Would you dump your partner if he or she gained weight?
Would you dump your partner if he or she gained weight?
A couple days ago on Facebook I posted that picture above from Askmen.com and it started a heated debate. You can read the comments here.
At first it was just people going back and forth saying that how you care for yourself actually shows through physically. Others said they didn’t care if their partner gained weight as long as the love was still there, they were good. But then 50 comments later we got some nasty language going on. Name calling. Cussing. People calling people fat. Things I had never seen before in the community. I didn’t even know about this until a fan commented on my last post and told me how disappointed she was with the thread’s outcome. I checked it out, read every single comment, and was appalled.
The interesting thing is that suddenly a bunch of guys were commenting on the post. The diversity in perspectives was valuable but not the offensive language. I’m not going to name names but if you read the thread its pretty obvious who didn’t belong there. I respect everyone’s opinion, but PLEASE be polite and courteous of other’s feelings! Do I really have to say that!?!? A lot of girls go to the fan page to stay motivated and reading things like “get your round fat body to the gym” is not helping anyone. It is our responsibility as a community to create a nurturing environment for each other to grow and get stronger.
Ugh!
Ok now onto my own opinion on this.
Would I dump my boyfriend if he gained too many pounds? No. I wouldn’t if it were just based on the weight. If it doesn’t affect his personality, our affection, and our love for each other then all is good. But! But here comes the more complicated answer.
If he gained “too many pounds” it probably WOULD affect his energy levels and eventually his personality. The survey doesn’t explain what “too many” means, but to me, it means enough to change a person. When a person changes, the dynamics between 2 people change. It’s at this point where you decide to leave or make things better.
For me, it is an easy answer. Stay and work through the pounds and regain the healthy, active partner you once had. The experience will bond you two even closer. Helping someone regain control of their life is a satisfying thing for both people involved. This happens everyday when I train my students. That’s why I’m so happy when I teach.
However, if my boyfriend did not want to take control of his own life, I have a problem with that. A huge problem. Whether its fitness, health, school, work, business, or love – I need someone who is driven and will follow through with their goals. The “too many pounds” may or may not be an indicator of laziness and carelessness. You can still have a skinny couch potato because they come in all sizes. For me the deal breaker is the drive. If you don’t have the fire within to make your own changes, there’s nothing I can do to help you. This is break up material.
48% of men said they’d leave a lady if she gained too much weight and 20% of women said they’d dump a man if he packed on the pounds. We don’t know the reasons behind the answers so share with me your opinion. What would you do if your partner gained too much weight?
Disclaimer: survey was taken on askmen.com, results may be skewed
32 thoughts on “Would you dump your partner if he or she gained weight?”
There are 32 comments posted by our users.
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I agree, it’s definitely the drive and motivation/personality which would lead to a breakup. If there was no motivation at all, and I couldn’t even do ANYTHING at all to help… then I would have to go to a therapy session if it’s REALLY getting that bad! To be honest if that was the case it would probably be something more serious than just weight gain… This is some serious stuff! great post!
Gaining a little weight won’t necessarily make me want to break up with my boyfriend. My greatest concern would be whether the weight gain would affect his personality and confidence.
But…….. if my partner gained toooo much weight, as in “obese/morbidly obese”, I would try to motivate him to work out and really watch his health. Since I’ve seen what obesity can do to a person in the hospital setting, I would not want to see my partner to go through such pain and have these health complications that were technically preventable. It would obviously lead to an emotional as well as financial strain in our relationship. I feel that I would be there to support him, but if in the end he decides not to change his unhealthy lifestyle, I would consider breaking up with him. It’s not all for superficial reasons per se. It’s more because I do want to be with someone that takes control of his life. With that said, I completely agree with your comment “For me the deal breaker is the drive. “
There are times when people don’t plan on gaining any weight, don’t want to gain weight, but it is unavoidable. I’ve known several people over the past few years that have had cancer, and they’ve gained 40 or 50 lbs due to steroids and medications. I don’t know how many posters think “that far ahead”. Something like cancer does not discriminate agains age, sex, religion, or whether one is thin or are already heavy. For those who have posted they would leave their significant other due to weight gain, it just seems like shallow statement. Really, if one is that worried about it, look at the family genetics and go up the family tree. Get a basic idea of what your future wife or husband is going to look like. However, know that sometimes life throws people a curve over which they have no control over. I don’t know. As I (and my friends) get older, there is definitely a shift in priorities and determining what is truly important in relationships. Weight may seem like a huge issue now, but in time these “weighty” issues may seem so pointless and insignificant. I do give posters credit for admitting weight issues though. It would be nice to communicate those feelings to the BF or GF before getting into a deep, serious commitment.
I think there’s a difference between weight gain due to medical conditions vs. laziness or overeating what have you. One needs to be handled with gentle support and love as they suffer through medications and treatments while the other could be handled with loving encouragement to help them btreak unhealthy addictions and get back in shape to live a healthy life.
I have actually been on one side of this personally, the one gaining the weight! When my boyfriend (of 3 year) and I started dating I was around a size 4-5. For many factors, including stress/anxiety, pressure, and a change in lifestyle, I ended up being a size 13 by the end of my senior year of highschool, about a year and a half into our relationship. I let the weight sit there for a while, and my self esteem began to drop dramatically. I consider myself extremely lucky, especially after seeing this statistic, because my boyfriend stuck by me. The past 8-12 months I have begun changing my lifestyle and working to lose the weight I gained. I’ve dropped from 164 at my heaviest, down to 135, my current weight. My boyfriend has done his best to encourage and support me, and we have even worked out together on occasion. You’re right when you say it can be a great, amazing, bonding experience. I recently hit a major goal, halving my jean size! We celebrated together and I really appreciate his admiration for me losing the weight, seeing as he’s never really struggled with it the same way. I hope men can see that, if you truly love someone, and they do want to make a change, that sticking by them can be the best thing you can ever do. 🙂
I feel like this is a great example of how a significant other should approach this dillema. When you get married you vow through the good times and bad and in sickness and health. I think even people who are seriously dating should consider these vows and how they would want to apply them long term.
Thanks heaps Cassey! 🙂 You are an inspiration, and so right about this! I totally agree 🙂
I agree with u, i’m 16 and i personally don’t care about the man’s look whether he is fat, ugly, short..etc. as long as he look clean, sophisticated and has a great personality! and i know that some girls are kinda the same as me
in the other side we all know that guys do really care about the look, specially body & that’s the reason why guys would prefer the hot body more than a pretty face as u recently said in one of ur facebook statues
anyhow i think it doesn’t mean that guys are shallow, that’s the males nature & that doesn’t also mean to give them an excuse to dumb their gf, if they really really love her they wouldn’t care about her weight unless it’s affecting her health & they would try to help her not dumb her
sorry about my broken English, i’m not native
As far as my boyfriend goes I don’t think he would ever really put on an excessive amount of weight just because of his body type and genetics. So that’s not a factor it’s all about how we are doing together as people (if you get what I mean?) And I also need to mention the fact that when I put on weight he was nothing but supportive. He still thought I was attractive but understood that I was not happy with myself and so he did his best to help me. He let me know that he loved me no matter what and still saw me as beautiful but did not sugar coat things and would mention it if my eating was totally out of whack. He took the best stance he could: he let me know that despite my own unhappiness with my appearance his view of me hadn’t changed but he did not ignore my feelings about myself. So I am very appreciative of him and love him so much.
But what I really wanted to mention was that I agree with the first commenter here. I read all the comments after hearing about people going crazy. And I have to say I saw people who I have never seen on the page. Not that that’s a bad thing to see new people but I have to wonder why I’ve never seen them before or again. They were obviously trolls only coming on to be negative. It actually was pretty upsetting to see that people would come in to our very positive community. I have never seen anything but positive energy in the Blogilates community and I find it completely shameful that people who apparently can’t find anything better to do with themselves felt the need to bring that kind of negativity into the community.
I would never dump my boyfriend if he gained weight. I don’t know how much “too much weight” is either, but then again, I’m positive he wouldn’t even gain too much weight in the first place because he’s in the military lol.
If someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend is packing on some pounds, I think it’s a great idea to work out together! It’s a very fun activity to do with the significant other and it’s very benefiting for each others future. Even if they both have to go slow at first, it’s better than doing nothing.
I don’t think one should be working out, while the other isn’t. Both of them should motivate each other to be healthier.. It doesn’t even have to be about working out, couples should motivate each other to do better in school, and to become better people.
I personally would not leave my partner regardless, but when asking him he said that if i gained a bit of weight 1-10lb it’d be fine, but any more and he’d probably leave because he’d find me physically less attractive. At first I was shocked, but I can understand, healthy relationships require some amount of physical attraction and sexual desire, if i gained 20lb I’d look a lot flabbier and probably have a lot less energy and stamina to engage in sexual activities, which would therefore put strain on our relationship, In the long run I understand why men would leave, but its still quite shocking to hear it from the horse’s mouth.
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Thanks for posting this, Cassey – really appreciate it. Thank you for all that you do!
Hi cassey,
I do agree w you. I m not any tantrum girl or supermodel or somethin’ who’l dump bf jus bcz he’s put on! Its ok if he’l put on a li’l. But yes that doesnt mean that i’l never try to get him into fitness, i’l keep motivatin’ him to stay healthy , to keep heart pumpin’ as it wud benefit him all through his life. Seeing him healthy will make me healthy obviously and that’s what i’l be seekin’ from him! I’l love him as always!! I m a one -man woman, ha ha!!
The nerve of some people..Really? So pathetic.
I agree completely with you though. If someone gained a few pounds that slightly changed their appearance that’s fine. If they gained many pounds though changing who they are that’s another thing. I’m the exact same way, “I need someone who is driven and will follow through with their goals.” Which thankfully my boy-friend is verry driven haha!
I’ve been happily married for over 25 years and have virtually the same figure I had in high school and college. It hasn’t been easy. Yes, some is genetic, but most of it has been a lot of hard work. Regular exercise and good, healthy eating. My husband has always yo-yo’d with his weight. Would I consider leaving him for gaining weight? Heck no. Have I tried, over the years and from time to time encouraged him to join me at the gym? Definitely. His job his hard, his commute is long, so it IS very hard for him. However, something finally hit home 18 mos ago, and he started going to the gym with me. Now we have true family nights where we ALL of us go to they gym, not just me and the kids. He has shed at least 80+ lbs by permanently altering his diet and regularly going to the gym. Do I love him any more by him being thinner? Don’t think I could love him any more or less because of his weight over the years. Yes, he looks really hot right now, but I’ve always thought he looked hot. He’s a good man whose attractiveness is not defined by his weight, although I sure am glad he has finally embraced the healthy lifestyle with no excuses. To put things in perspective, he was about 165 at 6’0″ when we got married. He probably weighed around 280 or 290 at his heaviest. Right now, he’s probably around 200, maybe a little less. Would he ditch me if I gained weight? No. Of course, he jokes that he already knew what I’d look like at 40, 50, and 60. He just looks at my mother and knew he’d be satisfied lol.
I found the FB comments interesting, but couldn’t tell the age of the commenters. Funny thing is, when I went to my 20th high school reunion, those thin, buff, studly high school guys? Well, some of them were downright pudgy and overweight. They had let themselves go. Ah…perhaps they have yet to experience karma. What goes around comes around.
Relationship-wise, yes, weight can have an effect on the relationship. When one is heavier and out of shape, they may not want to do things or as many things with their fit partner. My advice? Just go ahead and do them on your own. It doesn’t mean a heavy partner is loved less, but one still has to make themselves happy with things they enjoy and there are still lots of things to do together as a couple.
As much as I agree, in a way it can be offensive when you try to look your best and the person you’re with is a slob, and a lot of times that does feed into their personality too.
My husband said he’d still love me if I gained weight, as I would for him, but the thing is that neither one of us would gain a large amount weight anyway. A few pounds here and there, especially after my period I always bloat, but we wouldn’t just helplessly watch ourselves gain weight.
However, he’s become somewhat lazy. I don’t that he’ll complain about getting slightly out of shape (he still has a lean build) and then won’t even take my advice. He doesn’t have the energy to do things I like to do with me. Most of the things I like to do day to day are very active, and if your energy is low you just can’t do it.
But we both try to adjust to one another… I even stopped working out for a while but damn, shouldn’t have to do that.
I’m having the same problem with my boyfriend of three years. When we first started dating, I was the out of shape one and he was naturally thin and could eat total junk. Well, as we have progressed through our 20s, I have gotten my ass into gear, dropped a ton of weight and devote a decent amount of time and mental energy into taking care of myself. Unfortunately, BF never bothered to learn how to do any of this, and his metabolism is catching up with him and he’s gained probably 20 pounds. The weight gain isn’t the issue so much as the fact that he doesn’t seem to care to DO anything about it. It’s the laziness that drives me more insane than anything! What do I do?
Most of the guy commenters are trolls (checked out their Facebook, they have links to lewd/hooker stuff yuck!) I’d ban them as they are not contributing to the positive mood of the community. Keep things positive Cassey!