I feel like a failure. The end of my 90 day journey. - Blogilates

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I feel like a failure. The end of my 90 day journey.

90 day Journey

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April 19, 2022

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313 Comments

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By Cassey

My Instagram

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Ugh. I’m writing this post and tearing up becaus

Ugh. I’m writing this post and tearing up because I feel so much for my younger self.

Physical transformations are just one lens that you can judge me by, but there’s so much you don’t know about what’s going on underneath.

I look back at that 2015 picture and I can barely see the screen right now because of the tears puddling in my eyeballs. I was battling with my body, so confused why nothing was working anymore, while people online were literally making videos about how “fat” I was, comparing my body to other trainers, discrediting my workouts, and telling me I needed to lose weight if I cared about my career. I won’t even get into the death threats and the fact that I had to call the police and get a bodyguard because I thought I might actually get murdered. There’s too much there. I’m going to save it for a memoir one day.

2019 was when I started my first 90 day journey to find myself again. I’m not going to repeat my story here because many of you know it already, but regardless of all the negativity surrounding that journey, it was the best thing I EVER did for myself. Gaining my confidence back CHANGED EVERYTHING.

2022. Reclaiming my past, 10 years later. You know, as damaging as that 2012 bikini comp was, I would have never had the intense life experiences that made me into who I am today.

Every journey seems to come with its own set of naysayers (different ones each time) because I seem to always upset someone when I want to change. I’m still working on being stronger mentally, and not letting that stuff affect me, but I’m a human in progress.

Anyway, feeling so much gratitude right now. That’s all. Happy Monday.

♥️Cassey

I’m making a decision that doesn’t feel quite

I’m making a decision that doesn’t feel quite right, but, I think it’s the right thing to do.

When I started my 90 Day Journey to Muscle, my Why was to build muscle and get stronger.

So far, I’ve only done one of those two things. Built muscle? Yes. 9 lbs in 60 days. Gotten stronger? Physically yes, but mentally no.

Ignoring the comments is something I’ve tried to do for over a decade, and I just can’t. I’m a listener, a feeler, and I take things to heart. It’s who I am. I wish I could take a pill and harden my heart sometimes because the constant battering is so painful. I wish I could tell you I don’t just sometimes sit here and cry silently, but I do. The ones that hurt the most are to ones that attack my character and manipulate my intentions. Of course I know the truth, but unfortunately, I let the lies permeate my heart and infect my mind.

So, with less than 30 days left of my 90 day journey, I’ve decided to change my plans.

I’ve chosen to protect my ♥️ and not post my workout plan or meal plan for the remainder of this journey. I don’t need to feed the wolves. I need to nourish myself at this time.

From now til April 17th, I’ll be in major bikini prep mode. My clear heels just came and my custom bikini is arriving this week. Oh and guess what? I just decided to take posing lessons, cuz why not?

My purpose is to reclaim my past, so I’m choosing to go all out and make this fun - for me.

Last time I willfully put myself in out there to be judged. But this time, I am going to be the only judge that matters.

♥️Cassey

PS…

Onesie and bag from @popflex_active

Photo @_anitaaz, Makeup @makeupbyapollo, Hair @cindyprostylist

This morning I weighed myself. And in full transpa

This morning I weighed myself. And in full transparency, for the first time, in my entire life, the weight gain did not make me feel…

anything.

It didn’t make me feel bad.

It didn’t make me feel good.

I just saw the number, recorded it, and went on with my day.

But you know what numbers DO make me feel something!?

1. My mile time decreasing allowing me to run faster week over week!

2. My lifts getting heavier, my exercises getting easier and me seeing changes in my physique!

3. My elevation getting higher and higher, and my legs burning less as I climb to more intense heights!

Photo breakdown:

In the left pic, I was at the end of my first 90 day journey 2.5 years ago. My goal was to shed the excess physical and emotional weight I had gained through some really toxic experiences that had taken a toll on my body and my mind. Though most people saw it as a fitness or weight loss journey, that was only the vehicle. My destination was finding myself again.

The right pic was taken this morning. I’m more than halfway through my second 90 day journey (to muscle) and this time, the goal is to reclaim my past - to give myself a redo on the bikini competition of 10 years ago that destroyed my body and threw me into major body image dysmorphia. Once again, fitness is my vehicle. This time though, the destination is a second chance.

Please do not praise one body over the other because in both, I was, and am happy. My body changes as my goals change. I’m always evolving and don’t ever plan to live a stagnant life.

♥️Cassey

✨GYM BAG GIVEAWAY✨ (closed! Congrats @genassee

✨GYM BAG GIVEAWAY✨ (closed! Congrats @genasseeceline & @meechesnpeaches) Pick one and your friend gets one too!

How to enter:

1️⃣ Comment what color you want and tag 1 friend and ask what color they want!

2️⃣ Follow @popflex_active

3️⃣ Like this post!

That’s it! 1 comment = 1 entry. Open worldwide 🌎.

I’ll be randomly picking 1 commenter and their friend to EACH receive an Ella Duffle of their choosing! 👯‍♀️

Winners will be announced right here 1 week from today, March 5, 2022.

Your response to my design video was so passionate, and has lit up my creative fire the past few days. Thank you for always inspiring me. Good luck everyone!

♥️Cassey

Ps: The Ella also comes in black and you can get it now on popflexactive.com (bio)!

Umm. This was NOT supposed to happen… So, I wen

Umm. This was NOT supposed to happen…

So, I went upstairs all excited to put on my qi pao (traditional Chinese dress) for Lunar New Year expecting it to slip on the same way it did last year, and uhhh, the dress got stuck on my thighs for like 8 minutes. When I finally wiggled it up past my hips I thought the struggle would be over but then I couldn’t get the side zipper to go up. I tried and tried for 15 minutes nearly eating my skin several times until I came to the realization that I was trying to resist: I’m bigger.

😐

Yeah yeah yeah I know, okay? I know.

Yes, I said I set out to gain muscle. Yes, I said I wouldn’t focus on weight loss. And yes I’ve been very happy with my progress in the gym - getting stronger and faster every week. But…I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for the moment I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore.

There’s no denying the fact that me not being able to zip up my dress made me feel bad. When I stood there barely able to walk because the dress was strait-jacketing the life out of my thighs, I knew I had 2 choices:

1. Keep feeling bad
2. Do some quick internal work to get my mind out of that terrible thinking

Obviously, I chose the latter.

Why does bigger have to = bad?
Why does smaller have to = good?
Why am I allowing my dress size to dictate my self worth?

I’m not the same person I was one year ago. I do not have the same goals as I did one year ago. Why does my body have to look like it was one year ago? I changed. And that’s okay.

No actually, it’s not okay.

It’s excellent.

This #90DayJourney is testing me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. It’s teaching me to see progress in unconventional ways, especially as a female who’s grown up in a society where thinness was praised all around me. Growth is happening and that’s exactly what I set out to do.

Fortunately, that moment of shock and sadness was only a moment. Giving myself the time to feel what I feeling and then making the choice to free myself from that feeling is what helped me move past that moment. And it’s over now.

I’m excited to build muscle and see what my body can achieve in 90 days! Happy Lunar New Year and Happy Year of the Tiger 🐅!

♥️Cassey

At the end of 2021 I declared that I would make it

At the end of 2021 I declared that I would make it my duty to create the best fitting activewear for women. Period. Yes, that’s a big thing to say, especially for a small company, but if I don’t say it - it won’t happen.

Today the beginning of that implementation begins as @popflex_active reintroduces one of our best selling styles, The Supersculpt Legging in 3 lengths: 25 inch, 27 inch, and 29 inch to better fit our petite and tall girls, ranging from XS-3X! It’s not easy for smaller brands to do this because it’s really difficult to hit minimums in every style, color, fabric, length, size…but I made it my duty and I’m investing in my promise to you.

Today I’m proud to share with you BASICS II - a collection featuring our most loved styles in really easy to wear colors like black, white and my current fave: MOCHA 🤎! Everything’s made in your fave, ButterSoft Brushed - so it’s super soft to the touch but also the stretch and recovery is 👌so no leggings falling down during a run. And always squat proof obvi.

How tall are you? Do you have issues finding leggings that fit you perfectly? Let me know!

♥️Cassey

PS: Check out the new collection at popflexactive.com (bio link)

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