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Hey guys!

First off, I want to say thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart, for all of the honest feedback and amazing advice you gave me on yesterday’s post. I truly was struggling with the whole comments situation and I think Sam needed a break from me complaining all day about every single thing every person said! I am not normally like that – but because I’ve been so transparent and so raw lately, every attack felt like a very personal one – even coming from strangers! I feel a lot better now. My strength is being restored. So seriously, thanks for that. You guys are such wonderful people.

Next, heavy topic.

One of the main concerns from people as I began my 90 day journey was that I was relapsing and falling into another ED. I want you to know that I completely understand this.

MY ORTHOREXIA

Beginning in 2012, I felt like I was imprisoned in “Food Jail” – a place where only healthy foods were allowed in my cell and everything else, like fries, pizza, sushi, burgers, and even fruits were outside the cell. Anytime I was able to sneak out of Food Jail, I felt like a thief. I felt like I had to eat as much junk food as I could in as little time as possible before anyone could catch me.

So, that’s why my binges were typically at night…with the lights off…me stuffing my body with boxes of sugary cereals and whatever else I could find in the pantry that was “off limits”. I didn’t want Sam to see me or hear me (I was so ashamed) so I did my best to quietly close crinkly chip bags and muffle any eating noises I was making. The weird thing was – the food I binged on never even tasted that good. I didn’t even like them. I just knew I couldn’t have them, so that made me want them more.

HOW I BEGAN HEALING

Eventually, I broke out of Food Jail and gained back my freedom. How? It took several years of healing.

I began allowing myself to eat whatever I wanted. I trained my mind to not feel guilty for eating something I once labeled as “bad”. I told myself that if I made the decision to eat something, I needed to OWN that decision, and I needed to ENJOY it – or else, why eat it at all? There’s no point in eating something delicious and then wasting that moment away with feelings of shame, guilt, and disgust.

At this time, I was allowing the scale to judge not just my weight, but also my self worth. Lower numbers used to make me happy while higher numbers made me cry. The power it had over me was too much. So I vowed to not step on the scale. This helped a lot at the time.

Healing meant finding the joy in food again, finding the joy in working out again, and giving my body more LOVE. I had made my body go through so much (rapid weight loss in 8 weeks for my bikini competition) that it was literally mad at me. I ended up with severe metabolic damage. My body no longer responded in logical ways to meal plans or workout programs – it was malfunctioning and needed time to rest and reset.

HEALING ON CAMERA

It wasn’t fun seeing my body balloon up while I was filming workout videos for you guys on YouTube. So many people were questioning why I was becoming fat and if my workout plans even worked. The judgement from the scale was gone, but the public judgement was harsher than ever. It was so hurtful. The comments people made about my body felt like knives cutting into my already low self esteem.

But that’s when I decided to turn the negativity into positivity. That’s when I came out with one of my most viral videos to date – “The ‘Perfect’ Body.”

Around the time that I released this video, the body positive revolution was just beginning, so once the media picked it up, all of a sudden my name became synonymous with body positivity. New fans joined the community and we all began healing together. Loving our bodies for what they could do, not what they looked like! It was amazing. It helped me heal. It also helped me heal to see all types of bodies being celebrated all over social media.

WHY MY PAST ED DOESN’T DEFINE ME

It’s been several years now since my orthorexia and since “The ‘Perfect’ Body” came out. And I want to tell you this – my body and my mind have healed, and the 90 day journey is proof of it.

The point of telling you all that is to let you know that just because I had an eating disorder, it doesn’t mean I am damaged forever.

Let that sink in.

Just because I had an eating disorder, it doesn’t mean that I can’t ever make healthy decisions again.

Just because you had an eating disorder, doesn’t mean that you can’t ever make healthy decisions again.

I think me going on this 90 day journey looked like a huge red flag to anyone who has ever been through an ED. I get it. Me tracking my food, tracking my weight, stepping on the scale, having a goal weight etc. For those of us who are in the healing phase – I 100% understand why you don’t want to see this. It’s triggering because you’re trying to do the opposite of what I am doing. Again, you’re in the HEALING phase and you SHOULD NOT be doing what I am doing. Your healing is what you need to focus on. Good on you for knowing that and unfollowing or unsubscribing for your mental wellness.

LOVING YOUR BODY WHILE IMPROVING YOURSELF IS POSSIBLE

Once you’re physically and mentally healed from whatever trauma you put your body through, you realize you don’t have to stay where you are forever right? Like yes girl, accept yourself but also accept that it’s okay to improve yourself too!

What bothers me most about all of the criticism against my 90 day journey is the assumption that I can’t make healthy decisions anymore, just because I had an ED. Isn’t that kind of condescending? When I hear that, I hear a little bit of concern and A LOT of “oh I bet she can’t do it right because she failed before.”

You know what? I am grateful for my ED.

I actually know so much more about my body than I did before all of that happened. If anyone can get through an eating disorder AND heal themselves, that is such a HUGE TRIUMPH!

So, why can’t I have another chance at getting in the best shape of my life in a happy and healthy way? It doesn’t mean I don’t love myself. It means I love myself SO MUCH that I’m willing to give myself another chance to reach the goals I deserve.

That’s right. I DESERVE to be the best version of myself.

And you do too.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t love yourself because you’re trying to improve yourself. That’s BS.

Yesterday’s Recap:

Here’s my day 29 Fit Journal entry! I started off the day with a full body sculpt weight lifting class at 7:15am.

Then I drove to Blogi HQ to take care of some business and munched on my chili roasted pistachios as I sipped my lemon water!

For lunch I had my fave from Tender Greens, the ahi tuna salad!

Post lunch as I was blogging, I had some more chili roasted pistachios. Again, a great writing snack :) I’m running low though. May need to stop by Costco soon!

After I finished blogging, my sis came by to pick me up to go stretch! I love sister stretch time! We actually invested in some yoga blocks and pillows so we can stretch with the same exercises at home too. This should help with our progress.

After stretching, I rushed home and whipped up this super quick 5 min dinner because Sam and I were late to game night with our friends! I made 2 bacon, egg, and cheese egg cups (pre-made from Costco) and then a side salad consisting of butter lettuce, cherry tomatoes, ground turkey and creamy jalapeño dressing.

At game night, I had some raspberries and sparkling water. When I got home, I ate some baba ganoush with baby bell peppers! It was like 11:30 pm but whatever! It was yum.

The Conversation (58)

Got some thoughts? Share them!

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  • Annete says:

    How ironic is it that some people use the body ~positivity~ label to justify their attacks on someone else’s body? Positivity means having a healthy and loving attitude, not accepting everything as-is. As someone who grew up with severe body image issues, I know it can be a difficult topic–but through every stage of this journey, Cassey has straight-up said that body positivity needs to come before weight-loss, and has never pressured others to have the same goals as she does. You go, girl! Haters gonna hate.

  • I love hag you’re being so detailed and descriptive with your day, cassey! Not everyone is brave enough to do this and thats what I appreciate most shot you. Despite your critiques (who honestly need to get a better hobby, lol), you continue to be true to you. Don’t ever stop.

  • Jane says:

    Honestly, Cassey. The problem I (and many others) have with your diet isn’t the weight loss, tracking, or goal setting. I think all of that is great, and I do it myself to keep me accountable, stay on track, and have a KPI for my success!

    You and I have similar bodies and similar situations. I, too, gained 14 lbs after my wedding. I, too, know what my body is capable of becoming and want to get back to that point. I, too, am stronger and more fit than I look, but I can’t seem to get to that hard, toned body that’s hiding underneath a soft layer, despite the fact that I’m still considered “thin.” And I, too, have tried every diet in the book, stagnating after losing 5 lbs in the first month. I know exactly where you’re coming from, and I don’t fault you one bit on what you’re doing. Heck, I might even buy the scale you use so I can start tracking fat loss and muscle gain!

    The problem I have is how public you are with everything, including your low carb eating. Women, especially younger girls, should not be learning that low carb is the way to go. Carbs are important for brain and body function, especially teenagers who are still growing and developing mentally and physically. There is nothing wrong with having a scoop of brown rice or quinoa with dinner, and they should realize that. That 100 calories of grains won’t ruin anyone’s diet, and it’ll keep you satiated even longer (not to mention, the fiber!).

    Look, you do you, and eat what you want. I’m sure what you’re doing is perfectly healthy for you, but do you really have to blog everything for all of your followers to see? It feels like an overshare, and it not’s healthy for many of your fans to have this shoved in their faces everyday, nor is it a good influence on young, vulnerable women who may also be dealing with body image issues or may be at risk of an ED…or perhaps a girl who’s bigger than you and thinks, “well, if Cassey needs to lose weight, then I definitely do.” I know it’s YOUR blog and you can do whatever you want with it, but if you’re making a living by being a role model to millions of young women, then you have a social responsibility to not influence them in a way that could be unhealthy to them. Keep doing what you’re doing, but maybe not obsess about it publicly and overshare every detail that could lead to unhealthy habits for others. If you feel the need to talk about it in a forum to keep yourself accountable or seek advice, then start a weight loss group with your friends.

    • Kirsten says:

      Girl, PREACH. Thank you so much, I was thinking the exact same thing. Telling people to unsubscribe or unfollow is NOT helpful for someone who might just stumble upon this type of toxic content like this

  • Michal says:

    The goal of recovery from ED/disordered eating should not be weight loss and dieting (even if you claim it’s healthy weight loss, even if you claim it’s just a little bit of dieting – no where near as bad as before…) recovery from an eating disorder is healing your relationship with food (no more restriction or dieting, it doesn’t work and hurts all bodies) and healing your relationship with your body (accepting it, not trying to shrink it and force it to look a certain way and becoming MORE than a body) and healing your relationship with exercise (finding joyful movement for health benefits not weight loss!). This message of weight loss being possible when you are recovered is a damaging and harmful message. Recovery is about being more than your appearance.

    • AJ says:

      This is completely true, she keeps saying she wants health but what does weight loss have to do with that/why is that the goal? Not blood tests or anything else. Just weight.

  • Jillian says:

    Cassey!! I watched the hey b!tch video podcast you were in & i’ve been following your journey since 2012. it was great to hear how you’ve been affected/how you feel. youre in full control of your journey and its a blessing to be able to experience it with you. im so excited that you’ve been posting every day again! i support you through this journey, and i’m happy you’re still working on being your best self:) youre an inspiration just by doing what you feel is best for yourself, and you don’t need to please everyone.

  • Kelly says:

    I read a post elsewhere recently about how toxic “positivity” can be when people are shamed into thinking if they aren’t positive enough all the time they are being bad. And it changed the way I look at so many posts I see. This post today, Cassey, made me tear up. Thank you for what you do. For being brave and outspoken, and for putting words to how I’ve been feeling but have been unable to fully express or even realize. Even our “bad” days when we just can’t feel positive are there to teach us. It matters more that we come back stronger and are free to think for ourselves.

    • blogilates says:

      OMG that is so true!!! When I was talking about my real feelings, there were a bunch of people saying how “negative” I was being.

  • Denise says:

    Processed food prepped by the store is not what I’d eat, no judgement just a fact. Figure out cooking as it is equally rewarding even when you are Superwoman. I admire your resolve. Fat? They’re insane. You are beautiful.

  • emmadilemma says:

    I appreciate this post Cassey. As someone also recovering/recovered? from disordered eating, I was worried about you when you first started this journey, but you defend yourself and your journey well in this post. I too don’t want to slide back into disordered eating, but want to be able to pursue health and a body that feels good without being labeled as anti-body positive or someone who is falling back into bad habits. I’m hopeful that as we all continue to have conversations around food, body, diet culture, and disordered eating, there will be room made for those who want to pursue fitness without the baggage of diet culture, eating disorders, and the like. Thank you for listening to those who’ve commented from genuine concern, and I’m sorry you had to deal with hateful or judgmental comments. Those are never helpful. I’m glad that you are feeling good, that this process has been a positive one for you, and I thank you for being your honest self, even in the face of pushback. I think that’s one of the bravest things a person can do. Sometimes we might find out we’re wrong in the end, but other times we’re not, and either way, it’s better to be true to yourself and what you believe, and to change your mind down the road if you learn things that make you re-think your position, than to try to be something you’re not or follow what other people say from the start. I feel really grateful to have gotten to read your blog posts on this journey, and to have my feelings shift as I’ve gotten a better understanding of where you’re coming from. Thank you Cassey!

  • Dessi says:

    Cassey!! I have been following your workout and blog for now 7 years? wow, that is a long time :)! I want to say that I love your workouts and you as YOU! I totally agree that as human beings keeping up workouts and diet is difficult, but I really loved your word that we should love ourselves more and be kind to our body and soul. I usually do one of your challenges for 30 days and then maybe I will have couple of days when I do not work out and then my body starts craving the sensation and muscle pain that is achievable from your workouts and I start again :) Keeping a diet is difficult and I think for me it helped me when I started to understand the nutritional values and what does it do to our body. That led me to better choices (small steps) and I started to feel better because, in the end, it is about what is good for my body :) I am so proud of you for who you are and for all the amazing videos you have created! Do not listen to anyone negative and just be YOU :)! We love you and your hard-working spirit and I would love to meet you one day in-person to thank you so much :)!

  • Hayoung says:

    Cassey, I am so proud of you and I am so proud of your journey. I have struggled with Orthorexia – and I think I am in the phase of healing, which means I haven’t healed perfectly. But one thing that has helped me along the way is to think that I can always make a mistake and if I do make some mistakes, it doesn’t mean I am not healing. I always wanted my body to change, but when I started to notice the ED eating my twenties away, I was anxious to get rid of my ED. So I tried so many different methods, but once in a while, I saw myself sneaking in some ED habits again. When it happened, I suddenly dropped everything and was keep telling to myself that “you will never be what you want to be.” I wasn’t on a “healing” journey to love myself. It was just another way to beat myself down. I had too much pride in myself for not making mistakes at all when we are all weak and have flaws. Seeing you going through similar experiences and came this far, now I have so much hope in myself to do the same Thank you, Cassey, always..!

  • Danii says:

    Thank you so much for talking about your ED. I’ve been struggling with recovery and minor episodes of relapsing for 2 years. Every day is a challenge and I couldn’t imagine doing this in the public eye. You’ve inspired me so much these last few years. Thank you so much for everything. One day I hope to be where you are with your ED. I’m proud of you :)!!!

  • Diana says:

    Being in the public eye is tough. It’s even harder when people criticize you for being a fitness trainer and not looking a certain way. Add into that your history of orthorexia and it’s a perfect storm pretty much. I never saw an issue with how you looked. I always thought you looked fit in every single video and the people saying otherwise or that you gained weight have something seriously wrong with them. I know I am not alone in saying I loved watching and working out to your videos because they were fun and positive even though you were killing us at the same time (I guess I should say challenging us lol). I always loved that about you and I am sorry people made you feel bad and that there was something wrong with you. There was nothing wrong with you, but something wrong with the people criticizing you. I hope you can drown out those naysayers and get to your healthiest self mentally, emotionally, and physically once and for all. Only you can say what that is for you. I look forward to watching great videos and content from you. Hang in there.

  • Christin says:

    Hello Cassey,

    Thank you so much for this inspire journey. Since I get an eating disorder I want to try so many thinks for take care of myself. It is not easy but I think it is very important to find a healthy level with your body. I need a mental trainer to manage my mind and finding peace with my body. But I want to start a journey as well. Thank you, Cassey :-)

    • Diana says:

      Having a mental trainer sounds like a good idea. Ever thought of seeing a therapist? It might be something to look into.

  • Melissa says:

    You nailed it!! I have fought with an ED for over 25 years! I get a grip on it and then BAM! I relapse. The last couple of years I have been doing better than I have since I started down the dreadful journey of the ED! Everyday I fight with the scale and the number that’s on it. I know that the number does not show my value as a person but yet I let it. If the number is good (to me) then I feel successful and valuable. If the number is not acceptable to me, then I feel like a failure and that I have no value. Sounds silly I know , but that is how my thinking as been for so long it is habit. I wish I could eat and enjoy food and not feel guilty. It’s like food is in control of my life and if I let that guard down then I will mess up and be a failure. Maybe my ED started trying to feel valuable or successful, and/or maybe it was to feel accepted and strong and in control, while everything around me was falling apart. It took over and it has never really gone away? Maybe it’s like any other addiction that it will always be something that I fight with and just not let it take over or control me anymore. I want to be free, but it is so hard and so scary!! For those who don’t understand the struggle I know this all sound ridiculous. I want to thank you Casey, for doing what you are doing and for making me not feel that I am all alone in an ED struggle. Some days are good, others are paralyzing. I take it one day at a time and I hope that one day I can be totally free from this evil disorder!
    I know it is a choice and mindset, but it is not easy. And again I commend you for your strength and courage and for making me feel more comfortable in my own skin. You do you!! You are doing GREAT!! Thank you!😊

  • Saraahx says:

    I can’t imagine what you had to go through nor hard and draining it was for you. You’re such a strong woman, Cassey! I love “The Perfect Body” video, it tells the whole truth and it also makes me cry hard.
    My already great love/admiration for you gets deeper and stronger with every post that you make, every encouragement that you give, every story that you share, every spark that dims our fears and weaknesses. Shit I’m getting a bit emotional but your words truly have a power. THANK YOU, CASSEY!

  • Lauren says:

    I was just going to comment that the one thing that got me out of my head and trying to figure out my problems, issues, and negative emotions-strangling then to death trying to figure out everything through my analytical, logical mind always coming back to the same conclusion over and over was definitely meditation. I’ve slowly increased my time meditating daily to one hour per day, and it has been life changing to balance that mind, body, spirit. Also it’s like a “spiritual brain storming” session to meditate with your partner or family/friends. You can literally get answers to seemingly impossible-between a rock and a hard spot-situations if you get really quiet and allow universal mind to just download the answers! It’s truly like a mini miracle when it happens. Like how did I not figure that out before?! Win win!

    Also if you’re not into “woo woo” stuff lol just check out the scientific studies with all the tons of proven benefits of meditation including weight loss, increased strength, greater flexibility, and less stress etc etc. I made it through menopause I’d say much more elegantly with the help of meditation. You need it when those hot flashes hit you.

    Kundalini yoga actually is utterly amazing. The breath work in it is transformative. It helped me get through some of your exercises actually. Lol

    Just want to say finally too that negative comments are more a reflection of the person writing them. Especially if they are designed to “make you feel ashamed or bad” that is downright abusive. Unfortunately there are a percentage of abusive people out there who attack for no apparent reason. If the vocabulary is abusive or even mean, I would love to see those people blocked.

  • Linda Merkhai says:

    I’ve been a silent subscriber for YEARS now, but I wanted to give my own two cents about this whole 90 day challenge ~controversy~ 😇 In my opinion, I feel like a lot of people were/are upset with you for starting the challenge simply due to the way you introduced it: you said you were UPSET with the weight you gained over the past year, looked UNHAPPY in your “before” pictures (as everyone always does 😅), and even replied in a comment that you DIDN’T have a flat stomach (even though you totally did!). Even for me, it was totally jarring, and upsetting to see that this person who inspired ME to look beyond my arms & legs looking like twigs, and focus on all the things they’re constantly doing for me, and how strong they’re getting (even though they’re apparently impervious to bulking up, LOOOL), and whom I thought had a beautiful, strong body didn’t think that way about herself. 😣 I believe that it’s totally fine for you to be surprised that you gained weight (and, that you even gained it in the first place considering your body, and all your trips/wedding last year 😂), and you wanting to set out to lose it, and reach other fitness measures, as well. 🤷‍♀️ As you outlined your meal plan, and fitness regime, any initial misgivings I had that your apparent unhappiness with your current body (not your past eating disorder, ’cause, no offence, but I honestly forgot you even had one before 😅) would drive you to extremes were completely dispelled ’cause your approach was totally healthy, and reasonable – and, not gonna lie, it basically sounded like what you normally do anyhow, excluding the tracking aspects. 😂 I’m truly, really happy that (overall, at least) you’re having fun, AND steadily reaching the goals you set out for yourself. 😄💙 However, I do wish that your initial motivation, at least how it sounded in your preface, wasn’t so… hopeless sounding? 🤔 Like, you’ve been saying, it’s totally okay to want to continue to improve, and totally possible to do that while still loving yourself – a lot of people accomplish those feats, including yourself!! 😊 For example, you’ve ALWAYS obsessed over your toe point, and middle splits, and – similar to this challenge – have expressed a desire to improve both, and have a tangible end goal you want to reach, which is totally fine, and something that I’m sure everyone easily rooted for you for. There’s just one important difference, though: you’ve NEVER prefaced wanting to improve your middle splits with you saying/looking so unhappy with where you were at now, or making outlandish statements like you’re “inflexible.” 😅 You’ve always happily acknowledged the progress you’ve made (“I can do front splits now!”, “I’m about here with my middle splits right now!”), and simply expressed your desire to now get your crotch to touch the floor – and, that’s all!! 😂 No implied disappointment, or sadness, or anything like that, which would be so upsetting for anyone to hear (in regards to anything, really)! 😅 All in all, I think that a lot of people, myself included, aren’t upset with the particulars of your challenge, or think poorly of you for committing to it; I think we were all just upset to discover that you – this inspiring, wonderful human being – thought so poorly of yourself for even just a moment while we thought so highly of you. 😣 At the end of the day, though, we could’ve totally misunderstood what you wrote in your introduction, and as long as you’re happy, and healthy now, that’s the most important thing~ 😊 YOU DO YOU, GIRL!!! 😄💙💙💙

    • blogilates says:

      Thanks for your well thought out comment! I can see where you’re coming from. Yes, I want a good toe point and I want my crotch to touch the floor in a middle split much like I want to get in the best shape of my life – but that gets sensitive because I attached a number to it. The funny thing is, you don’t hear me complain about my lack of natural arch in my foot or the fact that my hips are too tight. Those goals I think are unrelatable to many, so I don’t really write about it, but also I can’t imagine people would be getting too mad about my “inflexibility”. Weight loss hits home for many, so I get why me being so real with my emotions is off putting, esp. when people are comparing their body to mine. Even though we’re on separate journeys.

      • Linda Merkhai says:

        Hmm, that’s a fair point! The flexibility vs fitness goals was a poor example on my part; they definitely wouldn’t garner the same emotional reaction from people, like you said. 😂 Honestly, I can’t relate to any weight loss concerns ’cause – as you might have guessed – I’m naturally very thin (to the point of constant teasing from others 😑), but your initial sadness reminded me of myself immediately after finishing chemo last October: at the ripe ‘ol age of 23, I had basically lost all my hair (and temporarily developed “cradle cap” to boot), and – as vain, and dumb as it sounds – the fact that my hair wasn’t (well, isn’t*) back to its regular length halfway down my back was all I could see when I looked at my reflection, and that ONE shortcoming somehow negated ALL that I accomplished thereafter; it was literally only recently that it dawned on me that I was being so incredibly unfair of myself, and I think my friends, and family would be so heartbroken to know that I couldn’t see the healing, and progress that they saw themselves. 😅 But, I realize that it was very unfair of me to expect you to be all rainbows, and butterflies all the time – ’cause you’re human, after all – and, to project my feelings on to you to when we ARE completely different people!! 😂 So, I’m really, very sorry if my comment(s) upset you in any way: it totally wasn’t my intention at all (in fact, I wanted to make you LESS upset)!! 😣 As a way to hopefully make it up to you, I would like to tell you that you’re actually the reason why I was able to recover so quickly after chemo, AND – this might sound totally bizzare – you even gave me the courage to go through with my bone marrow biopsies with your 30 day squat challenge! 😊 I am so, so, SOOOOOO incredibly grateful to you, and, I sincerely hope that when you look at yourself in the mirror (9/10 times, anyway, ’cause humans are silly sometimes), what you see makes you proud, and happy ’cause you’re truly amazing & made so many people happy (and, incredibly sore, LOOOL) just by being you!! 😄😄💙💙 Also, sorry for the two novels! 😇 I hope you have a wonderful, kick-butt day!! 😄👍

  • Raven says:

    Your 90 Day Journey is definitely putting some things in my life into perspective. I’ve had so many health issues lately that I finally bit the bullet and made a doctor appointment to address some of them. Now, I’m trying to think about what I want for me aside from that. The scale at the doctor’s told me I weigh a lot more than I want to (I’m almost back up to my highest but my boyfriend swears it’s a lot of muscle weight I put on the past 2 years I’ve been following your calendar). I know I have a sugar addiction. I love cookies, cakes, chocolate, etc so much and I find it difficult to give that up. Plus, I moved into my first house and keep finding ways to save money, which is usually cheap junk food for work snacks or after dinner desserts. My boyfriend and I both want to be healthier now that we’re getting older but I have no idea what that even means for me.

    In short, I guess, thank you for helping me actually face this.

  • Kailyn Michelle says:

    Not thin enough – I could do better – what’s wrong with me – They’d be happier without me – WHO THE HELL CARES ANOUT ME All of these thoughts are very eating disordered centered. I have been there and you are not the only one who has dealt with it and it’s very scarring and the long term effects are not very fun cause we have to learn how to deal with all the feelings and emotions we starve behind Others who don’t understand will point that out as you being dramatic when that’s not the case at all Friends don’t understand that about me either but you focus on trying to be healthy but you don’t want to be so obsessed with it all the time if you’re body is telling it’s hungry – eat. If you find yourself craving something sweet you should have it Just don’t go overboard with it Don’t let it tear you down I’m dealing with it now cause I’ve been dealing with some bullies right now and I’m scared of it jeopardizing my chances of being able to teach You have to be careful who you trust even instructors You stay awesome We never would have gotten this far without you We need you honey You’re important to us and you’ve even helped me from slipping back into my eating disorder You are very inspiring and remind me I’m stronger than I realize I do what I can Knowing it’s not going to get any easier We need each other cause this is our community to build each other up not down and more important we need to be able to help bring more awareness to that anywhere we go Let is help you when you feel like it’s a little too much sometimes We love you so much and just want you to be happy too Let us be there for you for a change You aren’t in this alone

  • Ania says:

    Your honesty with all of this ed’s is very brave and I think you can be a great example for young girls who are chasing this dreamy perfection that doesn’t exist in real life. Thank for all of this. I’m sending you my prayers and warm thoughts, don’t give up :*

  • Vicky says:

    Hi Cassey,
    I can totally relate that negativ comments can really bring you down sometimes, especially when you do something that makes you actually happy 😔
    But here’s the point : I think as long as comments are not disrespectful, offensive or just unkind there is also a good point about them. They show that there is awareness for the whole body-positivity-weigh-loss topic. Whatever people’s different opinions are at least they get to discuss the topic and be aware of different aspects to it .
    So don’t blame yourself for that discussions , you just brought awareness to different aspects, which is great 💪🏼🌟
    I think because the body is a topic so many people struggle with, people get very emotional about it and in the course of this sometimes kind of offensive.
    Don’t let that bring you down ! ♥️
    I loved your videos since I tried to gain back strength after i lost so much weight and all my strength due to an ED ..♥️
    Take care !

  • Ula says:

    This is the most powerful post you’ve probably ever written at least for me. I had the same problems and now I can finally say that I’m healed but I know how hard is this process. We definitely deserve to thrive again and make good decisions and be happy with ourselves once again.

    • Kailyn Michelle says:

      We will never be healed honey You just know how to handle it and have better control over it It’s not like falling and getting scraped It never goes away we just have learn how to deal with our emotions in a different and find coping skills that actually work to help us through it but it will always be a part of us You just don’t let it define you and who you are There is a difference

  • Ann Chang says:

    Hi Cassey!

    I’m sorry to hear about all the criticism you’ve been getting. To be honest, I had an ED as well when I started following you. Your honesty and positivity really helped me through it. It was like we were healing together and I don’t think I would’ve healed as fast as I did without you. Now I’m better, stronger and healthier, improving my health in a better way. I’m always looking forward to reading your daily blogs.

    Sending all my love! Keep up the great work!

  • Anitha Mallya says:

    I’ve started following your insta page recently. I enjoy reading your comics but this thought that you put down today hit all the right spots. I am an emotional eater, no matter how I feel, good or bad, I eat. But at the same time, I love working out. I can see improvement in my stamina but when it comes to pictures of me, there’s nothing there. Also, no weight loss. It’s a struggle to love yourself when the image of yourself in your own mind is something different. I am now training my mind to love myself, no matter how I look. I keep telling myself – ‘I may not be prefect, but I am fine and healthy and I am improving myself. My workout is not to make me pretty or thin or a certain size, my workouts are to help me be a better version of myself, and also, I workout because it is fun. My body may not change now, but there are minute changes which will happen slowly and I will get better. Till then, I will love myself and love this process’.
    Thank you for sharing this post. I’ll go on rambling if i don’t stop.

  • Krista says:

    Hello Cassey,

    I am a pretty shy and non-social person so I hardly ever make comments on social media. But after reading this post, it made so sad, I felt I needed to share as well. I felt I needed to let you know that I am so grateful to you, cause after reading the Day 1 post of your 90 Days journey, I found the strength and motivation I’ve been searching for for years, and started my own 90 Days Journey.

    I am an overweight 23 year old (69kg at 5ft) . This really bothered and scared me for a while cause mainly I’ve always wanted to have a family in the future and I feel being healthy for them and myself is really important. So with my struggles with weight gain, it has always worried me that if I didn’t do something about it, I’d only get more overweight as I get older, and I won’t be able to achieve my dream. But reading your Day 1 post was the best thing that as ever happened to me in a really really long time. You made me open up my mind to the fact that I can achieve anything I want as long as I was truly ready to do it. So I kicked all my usual procrastination and self doubt aside, said fuck it, am starting a 90 Days Journey of my own! I started a bit later than you cause had to figure a few things out, but today is Day 8 of my own 90 Days fitness journey. I feel so happy and motivated, I’ve never had so much control over myself before. So I feel you should truly ignore all the negatives out there and keep motivating people.

    Thanks once again Cassey. xx Krista

    • blogilates says:

      OMG I am so proud of you!!!! You’ve got this. I can’t wait to hear how you progress week by week!

  • Nikita Semwal says:

    Thanx for sharing this..I can totally relate to ‘food jail’ concept..when I was trying to lose weight I was even afraid to take a sip of water thinking it would bloat me..before measurement day at gym I used to starve myself at least two days prior to get good results.If I wanted to have anything that wasnt considered healthy I used to hide it and eat it behind the locked doors.All because people had expectations as they considered me as the person they want to be in terms of physical fitness.These all expectations and pressure can wear u down. I finally decided to not care about their opinions.As of today I am trying to be fit as I gained a lot of weight in process of getting back to normal diet…but one thing is for sure I wl never go bck to starving myself or being afraid of food.And from that day till today the only person who kept me going was u Cassey😍🤗thnx fr yr honest and motivating blogs😘

  • Rébecca says:

    Hi Cassey

    I too suffered from ED before due to toxic relationships. Sometimes it’s because of the people close to you. I lost so much weight that I eventually created some considerable health issues. I wasn’t even happy at that time. Then I went from anorexia to bulimia nervosa….to the point where I didn’t want to live.

    My point is… yes you could have had an ED but you can also heal from it. I am now a mentally healthy person but my body is still healing but that’s ok. It’s taking time now for me to lose weight but I’m enjoying the ride to this new journey.

    I am now in healthy relationships and happy than ever. You’re posts are so encouraging, so please keep them coming. You are a beautiful person so please don’t be too harsh on yourself.

    Much love

  • Jenna says:

    Cassey,
    You are doing what so many of us wish we could do! Speak about and share our experiences in a way that can help others. I also suffered for over nine years from my own ED. After healing I weigh 80 lbs more, but I no longer feel disgusted- I feel strong. Even with 6 day a week workouts and a fairly healthy diet I am not what I wish I could be. Now, I even have a mama pouch, and although it doesn’t look flattering I am proud. I hope my daughter will read stories like yours and realize life isn’t about putting yourself down, but finding joy and being happy!! Negativity is time wasted in a life that has a time limit.
    Xoxo

  • Diana says:

    Hi Cassey,
    I’ve been looking forward to reading your daily blogs to hear about your progress and I feel that we as a community are getting to know you so much more.

    I’ve been following you since the “Call Me Maybe” Squat Challenge and you’ve gradually became a role model of mine. So far, over the years, I’ve done PIIT 1.0 and 2.0 twice and recently the 100 glutes challenge. Just trying to find the time to start PIIT 3.0 in the middle of a lot of life changes.
    I have to admit, when I watched your IG live and you spoke about this new fitness journey, I was curiously wondering how this fits into your brand and your philosophy for Blogilates. But as you explained and as I read your daily blogs, I understand more that this is entirely part of your philosophy Blogilates. Blogilates is you! All your struggles, all your accomplishments! I’m sad to here that there are still hurtful comments out there, and understandable, we as humans tend to look at the negatives and let them overshadow all the positives. I think it is amazing that you are able to do this journey for yourself and be vulnerable to let all of us be a part of your journey.

    Last little motivational quote that I love from Eleanor Roosevelt: “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think that’s something good to keep in mind.

    Keep up your great work! Xoxo

  • Beth says:

    THIS. OMG, is everything, Cassey.
    As a psychologist/therapist and who had an ED in the past myself, the biggest – and most dangerous! – myth I see out there is that „once you had an ED, you simply cannot get rid of it”. That like a nasty disease, it stays with you forever, and that you can’t heal completely, just „learn to live with it”, because it’ll always lurk in your head.
    And this is BULLSH*T.
    You CAN heal completely. You CAN grow. You can learn to love yourself and your life. So thank you, thank you, thank you being an examply of healing, for sharing your thoughts, your emotional maturity and journey with all of us.
    You are the best, keep going for yourself! Love,
    Beth

  • Jenny says:

    Thanks for speaking out for those who have experienced ED recovery. It makes me feel less isolated.

    Also! On that note! Have you been in therapy/treatment? Could you write about that experience? If not, why have you not sought therapy?

    Love you! Thanks for everything always.

    • Kailyn Michelle says:

      I’ve never sought therapy Mom asked one if I felt like I needed it. back when I started throwing myself up and it’s jjist gotten worse The person I tried to turn to the most used those emotions I was struggling with and threw back in my face accusing me of being dramatic I am still very hurt and has been been very emotionally scarring for me I just can’t get anyone else to see that We have dealt with stuff going down in my family as well and I even lost my job and aunt whom I was very close too I’m more active I don’t get a lot of sleep at night and I always feel numb and just want to cry all the time I’m not doing well at all I’m just doing what I can to get through every day and I find myself falling asleep at random times I’m just doing what I can

  • Tara says:

    Cassie you don’t have to justify yourself for making the choices that make you happy. I love the fact that you are seeing the positive in the people who are bringing you down. Most people can’t do that. Much love,
    Tara

  • ghost says:

    Thanks for posting your details. This made me think about some stressors in my life. And also I made up a cool line that I might use in a story that I am writing. Check this out:
    I am of Purple,
    knowing
    I am of a physical bubble.

  • Carol says:

    Thanks for being so open with your journey Cassey! I have been watching your videos for at least 9 years, and you have helped me so much. Just a few months ago after dealing with depression, I had to ease into exercising again, and your beginner videos were the first thing I started with to help me get back up on my feet. So I just wanted to say thank you, and please remember, for every negative comment, I am sure there are many more people like myself who are so thankful for your videos, your encouragement, and your positivity. Your post today also reminds me of a quote I have recently been thinking about, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”. It’s so true, and applies to so many things in addition to how we relate to our bodies. As long as the love and healthy mindset have been developed, I think the body positivity movement ought to make room for people wanting to change themselves. Best wishes, and thank you again!!!

  • k_itsmay says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. With such a huge audience, I think it’s really, really brave of you to be so raw and vulnerable knowing that not everyone is going to like it, knowing how comments affect you. It takes a lot of strength to do it anyway, and a lot of self-love to give yourself a chance to live your best life despite it all, like you said. Sorry to hear about all the crap you’ve been getting – it must be really hard. I really admire that you’re so sincere and reflective, as well as open-minded and caring because you want to do something good in this world, for both yourself and others.

    I haven’t been following your blog for a particularly long time, but I know I’m really grateful for the positivity you put out there (it’s made me change the way I think about my body and about food, so thank you !!), and how much you talk about self-care and self-love. And honestly, I’m really happy for you that you’ve been so focused on directing that towards yourself now and that it’s been producing positive results for you, and that you feel really great about it.

  • Katherine S says:

    Thanks for sharing. I definitely have a negative perception of my body. Unfortunately it began because my mom made me self conscious when I did start gaining weight in my 20s. I felt most comfortable with my weight when I was pregnant-i didn’t care that I was gaining weight because it was so cool and wonderful. My issue is I still label foods as God or bad and I know I need to stop doing that-its just hard. I’m currently in a w/o rut after having been so consistent for last 6 months so not feeling proud of myself right now. I want to get back into working out just need to refocus.

    • Haley says:

      Good luck! Know that there’s nothing wrong with wiring your brain to think healthy or not healthy. Just make a decision on what you’re eating and own it, whether it’s healthy or unhealthy. I wish you the best of luck on your journey back to focus and peace!

  • Rachel says:

    You should definitely write another book based on this experience and how you are overcoming it.and how it made you stronger and wiser..its called growth.

  • SJ says:

    Thank you for this post. I have been struggling with food. Craving and not being able to stick to any diet. I am always craving sweet and salty snacks. I can’t talk to my husband about it. He has always had very healthy eating habits and a naturally fast metabolism. I’m the opposite. I keep my snacking secret but I know he sees the weight gain too. Thank you for showing that even people I look to for help in getting healthy have trouble and need support and help and time to figure out how to heal themselves. Thank you for being honest and always sharing. I’m happy you are happy and can’t wait to reach my own success in getting healthy. You’ve shown me that it’s never too late to start getting healthy and doing it for myself.

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