Dear Cassey: How can I stop feeling insecure?

Dear Cassey,

How do you handle having bad insecurity days? I’ve been having some recently and I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I have friends who can eat whatever they want and stay really skinny but I have to work really hard for it. What helps you?


Sometimes Insecure 

Hey Sometimes Insecure,

I definitely have those days where I notice I’m feeling insecure… STILL. I think it’s safe to say that everyone does! So please know that you’re not alone. It’s way too easy to compare ourselves to others, whether that be our close friends, or people on the internet, or even people on TV. Comparison always leads to feelings of insecurity, even for people who seem to “have it all.”

So I guess that’s the best place to start! Comparison really is the thief of joy. We’re all different and we all have things we’re insecure about, just like we all have things we’re super confident and proud of! It’s all about perspective. You specifically mentioned your friends who can “eat what they want and stay skinny,” but I’d be willing to bet that they have insecurities about their own bodies too.

Start working to change your perspective to focus on the things you’re proud of. I get frustrated when people have the wrong perception of me or when people start to judge me for being “too skinny”, even though years ago they judged me for being “too fat”. So for years now, I’ve focused on NOT trying to be what everyone wants me to be (because it’s impossible), and instead being proud of being who I want to be. I’m mindful of my accomplishments, and I make goals for myself. Not others.

To start working on this, start focusing on what you love about yourself. Write it down if you have to. It’s awkward at first to “brag” about yourself, but it’s totally necessary to get away from picking yourself apart – which for some reason we have ALL been trained to do. Then, find a good way to document your goals (big and small), and track your progress often. You can journal, take pictures, whatever works.

You’ll still have days when you’re feeling insecure, but you can always go back to your journal to remind yourself of how amazing you are and how far you’ve come. It’s really liberating to get out of the mess of comparison and what we “should” be!

I hope this helps! If anyone else has tips for how Sometimes Insecure can lift herself up on tough days, leave them in the comments!

PS – If you have a burning question you want to ask me, I’m taking questions via text at 510-692-4556. Currently this only works for US and Canada. If you’re outside of those countries, you can leave a question below.

18 thoughts on “Dear Cassey: How can I stop feeling insecure?”

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  1. Emilie says:

    Dear Cassey,

    I’ve been an athlete my whole life, and during normal times I workout 6 days a week. However, the pandemic situation has really taken a toll on me, and my season was put on hold right in the middle of it. I try working out on my own like I do in the off-season, but my body is just so weak and tired. Every time I try looking for tips for how to deal with the emotional exhaustion so I can get more energy to exercise, one of the top things is to exercise. As you can see, this is really circular! Do you have any other ideas??

    Took Out Yoga Mat; Laid Down

  2. Just thinking... says:

    Dear young ladies,
    I’ve found that when I feel really bad, the focus of my thoughts and feelings is myself. And that is a never-ending rabbit hole! Sometimes, the best way for me to feel better is to completely interrupt the cycle of negative and self-abusive thoughts by thinking or doing for someone else. Say a prayer for someone. Write a card to a friend and why you appreciate him or her. Volunteer. Help an elderly neighbor or relative around the house. Take food to someone who has been going through a rough time. Make a phone call and lend an ear. Reaching out builds and strengthens the bridges with others, and those relationships are important to our health! It just helps me feel better! And this way, I find a sense of self worth in a more stable area of life completely disconnected from body image. And, armed with healthier motivation, driven by personal growth instead of guilt and self-loathing, I can come back around to my personal goals. Negative feelings only motivate for a short while, at best. Then we fall right back. But love of others and the desire to keep moving forward has a much longer lasting impact!
    And please don’t discount the fact that our society has changed faster than the way we are wired! We have to learn to navigate the overabundance of calorie-dense hyper-palatable foods in a culture that encourages us to be sedentary! It is a journey for all of us, and it is possible, but not easy! So keep your spirits up, and keep reading and learning and keeping company with the kind of people who encourage you!

  3. Sandra says:

    Dear Cassey,

    I am a little bit confused and I hope You will be able to help me. Is there a research on how fast we lose our muscles? Like everyone says “don’t worry, You won’t lose Your results after one day, You can go on a break..”. For real tho, how long does it take to lose the results. It is a general question, but I’ll give you a context, maybe it will make it easier. Let’s say I was on a period, one of the really bad ones, and I wasn’t working out for 7 days, and I wan’t keeping up with the diet that much. Apart from the water that I’m probably going to gain, will I start losing muscles? I really hope You will answer me, because I literally spend way too much time wondering about that.

    With love,

    1. Serena says:

      Definitely fact check me, but i believe you start loosing strength after about a month. In general, not training for 6 weeks will make you lose the adaptations your body has made. Of course this depends on how long you had been training and other factors. We talked about it in one of my classes, but as I said please do fact check me & do a quick search on google or google scholar. But I would not worry about missing workouts while on your period. I hope I was able to put your mind at ease a bit.

  4. Kayla says:

    Hi i am a 13 year old girl and i wanted to know the best way i can loose weight i have been really insecure recently and wanted to know if you had tips for me to help build my confidence and make me feel comfortable in my skin without being called prego or fat p.s im not skinny but im not fat

    1. Yuxi says:

      There is no secret, just a good diet and exercise. If you want to lose some fat first you should do some cardio, I suggest long walks (1 hour+) or like 30 minute HIIT workouts (I recommend Chloe ting and Lilly Sabri, don’t worry if you can’t do high impact, I started working out at 13 and am now 16, you just gotta work up towards it and stay consistent). Remember these two things: discipline will take you where motivation won’t, and good nutrition changes your size, exercise changes your shape. Best of luck girl!

    2. Candice says:

      Hi Kayla,

      When I turned 13, I grew in all sorts of awkward uncomfortable ways and none of the growth was height at all. It was almost like overnight, I had large flabby thighs, wide hips and a large bust. I was very unhappy and insecure in how I looked and I came from a family of athletes. I tried lots of things throughout my teenage and adult years – different diets and work outs. I am 31 now and guess what? I’m still the weight I was roughly as when I was in high school and I eat healthier, I work out regularly and I’m happy. Same body, a couple of decades older. The only difference really is my outlook. If you cannot love and accept yourself as you currently are, no matter what you do, how much you lose, what you decide to eat or not eat, it may never be enough. You must give yourself Grace and time, and as Cassey has said it’s about learning to love and accept your body every moment of your journey.
      And while I’ve never seen you, I’m sure you are a lovely person inside and out. Practice speaking to yourself in the mirror as though you are addressing a beautiful person worthy of respect because I’m very certain that is who you are. Not merely because of looks or how others may treat you, but just a natural part of you. Good luck to you in your journey and know that you are not alone.<3

  5. Fetish says:

    The fact is that I have started to hate the things I used to admire about myself
    And now I don’t know what to do

  6. Victoria says:

    I needed to hear this. Thank you!

  7. Loving Daughter says:

    Dear Cassey,

    First of all, thank you for your workout videos! I’ve been doing them during quarantine and they help me a lot in getting fit. But more than that, your videos help me stay calm and positive amid the chaos and uncertainty. This is the first time that I’ve been consistent in my fitness journey, and it’s all because of your help! 🙂

    As for my question, here it goes. Since I workout a lot lately, I’ve been trying to get my mom to join me. I want her to be healthy and I also want to bond with her through things I enjoy doing. She’s in her late 50’s, not physically fit and active, and gets easily tired. She also has knee problems, thus she can’t do strenuous exercises. We try to go for walks and do dance workouts together. Aside from those two, what exercises can you recommend and how can I motivate my mom to workout more with me?

    Thank you and lots of love from the Philippines! 🙂

    1. Lena says:

      I have to watch out for my knees when I work out too. I can’t do things like running/jogging, lunges, etc. I skip the HIIT workouts, but I can do mostly all of Cassey’s arm, butt and back exercises, most of her ab exercises except I skip the bicycle leg parts, and I modify the leg/thigh ones by skipping any lunges and being careful on the squats.

      Try some beginner videos with your mom, reviewing the moves beforehand to see if she thinks she can do them. Start slow and build up, of course. Make a routine of it and invite her to join you everyday. You can offer to do something nice like extra chores or cooking dinner for every day she does it with you to show how much you want her to join you.

      Good luck!

  8. Elen Ghulam says:

    Dear Cassey, I noticed that I was feeling insecure about my physical appearance and so I did an exercise to love my own body. It was life changing. I wrote about it on my blog, titled “25 reasons I Love My Body”. Link underneath my name.

    1. It’s nice to “meet” another blogger! Me too!

      How long have you been blogging?

  9. Surrounding yourself with those that do not doubt you even in your darkness, is key!

  10. Ajda says:

    Dear Cassey,
    Whole my adolescences i have been arround 125 to 120 lbs which is normal weight range for my height (i am as tall as you) i would like to lower my body fat percentage for 3-5%. I believe that loosing that last few pounds is always the hardest and takes the biggest change and challenge. I am wondering whether only being in calorie deficit counts or macros are of a great importance as well!? lately i have been told it’s only the deficit but i am not sure as i am in almost a 1000kcal deficit daily ( eating a healthy food diet but not avoiding any food group)and am losing weight very slowly. I wonder if thing such as eating accordingly to ones metabolic body type or reducing carbohydrate intake could be the “catch”? Due to my slow progress i am also starting to lose motivation.

    your popster.

    1. Yuxi says:

      GIRL. Of course macros count. Think about it this way, if you’re consuming only fat then of course you aren’t going to lose weight. I’d say focus on a good balance of carbs, protein and fat to lose those last few pounds. For me I think 40% carbs, 30% fat and 30% protein is a good guideline to follow. Also don’t forget your body will adapt and you CANNOT just keep lowering your calories to lose weight, as I did. If you’re eating 1200 calories a day it’s definitely not enough. The thing is your body will slowly get used to the 1200 calories and your weight will stay constant unless you decrease calories further WHICH YOU SHOULDN’T DO. Also I’m not sure if you’re implementing weight training, which really helps, more muscle will help increase your metabolism and helps you burn more calories at rest. And NO you won’t get bulky, but you need to challenge yourself and lift heavy. Hope this helped!