This is why my bloating has taken a toll on me. I know it’s just bloat and not fat because I literally feel like a balloon around the abs, and the rest of my body is unchanged, but knowing that it is bloating doesn’t stop me from still thinking it’s fat. I feel like I’m gaining fat back and I’m scared. My confidence has been shot down and it looks like my bloating isn’t going away until my period ends. Please give me some advice on how to deal with all this bloating fear.
Thank you,
Bloated + Scared/Sad
For me it was my far friend’s shaming me for being skinny. It was awful. Shaming for any reason is harmful and wrong.
I am having a takeaway every week and feeling guilty. I’m not sure what to do as my brain says I have to exercise to burn it off so I have been burning around 2500 -3000 cals a day. I don’t know what to do and feel like I’m in a bottomlesss pit. Please help.
Gabriella xx
Hello! I don’t think you should feel guilty. It’s normal to have cravings. If you’re having a takeaway only once per week it’s not that bad. Maybe try to limit how much food you order, replace greasy side dish like onion rings with a salad to add a little balance to your meal. 🙂
yeah, no, being fat to the point where people close to you are bringing it to your attention like that is a red flag. i think this person is victiming their way out of a healthy lifestyle and bodyweight.
You never know, maybe the person isn’t even fat/overweight. I’m underweight yet my friend still fat shames me. I told her to stop since her comments were making me get ill from starving myself but she didn’t listen to me. People suck
Regardless of if a person needs to lose weight or not, the negative comments do not seem to be helping in this situation. Besides most people look in the mirror from time to time and know based on how they feel that they need to make changes. It is not up to other people to comment on someone else’s body. She needs to make up her own mind to lead a healthy lifestyle and obviously negative comments are not helping her achieve that in any way.
I’m sorry but you have no idea about the persom weight, health and lifestyle. How can you say that. Also fatshaming is NOT HELP. Fatshaming has never helped anybody to a healthy life. So please rethink your thinking.
She specifically mentioned that her best friend is ‘shaming’ her and it’s affecting her confidence. How did you just make the assumption that the person is not doing anything to take care of her health or is dangerously overweight? If she’d said they’re always urging me to be more active or eat healthier BUT I feel like they’re shaming me then your point is valid. What her friend seems to be doing (from the limited info we have) is a red flag, as is your attitude. Not every fat person is unhealthy (also the OP may not even be fat just told she is) and the people close to you should not make you feel ‘less than’ because of how your body looks.
The reason your comment triggered me is because I have had ‘best’ friends who have bodyshamed me because of my naturally larger hips and years later admitted they did it only because they were jealous of how tiny my waist was. I spent years feeling bad about my body based on their comments, I was actually skinny then.
I’m struggling with loneliness I don’t have any friends, although I have a amazing mom besides me,I feel lonely.
How can I deal with loneliness?
Dear Cassey,
I’m guilty of getting upset and angry at my family and those around me very easily. It’s not only taking a toll on our relationship, but it is taking a toll on my well-being. Sometimes, it would be the first thought that comes to my mind when I wake up in the morning. I try to fight against it, but it is really hard sometimes. Do you have any tips on how I can stop holding grudges so easily and build a positive mental headspace? I hope everything makes sense!
Sincerely,
Tired of negativity
Dear Casey, I have always been a bigger girl. Well I went on a challenge. I found the foods my body doesn’t jive with and I replaced them with foods my body LOVES! I’m mainly plant based but occasionally I eat a few baked goods and we all know what can be in those. (I pay for it after sometimes, but ya have to live a little) anywho, I dropped weight. And I’ve gone from 150 to 120 and I’m 5’’ even for reference so I feel my size is quite nice. However, anytime I am around family or friends they always comment and say “you’re too skinny now” “you looked better before” and what they don’t seem to understand is, now I FEEL better, so much better! It is like my body is thanking me for changing the way I eat and my family doesn’t see it that way. I know what it’s like to be fat shamed as I was when I weighed 150, but now it’s almost like the opposite. When I’m healthier than I ever have been and trying to keep my lifestyle healthy now everyone is shaming me for that.
You’re 90 day challenge has really helped me feel better about myself as it is a journey to create a healthy happy lifestyle, I just wish everyone else could see it that way!
I know I’m not Casey lol, but I just wanted to tell you that their oppinion doesn’t matter! As long as YOU are healthy and happy with your body, their opinion shouldn’t matter!! 🙂
Dear Cassey,
This post reminded me of the things my teachers said to me because I was fat. I was over weight I guess half of my life. When I was in school in 7th grade my female teacher laughed at me for being fat. I remember going to the toilet and crying for the whole lecture. In 9th grade another female teacher stopped me during the recess and asked me to workout because I was fat. In 11th grade, my Male teacher laughed at me during the health checkup day because I weighed 71 kgs. I am 19 now, and I have lost 25 kilos in the past year and I am proud of myself for coming this far. I am happy and confident now. Thank you for being an amazing listener and an amazing role model. Thank you ❤
Aw man, I really hope Hurt Bestie is okay. True friends are there for each other. I hope things work out! Xx
My best friend used to make very hurtful comments (jokes) about things I wasn’t good at our was afraid of. Because of that I was even more embarrassed to sing or to try new things, I was sure I would look stupid. At some point in my life, I’ve understood that it is not ok, my best friend should make me feel better about myself not bring me down. And I’ve started to communicate less and less with her. Now I’m a bit sad that we never had a real conversation about it, maybe she would have changed and we still would have been close.
Maybe it’s good that you’re communicating less with her. It sounds like she may just not be the right friend for you. I had a very similar experience to you. My friend was saying a lot of body shaming stuff to me and for over a year I didn’t say anything about it. But when I finally decided to have a real conversation with her, she got super angry and defensive and made some extremely hurtful comments that made me more damaged than I was before. Maybe your friend would have done the same
Is it okay if I don’t exercise while my periods days are on or like is there any exercise to do for those days too??
Dear Cassey,
A few months ago, I moved to a different country. My friends told me that they would call and still stay in touch. After a few months, I noticed that I was the one always calling them, and they never did. It felt like a one sided conversation with myself. They never bothered to ask me how I was doing, or how my new school was going. I always asked them. A few weeks ago, I found your channel and thought you were so inspiring. I started following your workouts and it helped me focus on other things than my friends. But still, everytime I call them, they don’t pick up and ignore the call. They always send pics off parties they have and I feel left out. I have also not made a single friend at my new school.😭😭😭
Sincerely, forgotten
Dear Casey how can I make sure I prioritize time to get work done when I just feel like exercising, when I’m not I’m either having a meal with family or scrolling through social media for long periods of time?
Omg I legit was just talking about fat shaming with my husband. My mom used to body shame me when was in my early 20s and it STILL has a strong impact on my self-perception of my body!! She has the emotional maturity of a high school student (according to my psychologist) and hated that I was considered “skinny” (was jealous) So when I put on weight she pointed it out and it really hurt. She even did it as recently as after I got married. We went shopping for my birthday gift and I put on a pair of pants and she looked at me and said oh must be all that beer you drink. It is never ok to body shame anyone and it has lasting consequences. I have two daughters now 3 yrs and 7 months and I will NEVER ever say anything that would be shaming. We are all beautiful!
I need someone to talk to Cassey. You have helped with my weightloss journey sooo much and I am so grateful for you. I just wish that you would answer this because nobody in my life has confidence in me to do anything. It really makes me hurt. I just wish one of my very friends will help me out, you. Everyone not believimg in me has led to me eating a whole bunch. What do I do?
Dear Cassey,
My family is skinny-shaming me, but I don’t see myself as skinny. I lost 14 pounds from October to January and have been maintaining my new weight of ~110 pounds since then. I feel like I need to eat less and become thin, but I also get told I’m too thin. When I eat to gain weight they call me pudgy, and I have no idea what to do. Please help!!
If she refuses to see why it hurts you acts r having this talk with her, and she STILL makes odd little snipey comments or weird quips about your weight, just say that’s it. Just ghost her and leave her to wonder and talk her smack to other losers who are willing to listen to such toxic gossip. Mustering the courage to even have a small sort of confrontation like this is so hard, and if she really is your friend she’ll understand this and listen and atleast try to mind her words about weight with you in the future. Cassey as always has given some great advice; if she starts gaslighting you and trying to defend herself by picking apart your sentences while you’re trying to explain to her why commenting on your weight is hurtful, just ghost her. It worked for me the 3 times I’ve had to do this with people, and they tend to get it after ignoring all their calls, texts, or social media messages (I took the extra step and just deleted them, b its up to you if you restrict or flat out block). Good luck, I wish you all the best. I’m sorry people can be so crap 😔
Remaining friends with someone like this enables their behavior. Sticking around “rewards” them. I can see why ghosting would be somewhat effective but only in the short term. In the long term, you will only end up developing a co-dependent friendship. Where you tolerate her behaviors because you see the best in them and are afraid to be alone but they continue to hurt you because they think it’s okay.
Dear Cassey, I’m trying to lose a few pounds. Now, I work out on a daily basis by following your videos, so I’ve got that part down, but my problem is that I eat A LOT! And I know that is most likely because I’m working out. But I eat way more than the normal person should. I also seriously crave things that I’m not supposed to, like sweets. I crave sweets 24/7. And no matter how hard I try to eat less, it’s no use. It only makes me hungrier and I end up splurging. And it makes working out pointless because I’m not losing any weight. What kind of tips do you recommend to help me reduce my hunger? Please help!
I solved this with a psychologist. It was a deeper issue for me wich was emotional not physical. Maybe this helps and it’s the same in your case. I wish you the best ❤
Heya! I relate. Something that has helped me feel full and therefore indulge less is eat a ton more protein. I try to track things on MyFitnessPal to hit a certain daily protein intake and I find on those days I hit t, I’m way more balanced and too full of healthy protein to indulge my constant sweet tooth haha. We’re all on a journey. You’ll get there and you’ve got this!! 🙂
Hi, I did chocolate with honey. I mean, I did not use any sugar. In my opinion, you can use honey or any other sweetener that is not contain sugar. It really worked for me.
Hi Robin,
I felt like I needed to respond to your comment, because your struggles sound very similar to how I felt in the past. Like you, I feel like I am way more hungry when I workout. After doing some research, I actually realized that I wasn’t eating enough calories. I know a lot of diets toss out random “ideal” caloric intake like 1200 calories or 1500 calories, but it’s really dependent on your weight, height, age, and activity level.
Have you ever calculated your BMR (basal metabolic rate) or TDEE (total daily energy expenditure). BMR is the basic amount of calories your body needs to function on a daily basis. And your TDEE is the amount of calories you should be eating to maintain your current weight. For optimal weight loss, you want a caloric intake higher than your BMR, but under your TDEE.
Another thing I found really helpful was to stop demonizing certain foods. For example, if I want to eat chocolate, I stopped calling it a splurge. It’s just another food. I also really love sweet things. I started keeping fruit in my fridge, and if I crave something sweet, instead of eating candy I will eat strawberries, or blueberries, a banana. I found this especially helpful at night time (like tonight I ate a banana and some coconut yogurt, lol).
But that’s not to say I don’t let myself eat other things. If I want to eat a cookie, I’ll eat the cookie. I buy chocolate that comes in squares, so I don’t feel tempted to eat the whole thing. I can just break off a piece or two.
And I found making sure I was eating enough protein also helps me stay fuller for longer. I’m by no means a “good” eater by societal standards. I like my rice, and bread, but I’ve learned by portioning those things, and making sure I have enough protein, fat, and fruits and veggies, I feel less hungry. And by not demonizing “junk food” or looking at things black and white as good or bad, it’s helped me feel better about eating in general.
Recently, just be increasing the amount of vegetables and fruit I eat and portioning other foods (like, I measure out 1 cup of cooked rice now instead of heaping my bowl) I feel a lot more full at meal times. I track everything in My Fitness Pal, but you don’t need a tracker. My mom doesn’t use one.
Anyways, wishing you all the best!
A.
When you really love and respect someone specialy your best friends ,snd they just don’t realize it ,Iam not only talking about body shaming even mental support it really hurts your heart from the inside.My best friend did even come to say everything after my grandma passed away although her mom and younger sisters came .
Hi Cassey, thank you so much for posting this! This reminds me of what happened in 2nd grade!! I feel like this is very encouraging and very helpful. Tysm!!
Dear Cassey,
I’ve been following you since 2014 but have never really fully followed any of your programs. I’m not good at sticking with it due to so many excuses I make.Although I’m not great at following the calendars/programs I’ve always been inspired by the results other women have gotten from your workouts. I have a question for you though. Have any of the women undergone tummy tucks in addition to your workouts? I went to a plastic surgeon today and he let me know that a modified tummy tuck would be my only option to get rid of my annoying muffin top. I by no means have a huge muffin top but it’s just a muffin top that is there. I am trying to decide whether to book this surgery or if I should just get 100% focused with your programs and follow your clean eating recipes. Any advice would tremendously help! I feel torn between the two- I’m SO insecure about the way I look and just want to be happy with me. What are realistic expectations?
I understand what you are going through and I understand how hard it must be to chose between the two. As it is known any plastic surgery is a serious decision as once it is done it can’t be undone. So what I would recommend based on my experience as it wouldn’t hurt to try. I would recommend you to try a blogalates calender and be cautious of what you eat, so that you can lose your stubborn muffin top and weight. But if you try it and it doesn’t work you can go ahead and do the surgery, in my opinion you won’t lose anything by trying her calendar. Good luck!
Just finished #7dayglutechallenge feeling pumped!!!! Oh my can I just say this challenge is intense but such a good way to work on your mental health as well! So proud of myself. Thank you Cassie!
Dear Cassey,
I think I have a problem with myself and it affects my weight loss journey because when I eat bread I tell myself that it is one bread only but soon I will have some more. Then I say to myself “do you really want to lose weight or not? Why don’t you do your weight loss journey correctly?”. I have been doing Pilates for a few months but I still do not see any change due to the unhealthy foods I eat. Any tips to prevent me from eating unhealthy foods and to correct my weight loss journey?
Self-esteem and weight loss journey
I have gained back all the weight which I lost before and now I am feeling low. Help me
Thanks Cassey this always happened to me at a young age, like when I was in 2nd grade!! Now that I’m 14 I have learned how to make better choices on picking who my friends are. Having this come from you is super supportive to me. Thank you!!😍