Dear Cassey: My boyfriend makes me feel insecure about how I look

Dear Cassey,
This is kind of complicated because this is about my boyfriend. We’ve been together for more than 7 years, and he’s a wonderful person. The only problem is that sometimes when I’m insecure with my body, he makes me feel MORE insecure.
He says things like “You need to workout,” “Don’t eat too much at night,” “I told you to eat healthier and you didn’t listen to me.”
I’ve never been in a long-term relationship before, so I don’t know if this kind of behavior is acceptable or not. Sometimes he says that I look fatter, or I get chubbier, or my stomach is bigger, but only when we’re alone. When we’re with other people, or he’s with other people and someone says I’m fat, he’ll defend me.
He’s confusing me, if you can’t tell. But yeah, he makes me uncomfortable and insecure but I know that he loves me. What should I do in this kind of situation?
Confused by Hurtful Comments

Dear Confused,

Okay. This might be hard to hear… but it is NEVER okay for ANYONE to call you fat. Especially someone who loves you. Pleeeeasseee talk to him about this ASAP. It’s hurtful and definitely not supportive.

It sounds like you’ve expressed to him that you’re insecure about your body, or maybe that you’d like to eat healthier or maybe lose weight. When he reminds you to workout or suggests things like not eating at night etc., that could definitely be his way of trying to help. But I think there is definitely a more positive way for him to say those things! Anything that makes you more insecure is only going to make your journey more difficult. The added stress isn’t necessary or helpful. Again, he might not realize that he’s hurting you. So like anything in a relationship – communicate, communicate, communicate!

But at the same time, hurtful comments are abusive and send the message that you’re not good enough. Even if it’s not his intention, it’s not something that you should “let go” or ignore.

Your partner should be cheering you on ALL the time. It’s good that he defends you in a public setting (but um…who is calling you fat anyways?! Not okay.), but I can definitely see where this is confusing you! Tell him. Then suggest some ways that he can support you from now on.

OR if you’re not ready to embark on any kind of fitness journey right now and you just need to work on your relationship with your body, TELL HIM. Because that is 10000% okay too. Tackling insecurity doesn’t always have to mean losing weight. A lot of times that process needs to start with learning how to love and embrace your body at any state. You’re not going to be able to do that if your partner is putting you down.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship therapist or anything like that, so I can’t give a ton of advice on where to go from here. But as your friend, please know that it’s not okay for him to say those things to you. Relationships are about support and acceptance. That should be your safe space where you feel the MOST secure. So have a conversation, and get help from a therapist if you need to (zero shame there). Hopefully, this gives you a little more clarity and confidence in what steps to take next!

Most importantly. Remember you are PERFECT as you are, and I’m here for you!

PS – If you have a burning question you want to ask me, I’m taking questions via text at 510-692-4556. Currently this only works for US and Canada. If you’re outside of those countries, you can leave a question below.

16 thoughts on “Dear Cassey: My boyfriend makes me feel insecure about how I look”

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  1. Mii says:

    Hi Cassey. I was so hurt when my boyfriend said my face looked old like a mom and aunt and then he said i’m cute and inserted a lot of love emojis so i don’t have to feel hurt. I faked my laugh but my heart was so hurt that I had to google how to handle this kind of thing. Now, I feel very insecure when he wants to make a video call with me. This made me feel unprepared to meet him because we were only in a long distance relationship so we never met. I wanted to talk to him that criticizing about someone’s physical appearance is not nice but I am ashamed to talk about it.

    1. Noor says:

      I hope we all have peace

  2. Susmita Majumder says:

    Dear cassey, I am a big big admirer of you. I’m 24 now and I have pcos for which I am having belly fat. I want to loose my belly fat if you please help me by telling which exercise to follow.
    Your admirer

  3. emily says:

    you cant spot reduce fat. its just not how it works. if you are looking to reduce fat in your lower abs, doing cardio and maintaining a calorie deficit will lead to losing weight in you entire body, which includes your abs. You can also do ab workouts to increase muscle, but remember that you are not going to lose belly fat in just your abs by doing some sit ups.

  4. Veru Suk says:

    Hi Cassey, what should I do when I cook or bake something and it is not good or tasty anymore. I like to do this stuff, but I am worried it is not going end up in good way. I wish, I could be awesome in baking. Did you felt this the same?

  5. Insecure says:

    Hey Cassey!
    I love your workouts and the energy you have is just amazing!
    I follow your monthly calender.. & it has made me stronger over the months..
    My concern is my lower body!
    It’s unusually bigger than my upper body(as it is also genetic), which makes me really insecure about my thighs , the booty…
    No matter how much I work out the hip circumference does not change.
    I am frustrated!
    Would u please recommend some exercises or any diet plans that would burn my thigh fat!

  6. Insecure says:

    Hey Casey!
    I love your workouts!… they make me feel stronger everyday…
    I follow your workout well
    I am really very concerned about my lower body.
    It’s way bigger than my upper body..
    (As it is genetic)
    I’ve been working a lot more on my thighs.. hips.. booty… but the circumference of the hip dies not change..
    And I feel really insecure about my thighs..
    The inner thighs.. the outer thighs.. everything…
    Please would you recommend what exercises or diet plans would work for me..
    & yeah.. I just turned 17

  7. I hope I meet someone that is considerate with their comments ☺️

  8. Fleur says:

    Dear Cassey,

    I have had Corona, but now my body feels weak like i lost all of my strength and energy.
    Before i loved working out, now i get depressed because it looks like i lost all my progress… workouts that were easy are almost impossible, which make me very sad during a workout and i just don’t want to start anymore so i wont feel disappointed again.
    Do you know how to overcome this?

    1. blogilates says:

      Hi Fleur!! Ahhh I am glad to hear you are doing okay, though! Be kind and patient with yourself. It’ll take time but stay consistent, listen to your body, and you’ll be back on it soon!

  9. mum26 says:

    Hello Casey,
    I have recently been hospitalised for what they thought was a heart issue but thankfully wasn’t. They found I have had a low white blood cell count consistently for quite a few months and low iron & B12. My cholesterol is just above normal range which is a concern too. The Dr wants me to lose weight which i would love to but for some reason can’t. I watch everything very closely as I was overweight through my childhood & teenage years. At 16 I was 100kg and lost 60kg with herbal life resulting in my periods stopping. At age of 18, I was taken to a Dr who prescribed the pill and within 3 weeks gained 30kg and I have struggled ever since with my weight. I married at 20 and have 6 beautiful children. I am now 42, currently weigh 70kg, do 16/8 intermittent fasting & exercise 5-7 times a week and can see no results. Then I was told by the Dr I was too fat & need to lose 10kg. This hurt because I really work hard with my diet & exercise. I am coeliac so I am on a gluten free diet too. Do you have any suggestions on what may help me to lose 10kg. Would love any suggestions. I enjoy your blogilate sessions too.

  10. Natasha says:

    This was a very well written reply (as they most often are anyway) from Cassey. I hope the original poster does find relief from this situation by seeking help, or their boyfriend cares enough to hear their concerns, something positive at any rate. What a hard topic to tackle!

  11. Samantha says:

    Girl, break up with him ASAP. So many people who leave a man end up healthier mentally, emotionally, and PHYSICALLY.

    1. Liz says:

      Yup. Exactly. Don’t let the door hit him where the good lord split him.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Dear Cassey,

    I have a question on how you deal with that time of the month and working out. I thoroughly enjoy following the workout calendars because those 40mins it’s just me time. However, when I’m on my period, everything hurts and I feel unmotivated. How do you deal with that?


    I’m in pain.

    1. Jasmine says:

      Hi, not sure if Cassey would agree with the my approach but just wanted to comment as someone who also suffers with painful periods/feeling unmotivated during that time. It’s hard because for some people they aren’t that affected and can carry on as normal but others it’s a much bigger issue.

      During that week I just don’t workout if I don’t feel like it. I tend to do some of the bedtime stretches on Cassey’s channel or there is a nice slow morning workout, wake up with me I think it’s called.
      For me fitness is about taking care of my body so sometimes that means pushing myself through a hard workout and feeling great about it and other times (like during my period) that means slowing down, resting, and listening to my body and giving it what it needs.

      Sorry for the long message – hope it helps.

      Look after yourself x