September 14, 2019
First off, I want to say thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart, for all of the honest feedback and amazing advice you gave me on yesterday’s post. I truly was struggling with the whole comments situation and I think Sam needed a break from me complaining all day about every single thing every person said! I am not normally like that – but because I’ve been so transparent and so raw lately, every attack felt like a very personal one – even coming from strangers! I feel a lot better now. My strength is being restored. So seriously, thanks for that. You guys are such wonderful people.
Next, heavy topic.
One of the main concerns from people as I began my 90 day journey was that I was relapsing and falling into another ED. I want you to know that I completely understand this.
Beginning in 2012, I felt like I was imprisoned in “Food Jail” – a place where only healthy foods were allowed in my cell and everything else, like fries, pizza, sushi, burgers, and even fruits were outside the cell. Anytime I was able to sneak out of Food Jail, I felt like a thief. I felt like I had to eat as much junk food as I could in as little time as possible before anyone could catch me.
So, that’s why my binges were typically at night…with the lights off…me stuffing my body with boxes of sugary cereals and whatever else I could find in the pantry that was “off limits”. I didn’t want Sam to see me or hear me (I was so ashamed) so I did my best to quietly close crinkly chip bags and muffle any eating noises I was making. The weird thing was – the food I binged on never even tasted that good. I didn’t even like them. I just knew I couldn’t have them, so that made me want them more.
HOW I BEGAN HEALING
Eventually, I broke out of Food Jail and gained back my freedom. How? It took several years of healing.
I began allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted. I trained my mind to not feel guilty for eating something I once labeled as “bad”. I told myself that if I made the decision to eat something, I needed to OWN that decision, and I needed to ENJOY it – or else, why eat it at all? There’s no point in eating something delicious and then wasting that moment away with feelings of shame, guilt, and disgust.
At this time, I was allowing the scale to judge not just my weight, but also my self worth. Lower numbers used to make me happy while higher numbers made me cry. The power it had over me was too much. So I vowed to not step on the scale. This helped a lot at the time.
Healing meant finding the joy in food again, finding the joy in working out again, and giving my body more LOVE. I had made my body go through so much (rapid weight loss in 8 weeks for my bikini competition) that it was literally mad at me. I ended up with severe metabolic damage. My body no longer responded in logical ways to meal plans or workout programs – it was malfunctioning and needed time to rest and reset.
HEALING ON CAMERA
It wasn’t fun seeing my body balloon up while I was filming workout videos for you guys on YouTube. So many people were questioning why I was becoming fat and if my workout plans even worked. The judgement from the scale was gone, but the public judgement was harsher than ever. It was so hurtful. The comments people made about my body felt like knives cutting into my already low self esteem.
But that’s when I decided to turn the negativity into positivity. That’s when I came out with one of my most viral videos to date – “The ‘Perfect’ Body.”
Around the time that I released this video, the body positive revolution was just beginning, so once the media picked it up, all of a sudden my name became synonymous with body positivity. New fans joined the community and we all began healing together. Loving our bodies for what they could do, not what they looked like! It was amazing. It helped me heal. It also helped me heal to see all types of bodies being celebrated all over social media.
WHY MY PAST ED DOESN’T DEFINE ME
It’s been several years now since my orthorexia and since “The ‘Perfect’ Body” came out. And I want to tell you this – my body and my mind have healed, and the 90 day journey is proof of it.
The point of telling you all that is to let you know that just because I had an eating disorder, it doesn’t mean I am damaged forever.
Let that sink in.
Just because I had an eating disorder, it doesn’t mean that I can’t ever make healthy decisions again.
Just because you had an eating disorder, doesn’t mean that you can’t ever make healthy decisions again.
I think me going on this 90 day journey looked like a huge red flag to anyone who has ever been through an ED. I get it. Me tracking my food, tracking my weight, stepping on the scale, having a goal weight etc. For those of us who are in the healing phase – I 100% understand why you don’t want to see this. It’s triggering because you’re trying to do the opposite of what I am doing. Again, you’re in the HEALING phase and you SHOULD NOT be doing what I am doing. Your healing is what you need to focus on. Good on you for knowing that and unfollowing or unsubscribing for your mental wellness.
LOVING YOUR BODY WHILE IMPROVING YOURSELF IS POSSIBLE
Once you’re physically and mentally healed from whatever trauma you put your body through, you realize you don’t have to stay where you are forever right? Like yes girl, accept yourself but also accept that it’s okay to improve yourself too!
What bothers me most about all of the criticism against my 90 day journey is the assumption that I can’t make healthy decisions anymore, just because I had an ED. Isn’t that kind of condescending? When I hear that, I hear a little bit of concern and A LOT of “oh I bet she can’t do it right because she failed before.”
You know what? I am grateful for my ED.
I actually know so much more about my body than I did before all of that happened. If anyone can get through an eating disorder AND heal themselves, that is such a HUGE TRIUMPH!
So, why can’t I have another chance at getting in the best shape of my life in a happy and healthy way? It doesn’t mean I don’t love myself. It means I love myself SO MUCH that I’m willing to give myself another chance to reach the goals I deserve.
That’s right. I DESERVE to be the best version of myself.
And you do too.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t love yourself because you’re trying to improve yourself. That’s BS.
Here’s my day 29 Fit Journal entry! I started off the day with a full body sculpt weight lifting class at 7:15am.
Then I drove to Blogi HQ to take care of some business and munched on my chili roasted pistachios as I sipped my lemon water!
For lunch I had my fave from Tender Greens, the ahi tuna salad!
Post lunch as I was blogging, I had some more chili roasted pistachios. Again, a great writing snack 🙂 I’m running low though. May need to stop by Costco soon!
After I finished blogging, my sis came by to pick me up to go stretch! I love sister stretch time! We actually invested in some yoga blocks and pillows so we can stretch with the same exercises at home too. This should help with our progress.
After stretching, I rushed home and whipped up this super quick 5 min dinner because Sam and I were late to game night with our friends! I made 2 bacon, egg, and cheese egg cups (pre-made from Costco) and then a side salad consisting of butter lettuce, cherry tomatoes, ground turkey and creamy jalapeño dressing.
At game night, I had some raspberries and sparkling water. When I got home, I ate some baba ganoush with baby bell peppers! It was like 11:30 pm but whatever! It was yum.