Ashamed of Gaining Weight

Hey POPsters,

Have you ever been in a situation where you walk into a family party and a female relative walks up to you and says, “Oh you look fat!” or “Looks like you gained some weight!” (If you are from an Asian family, I know you know what I mean.)

Like, what are you supposed to say? Is that a question you’re supposed to actually answer?

“Yeah, I did”?? And then uncomfortably mumble something to move the conversation past your physical appearance?

There’s 2 problems here.

1. To say that to someone, especially a girl, it’s hurtful and damaging to her self-esteem.

2. You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed for gaining weight. But we all do.

The reason why I bring this up is because after this past ABC ABS video, I started getting some comments asking the same very thing my Asian Auntie would say:

“Your legs look bigger. Did you gain weight?”

“Not to be mean but did you have too many YOLO Meals?”

“What happened to your inner thigh gap?”

“How could you let this happen?”

Does gaining weight discredit me as a fitness instructor? Am I a failure? Am I lazy? Do I have no self control? Does that change who I am? Why does it matter? Why all the labels?

To answer the elephant in the room and for everyone who wanted to hear me confirm it, yes guys, I did gain weight.

I’m not mad at the people who asked this question because hey, if you wanna know you wanna know. But who I am upset at is myself…not for gaining weight, but for feeling ASHAMED for gaining weight.

As you know, the past few months I did the big move from SF to LA, adjusted to my new place, traveled a ton, and started focusing on new projects, making it hard to stick to a set diet and workout schedule. In fact, I had to delay my bikini competition because of it all. You know, it will be 1 year since my first bikini competition on May 5th. I remember those 10 weeks of hard training and dieting. I remember the discipline and mental focus it took to workout for soooo many hours a day. To eat just chicken breast, broccoli, and egg whites every day. To be so exhausted that it was hard to even think straight. But I also remember stepping on stage in my cheetah bikini with those high heels and strutting my new, super tanned body, showing off the most defined muscles I ever had. It was exhilarating and not gonna lie, I love those pictures. I had never seen my body like that before. Dieting down and losing weight…it was hard. Really, really hard. But at the end, it was extremely satisfying to reach a place I didn’t think was possible.

cassey ho bikini npc

If you read my blog last year, there was a post after the competition where I wrote about being scared of gaining the weight back. I knew it wasn’t really possible to hold my body fat percentage down so low all year. It was inevitable. I didn’t know how I would deal with it. I didn’t want it to happen.

Each week, I started to nourish my body with the goods it had wanted for so long. I no longer had to be on a calorie deficit. So I ate. And it was soulfully satisfying. My mouth savored every bite of food bursting with FLAVOR! I of course noticed a difference in the tightness of my body but made a conscious decision to not be obsessed about calories. It took a while for me to break out of the “bikini model” mentality. To tell you the truth, after the competition, I was scared of fruit. Yeah, how crazy is that? I looked at an apple and worried what it would do to me.

For those of you who are shaking your heads now…yeah…it was a slight form of body image issues and eating issues. It took some time and talking to fellow fitness friends before I could eat normally and not feel guilty about it.

Looking back now, the way I was coached to lean down for my first bikini competition may not have been the best way. It was very extreme. I did not take crazy fat burning pills or anything – I never would – but I was deprived. I felt like the diet left me so lost and dry. I felt like I needed coaching to help me “get back to normal” safely. But I didn’t have that. Because shortly after the competition, I left my trainer.

The after effects of deprivation? Eating, eating, eating. And more eating. Feeling like you’re out of diet jail. Feeling like you better take in as much food as possible before it’s taken away from you again.

You know, being a fitness instructor – your body is a source of inspiration for others. It supposed to be chiseled. Hard. Toned and tight. And when it starts becoming the backwards of a before and after picture, you start feeling like your career and your credibility are on the line.

So I feared. I feared the weight gain. I feared the scale. I feared the day one of you would say I looked fat.

And well, I guess after the ABC ABS video, it finally happened. I knew it was coming though. Yes, I did gain weight because I’m a human being. I’m a girl whose life is a little more than just gym time and meal preps! I too, just like you, eat when I am stressed. I too, just like you, can’t find time to workout when my workload becomes overwhelming. I’m not perfect! But then again…who said maintaining a low body fat percentage made you perfect!? Weight fluctuates! THIS IS LIFE.

Sigh.

Part of me feels relieved that someone said it. But part of me feels upset. In all honesty guys (and you know that with my blog, I speak the truth and don’t hide behind some perfect fitness instructor curtains only revealing what I want you to see) I’m gonna be real and say I’m a little disappointed in myself for “letting go.” But at the same time, I don’t really regret the food I ate and the rest I took that got me to where I am today.

You know why? Because I listened to my body. It needed it. It needed to recover. It needed something it was missing and I let it have it. What’s important is making that mind-body connection and feeding not just your body but your soul too.

And you know what else? I can still lift heavy. In fact, heavier. I can still run far and long. In fact, faster. I can still do my videos and teach my classes while carrying on a conversation. Just because I gained weight, it didn’t mean I lost all my hard work. I’m still fit and healthy and progressing everyday. Isn’t that the ultimate goal?

So yeah, I have a thicker layer of fat on top of my abs. Cool. I’ll start eating super duper clean on a consistent basis and train harder for some weeks, and I will have my bikini body back. Seriously guys, it’s not a big deal! It’s all about resilience. If you feel like you’ve fallen off track, just get up. Just get up and start over NOW.

All I ask of you is that you not judge someone for their looks. I know, sounds so motherly of me to have to say that right? But seriously. What matters is how someone treats you, how they make you feel, and their honest and genuine intent.

I hope this post resonated with some of you. Don’t feel bad if your pants are tight again. Remember, it doesn’t change who you are. Just power on and embrace the ups and downs of life. It just makes the triumphs that much sweeter.

Take care guys and let me know in the comments if you’ve ever dealt with someone calling you fat.

<3 Cassey

 

Comments

  1. Cassey,
    Thank you for sharing your post. It was incredibly deep, sincere and a valuable message we can all learn from. Thanks for everything that you do. I’m a big fan of yours. You are so pretty, you’re mind is in the right place, your humble and inspirational. Thanks for everything that you do. You are truly original.

  2. I’m a former competitive gymnast, lifetime dancer, Zumba teacher on the side of my other career job and divorced mother of 3 young children under the age of 10 – I’m 46.

    I have injuries from my gymnast days and am finding that I just can’t always rally to do a “hard core” weight workout. Blogilates has been a fantastic source of workouts that are soooooo not easy but possible to do on even my toughest chronic pain days.

    Cassie – thank you SO much for sharing the inside out of all you do, feel, experience. This is precisely what makes you so real & easy to follow. You are not perfect, you will make mistakes, you will feel emotions & ponder over them… because you are, like us on the other side of your posts – a human. Keep doing what you do and inspiring us to contemplate what we each do so we can each find our personal best in that moment. I’m fairly certain that I need to bring Blogilates to Northern California and add that certification to the list. I’m sorry folks fire nasty shots at you, ya gotta just know there are wierd folks out there.

  3. Hi Cassey,

    This is avery old post but I just wanted to tell that I find it incredibly rude and surprising that someone would criticize you for being too fat! You are far from it and I would like to see the physique of the peope who are saying these things, I’m sure they are far from perfect.

    I’m quite new to pilates but I have been following your workout calendars for three months now. I was in a pretty good shape when I started doing these but I have noticed some very pleasant changes in my body. I just wanted to thank you for your hard work and the fact that you provide these workouts for us for free and also to tell you that your are a beautiful person and your positivity is inspiring!

  4. I’m too skinny and I’m currently trying to gain weight. But I know exactly what you mean. People have always told me things like “you should eat more”, “you are going to vanish/disappear”, eventhough I’m perfectly healthy and I eat well. It’s hard :( It makes me loose all my motivation :(

  5. Omg I want to cry because I have gained again like 35 pounds and I feel so sad and depressed I know how you feel and people are so mean a friend of mine told me once you should shout your mouth in order to not eat, other looks your legs are like a big part of a building is so sad people said those things and here I am again gaining weight so I have to work harder to shed those and be healthy and happy again is sad for me to see that my jeans doesnt fit me anymore but like you said is not a big deal I have to get up and work again thanks casey love your videos your so pretty and honestly I would love to have that amazing body of yours big hug from GUATEMALA

  6. MintChocoTofu says:

    I come from an Asian family too and sometimes, my relatives would say that they don’t even recognize me because of how fat I’ve become (they exaggerated, seriously :P) and my parents will say that I’m fat, and those scales just scare me the most. I like to think that someone put bricks in my hoodie before I stepped on but in fact, they didn’t. And scales always tell the truth. If anyone tells me that I look fat, I will shove this in their faces and say ‘eat your words’.

  7. Cassey you are such a rolemodel for me. I love your videos even though i can’t finish all of them. And I really have to say those people who made these comments are so superficially. I mean, propably no one does so much work than you. And we are all humans, everybody is the same. Everybody got good days and also bad. So why are we talking about each other in a bad way. We should support everyone.
    And I didn’t even see the change in your body.
    So girls, please be cofindent. Everybody is beautiful!

  8. You made my day Cassie. Thank you, for everything, really thanks for being awesome.

  9. What a beautiful article. Thank you for this. You know people always have something to say. My family is always commenting about my weight, which is funny because I’m smaller than all of them and I never say anything mean to them aboit their weight. I have gained a lot of weight now though, I went through depression and a lot of dark stuff which caused weight gain. But now that I’m bigger I have the confidence I’ve never had before, ever in my life and that confidence helps me work out and eat healthy. I’m not on a crazy diet, I just eat healthy foods when I’m hungry. You know, people called me fat even when I was at my lowest weight (50kg) and I believed them. Now, I just love myself and do what’s right for my body. Btw, you look great Cassey!

  10. Adilia Contreras says:

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Cassey!!

    I’m 25 years old and have been dealing with overweight since puberty. I hated myself from age 10 until I was 24, yes until last year. I was depressed and started using food, alcohol and partying to not feel. Then last year a friend came up to me and while talking about life in general and just being goofy he got me thinking about what I was doing to myself.

    The only person that’s gonna make a difference in my life is me, if I wanna be loved I have to love myself first. It took me a long long long time to get it, it was hard, I actually cried for a few days while fighting with myself, that part of me that kept saying “you’re not worth it” “no one is gonna love you” “have you seen yourself?” but I got thru them, eventually.

    While I was reading this post I saw myself in all those who asked you if you had gained weight and I loved your response. That has been my response for the past year and it works. So what if I gain weight again? I’ll work harder and I’ll be better. I’m listening to my body and working day by day to get to my goal. 135lb is my goal, 178lb is my current number but I’m working on it.

    I love your videos and your spirit, please keep them coming. I’m sure there are more like me that find support and strength in them. I’m a fan from Guatemala so if you’re ever in town, please let me know so I can be your tour guide.

    Thank you again,
    Adi

  11. Cassy,
    I don’t have the proper words to describe my gratitude towards you and your honesty. My life has been a little crazy lately and I started your workouts to try and get healthier and have more energy. I have something called polycystic ovarian syndrome (at least thats what we think it is) and it has been such a challenge for me. Im always in constant pain, but I want to live my life! I do the same, when I’m stressed I eat, but you have given me a chance to release all that bottled up emotional pain and exhaustion because I know you’re human and though you don’t know me personally. You understand what your handwork and motivation does for others, I can’t thank you enough for all you do for all of us out here. Don’t let people’s harsh opinions affect who you are. You can’t control what people say, but you do have that right to control how it affects you. That goes to all of us working hard out there! :) Love you Cassy!

  12. I know this is long after the fact, but I had to say something. I absolutely adore this post. I’ve always had a bit of a weight problem (which I’m starting to see was probably triggered by mild depression). Last year I was in a really happy place and began training for a 5k (never ran in one, and I’m as slow as molasses and my husband loves to make fun of how slow I am, but I at least enjoy running now and it makes me feel great about myself that I can run a few miles without stopping) and I started doing blogilates and other workouts. I also wasn’t able to work due to my school schedule so I had a ridiculously tight budget and discovered that a lot of the fast, processed foods I had gotten accustomed to eating in college were completely out of my budget. I ate a LOT of potatoes and discovered a few quick, easy, healthy, and inexpensive recipes (like the two ingredient pancakes I found here) that began to replace the junk I’d been eating before.
    Fast forward about 6 months to my wedding. I had unintentionally, but not without work, lost 25 lbs. Every time in my life when I had been on a new diet/exercise routine I’d stress myself out and completely derail. This time I was just focused on getting the nutrients I needed and on being happy. It amazed me how doing just this put me into a healthy BMI for the first time since I was about 16. And I felt great! I was healthier than I’d been in a while.
    About a month later we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited, but I was also terrified because I remember my mom getting huge all over during her pregnancies and not being able to lose weight very well after. Well, I got pretty bad morning sickness and lost my job and an additional 12 lbs. This put me weighing less than I did the entire time in high school. I remember being happy that I was at such a low weight, but then freaking out about how I couldn’t keep enough calories down to nourish myself, let alone our baby.
    The next little while was very difficult for me. On the one hand I loved the thinner face and arms and legs I had and I wanted to keep it all, and on the other I would look in the mirror and cry about the way I looked and how much I wanted this baby to be healthy. I was so scared to gain an ounce (I know I shouldn’t be, I mean I AM growing a person inside of me after all) and I couldn’t work out because my morning sickness had made me so weak. But with the help of my doctor and my husband I’ve been able to not only get over the morning sickness and part of the fear of gaining the baby weight I need to, but I’ve also started being able to workout again. And today I introduced my husband to blogilates (he’s a cross-country runner but he’s gained about 30lbs in sympathy weight in the 6 months that I’ve been prego) and he loves it!
    So, I know this is a long comment, but I just wanted to say thank you. I have never been anywhere near bikini competition shape, nor do I really want to. But working to get your body to feel and work a certain way and then being able to sit back as it healthily changes can be very challenging. You are an inspiration to me that if you are happy and healthy, you’re doing good things. Thank You!

  13. Katelyn says:

    Thanks for posting this, Cassey. Everyone trying to make a huge change in their image goes through this “weight gain guilt.” I know I have more than once. It’s paranoia, really.
    I have your back. Thanks for all your help and MOTIVATION.
    You are beautiful inside and out :)

  14. I constantly get asked if I am pregnant. I worke with a girl who was 6 months pregnant and a lady asked us if we were due around the same time….. talk about self worth going down the drain. The real kicker is that I am only 21 years old!!! The answer is a no!!! I know I am not that big I have a pouch like everyone although mines a bit bigger I still have one. It hurts the mot when my family asks me if I am and demand me to take a pregnancy test to prove I’m not. I have lost 25 pounds since moving and I am still losing the only times I have a problem with gaining weight is when my ovarian cysts burst and I cant workout. I do admit I get into a slump feel terrible about myself so of course I eat more and it makes me feel even worse. In all the insanity it is amazing to have a man who everyday tells me I am beautiful even if I have packed on a couple pounds but it just shows what Cassey has said is true the weight doesn’t determine who you are its definitely all about personality and who you surround yourself with!

  15. Cassey you are so REAL and I am so thankful that fitness instructors like you exist. You are an incredible role model for so many girls and you have brought us all together to embark on a healthier, fitter lifestyle. Your work-out videos got me through some of the most stressful weeks of my degree and now that I am officially post-university and unemployed I am carving out more time to spend with you and your wonderful pilates videos. They make me feel stronger, productive, elegant and powerful. Already I am noticing, not only a difference in my body but also in the way that I view my body. I am less angry with it, more accepting and blogposts like the one you have written here are so refreshing and remind me that the skinny FINAL PICTURE is not the ultimate goal. Thank you so much for all you do. Ellie x

  16. Yep I’m Asian and the relatives always say that. I think you look great, fit and healthy. :)

  17. Oh no! How can anyone call you fat? I like you MUCH better with some more weight and brighter skin than on your bikini pictures. You look fab! Still fit, but more like a woman. It’s good, if you sometimes work hard to show off the perfect side of yours, but the rest of the time please also love the wonderful woman-you <3

  18. Thank you Cassey. I think you are great the way you are. :)
    Send you lots of love :)
    Simona

  19. I can totally relate to this! I have a big family and my relatives come to my house almost every single day! Lately I’ve been getting so many questions from my aunts about my weight and how I look too meaty. I’m a typical Asian girl with petite figure so when I was young my family would say I should eat more in order to grow taller(I remember I tried to put on weight by eating all those junk food just because I couldn’t ride on the roller coaster in a funfair since I didn’t have enough weight,pretty crazy right). So here’s the thing,my family has this concept about being healthy,you should eat MORE to be healthy. So when I was a kid,they would ask me to finish a big bowl of rice and lots of meat and they would feed me supper(such as chinese fried noodles, white bread, instant noodles…etc). I didn’t care much about my food as I thought I was skinny enough and healthy enough so I didn’t need to pay any attention on what I ate. Life became really hectic with exams and all sorts of activities when I first entered high school, and that’s when I noticed the layer of fats accumulated around my waistline(my upper body is skinny but my lower body is super “meaty”). I was pretty upset and I would pinch those muffintops every time I stood in front of a mirror. But still all I did was sitting in front of study table and reading textbooks,I didn’t care to do any sports or work out. Then my aunts started to give comments like “hey you’ve gained some weights, you look good ’cause you’re meaty now”. I started to pay more attention on my diet and food intake,and slowly allowed myself adapt to a more active lifestyle. Then I found out about fitness and I started go gym and trained really hard and eating super clean(my family said I was having eating disorder cause I started to eat brown rice or multigrain instead of white rice). Within few months my body fat was so low that even my period stopped, but all I thought was hey I’m looking good now who cares about period! After 7 months, I started my college life. It was hard for me to adapt to a completely new environment. My parents asked me to go back to the old lifestyle cause i looked like a weirdo with all those “weird” eating habits and being picky, or else I would not be able to mix with other people and making friends. You know, when your dearest family doesn’t support whatever you’re doing to improve yourself,you feel terrible. I had low self esteem because of my parents. After 3 months in college, I finally went loose on my eating clean diet cause I tried to socialise and eat out with friends, and my body reacted so fast that after 2 weeks my period came back. It’s a good thing isn’t it, but then later on my clothes felt tighter,i couldn’t fit in my jeans anymore, and my weights were increasing like crazy. I felt really bad about myself and because of the stress from study as well,I was diagnosed as having depression. Normally people do lose weights when they are sick but I didn’t, instead, I gained lots of weights. Now that I’m fully recovered, I’ve been trying to go back to my healthy lifestyle again but it’s so hard. My aunts keep telling me I look fat and my thighs and butt are so big, I feel hurtful after hearing all these critics. Even if when I’m working out they would tell me how fat I look and it’s so disgusting to workout cause it makes you sweat! How ridiculous is that? Imagine, when you’re enjoying your own food, all of a sudden somebody tells you to stop eating cause you look really fat already,how would you feel?

    Honestly, I feel so down. After 3 weeks of hard work, nothing changes, I really feel like giving up :(

    • Jeanelle says:

      Don’t give up! My relatives are all saying I am gaining weight and when I work out they as why if I just eat again. They don’t understand that I need to fuel my body after a workout. Your relatives just don’t understand and you shouldn’t let that hinder your progress and return into a healthy lifestyle. They may be making all these comments now but in a few weeks, when all your hardwork visibly pays off, they will understand and at that point, you will have overcome negative comments that almost prevented you from a healthy lifestyle you once enjoyed.

  20. Why in the world would anyone point out your weight gain since the bikini competition when there is a very limited amount of people who have the determination to train for one. All I know is I love fitness and healthy food but I couldn’t be that controlled or strict and I’m sure the majority of those people who commented couldn’t either. While your hard work and dedication was definitely visible and amazing, I actually think you look better now; more realistic and easier to relate to. I now know you have struggles and off days as well and it makes me appreciate you even more! Don’t be ashamed if you’ve gained a bit of weight, because you look fabulous and those rude people probably couldn’t train the way you did even for one day.

  21. Samantha says:

    I am a mother of three children under the age of four. I have had my ups and downs emotionally about my weight. I try to remind myself that I needed to gain weight to grow my babies. However I gained a significant amount with in three pregnancies and really didn’t give my body a chance to recover in between. My mother tries to tell about new diet pills and so on, she’s really nice about it but somehow that makes it feel worse to me. I hate it when people pity me. I wouldn’t trade any of my kids for the body I had before(even though I very much miss it). My grandmother on the other hand is very rude and mean about it saying” wow Samantha! What happened to you?! You used to be so pretty!” Even people at grocery stores have made comments to me directly about my weight. Although my weight is high and I am “obese” by the standards, I don’t feel that I’m at the point people are making it. I am 27 years old, with three children between 4 yrs old and 4 months old. I’m 5’7″ and 215 lbs. I get treated on a daily basis like i literally weigh a ton. So it took a long time to accept myself. Although I hate to hear that someone else has felt this way, it is comforting to know that I’m not alone in these feels of shame and embarassment. I’m gradually getting back into a more intense exercise regiment and really appreciate all the help Cassey gives!

  22. OMG.I’m Pakistani.Exact same thing with the aunties.Made me laugh

  23. This is exactly what I needed at this exact moment. Funny how what you need tends to show up at the right time.

    Thank you.

  24. Hey casse! You posted this way long ago so i dont even know if you’ll se it, but you’re slight weight gain was almost reassuring. Some fittness instrictors are way to skinny/muscular and its very overwhelming! But youre so down to earth, and youre like a real human being about fittness. You recognized that we all fluctuate on our path but as long as we keep striving to be the best we can be, who cares! You are my inspiration who makes fittness FUN and gets me off the couch everyday! Im on week 2 of the beginner caledar and i feel more energized and healthy already!

    Thank you for all your hard work and dedication, it means so much to alot of people,
    -Aria <3

  25. I used to be really really skinny growing up, but when puberty hit I started eating and eating and gaining weight. At first I was glad to see the curves on my body because I grew up to be that tiny skinny girl. My (asian) family even gave me a nickname: skinny girl. And when they started to notice I was looking a bit rounder, they’d compliment me! It kinda made me feel good. So I kept eating. I got to the point that I felt confident in bikini and people telling me I have a great figure. A couple years later my oh so asian mother (and sisters) would tell me I was gaining too much weight. At first I didn’t mind, but now, it has come to the point that I’m fat. Like really fat. I don’t fit in my jeans, I can’t wear tight shirts (or anything else) and I feel so concious about my body. Now it’s been three years since I wore a bikini. And this summer is just around the corner… I really want to enjoy the summer, but I can’t even wear shorts! That’s why I started losing weight, but I’m struggling with the diet part. I just love food too much!
    This is why I wanted to start posting pictures and stuff on the blogilates app, but I’m to embarrassed. I keep telling myself I can do this without letting people know and letting them support me. But really, I want completely strangers to support me and follow my fitness journey. Maybe one day…

  26. Wow people are judgmental, when I saw that video I didn’t notice a weight gain I noticed that sneeze at 50seconds in XD lool Casey is the best if if you can’t handle her fabulousness than you are not needed here ! Hmph

  27. Oh Cassey, I’m so glad to read this. I’m really encouraged by your honesty and the reality behind achieving a great looking body. Very little people would share with us their pain and sweat to have a lean and healthy looking body, but you helped me to have a more realistic mindset and realistic expectations of what it takes to change my diet and lifestyle into a healthier one. And yes, I totally agree that it’s not worth depriving ourselves and being too harsh on ourselves when it comes to food. We gotta take control of our diets, not the other way around.

    Thank you again Cassey for your constant encouragement and SUper fun personality :)

    CK

  28. This is amazing. You are amazing. It is so true that you shouldn’t judge someone for how they look like. I just hate the fact that you have to explain your weight gain (how ridiculous is that!?). I know this is a really late response…I feel that you really are amazing. Not alot of people can endure the pain and go through the whole workout. Seriously, people just judge too much. It’s all about appearance in this world. I mean someone who is overweight could be perfectly healthy and happy too! Just cause you have a fit body doesn’t mean you’re ‘healthy’ doesn’t mean you eat well and doesn’t mean you’re happy!
    KEEP FIGHTING!! And as for the Asian aunts…they’ll always find something to say!

  29. Rebekah says:

    Nody image is in the brain, not in your body fat.
    so i got the thigh gap and the abs and a bmi below 17 – and i still feel ugly.

  30. I’ve felt like this for so long, it was overwhelming! I almost went anorexic because all my friends lost
    wieght without trying, and I had to work my butt off to be pretty, in my mind.
    You’ve really helped me feel more beautiful than I have in my life, and you are beautiful. Cassie and
    all the people reading this comment right now. Don’t let anyone tell you different!

    Laura

    ;)

  31. DianaNguyen says:

    I feel like crying right now after reading your post, Cassey. It’s truly hard to maintain a skinny body while trying to work on my self esteem. I remember working my butt off last summer, trying to be thin while fit as possible. I successfully lost over 15lbs and was at 110. But right now, I am close to 120 lbs because of the muscle gain AND the days I’ve let myself loose. I’m 5″1, and 18 years old, suffering to try to love herself for who she is, despite the weight gain. I keep thinking I have gotten fatter because of the weight gain, even though I have gained new muscles on my butt and thighs. Your post has truly inspired me to get back up and start motivating myself again. Even though I’m asian and can never have those skinny asian body, I know I will look even better with a nice, fit tone body with a booty. Thank you Cassey! You’ve definitely have helped lift my mood and determination once more!

  32. I can relate with this blog post so incredibly much. About 4 years ago I was tiny…probably too small for my height, but I thought I looked phenomenal. I am 5’7 and I was about 115 lbs. I was wearing a size 0 with size 2 often being extremely baggy. I obtained this weight from unhealthy measures. I worked out constantly and was only eating about 1,000 calories a day, sometimes less. I thought that I could maintain this weight forever and be happy. Well, eventually life happened and slowly those size 0 jeans were getting snug. Then the size 2’s followed along and also were getting tight. A significant back injury prevented me from working out, which was just making matters worse in my mind. I could not stop focusing on the gain.
    Eventually, people were approaching me and saying straight up “Wow..you’ve started filling out. I think you look so much better with some meat on you.” Im sure this was intended to be a compliment, but it didn’t feel like one. It caused panic that people were beginning to notice. I also heard comments like “you have yourself a butt finally.” Again, compliment I am sure in their minds, but mind blowing reality in mine.

    So, today I am just trying to be healthy. I eat right, I do cardio and blogilates, and I allow myself an indulge here and there. My 5’7 body is up from 115 lbs to 130-133 lbs. I have also had discussions with friends who are obsessed with looking super model skinny, as well as having to cut out one friend who was super competitive with me in the quest to look good. With time I have realized the connection between mind and body and how they completely connect with each other. Replacing some terms for myself like healthy instead of skinny has been beneficial because no longer is the focus on being super skinny, just being the healthiest version of myself.

  33. a perfect post Cassey, a perfect way to answer to people curiosity and in the same time express your opinion on such an important matter like “skinny obsession”
    I found your blog a month ago, searching for pilates tutorials on youtube: now I’m finishing the beginners calendar and I’ll continue to follow you.
    I want to stay in shape (I’m 40 this year!) but I know I’ll never have again the body I had when I was 20 even if my weight is the same (I’m 174 cm x 60 kg).
    Whatever, I feel great!
    thank you sooo much

  34. Dear Cassey…
    I had the same problem as you…I wanted perfect slim body with no fat.. I ate so little…I had hunger, I went to bed early, so I did not starve because my last food was at four o’clock…I had no energy..
    Than I said stop to myself…it wasn’t healthy..it wasn’t happy.. And I never had the perfect silhouette from my fantasy. Even when my ribs had sticking out I had my big butt (Now I know it’s not to big actually..).
    I just stopped with that crazy routine..I stopped care about what everybody think and say about my butt.
    I started from the beginning. I decided that I want to be fit and HAPPY!..
    But after that diet, when I started to eat normally..my weight started to gain..I was so upset. I didn’t want to fall to crazy diets again..so I ate healthy. Now.. two ears after that diet season..I’m actually HAPPY! I have my healthy, fitness body. I’m strong, I’m fast, I’m beautiful! I love my ”large” butt… It’s part of my body..part of the instrument that i need for my sports (I ride a freeride bike).
    That’s my story (Sorry for grammatical mistakes..I just learn eng :) )
    Love you Cassey, you inspire me every day! Stay strong!

  35. I’m going through a tough time right now- I have been in bikini competition shape and leanness year round for about a year and a half after having anorexia and dropping weight- I gained weight and muscle and got into amazing shape (where I am now) but I am not having my period though every other vital has returned. My estrogen levels are low and so my doctors told me I have to gain weight. Because I had anorexia at 14 and am now 16 I have never been above 106 lbs (5’1) and average 103-105. My doctor wants me at 110 to be able to menstruate. I know I need to think about health first, but I am scared because being so cut has become a huge part of my identity personally and at school. That line “wrongend of a before and after” really resonated with me.. I’m so nervous guys! I want to make sure that I keep my muscle and tone even though I have to gain weight. Tips, advice? Love you guys :)

    • Raisa Miruna says:

      If you start eating gradually healthy food but in a larger quantity and you keep training, that food will help you build up muscles; and those muscles will be the new gained weight, not fat. They weigh more anyway. Enough healthy food and training build muscles. Not enough food intake consumes your muscles and your energy to train. If you’re afraid that if you eat more, it will translate into fat, you could take a test at a gym which tells you your body fat percent. My guess is that you probably need to eat a somewhat larger quantity of food, you lack nutrients.

  36. Patricia says:

    I noticed how in control you were your movements.
    People who regularly compete don’t stay that lean at all times, since it’s not manageable.
    Thanks for the beginner’s calendar! I’m falling in love with Blogilates!

  37. Kassy Nubla says:

    You are perfect Cassey! I swear. People should be more concerned on looking fit and healthy instead of looking skinny and depriving themselves of food. I want to have abs but I dont wanna starve myself for it. It all boils down to determination and hard-work :)

  38. Danielle says:

    About a year ago my old/ex best friend looked at me and said “you gained weight” yes i did i was stressed with my boyfriend and had turned to food as comfort. But she was the one that was addicted to mcdonalds or anything she could get her hands on. I felt bad for her to not control her binges and cravings. I was hurt and felt betrayed. ~fast forward til this month~ I decided why not give it another shot at our friendship. We went to the gym together and catch up. Turns out she was jealous, wishing she had what i had and more. And yet she made another remark i cant quite remember but affected me in just the same way. Only because she was trying to put me down about my accomplishments to make her feel better. She went to mcdonalds right after. :(

  39. Every time I have a conversation with my grandmother she always finds a way to call me “HEAVY”
    1.) I do have a high fat percentage, I also have a lot of muscle mass. She has neither.
    2.) I am 5’11”. She is 5’5”.
    3.) She has an anorexic mentality. She eats, but not enough. and she doesn’t eat foods crucial to her health. I do eat those foods. Just sometimes I binge. I do want to take off the metaphorical fat suit that is just actual fat. I want her to gain weight and be healthy.

    I have accepted that I will never have the body she wants me to have seeing as i really should make sure I don’t go close to 130 becuase i am freakishly tall.

    I would also like to point out that in the fifties and lower, a woman was supposed to be freakishly thin and small, and those from that era have that mind frame. So I say…don’t have that mind frame and be who you are supposed to be.

  40. Keep your head up love you cassey! !!!! From Canada

  41. It’s not all about having “THAT body”, anyway, you look better now. I don’t understand how people want other people to starve and not enjoy food. Food is there to enjoy! You can eat clean and it can taste good, but never go onto an extreme like only eating so little your body is starving, you’re feeling weak and tired. That is the opposite of healthy and happy!

  42. I truly appreciate this post! I’m newer to the blogilates scene, and this post just sits with me.
    Last summer, I was at my lowest weight(which I realize does not equal healthiest) due to some health issues I’d been struggling with. Of course, everyone had negative comments about how tiny I was, but I was working out, running, lifting weights…and despite being small, I felt strong.
    Now, I”m back in nursing school, which = a ton a stress! And I’ve put weight back on. About 20 pounds worth!! I eat clean, the majority of the time, but when night-time boredom and munchies hit, I go haywire. I know I need to get myself back under control, buts its harder than it sounds, isn’t it?! People thankfully haven’t been commenting that I’m fat by any means, but the comments on “oh, you’ve gained weight, looking good” …they don’t FEEL so good either!! Yes, I know I’ve gained weight, and yes I know I needed it..but the spare tire I now have around my middle, I don’t need!

    Anyways, this post got off topic, my main point is…that I appreciate your honesty. And I appreciate knowing that all those “super star fitness model experts” out there, have bad days too! Heck, maybe they even have bad months or years!! They’re human too! So often, we’re shown that they never fall off the wagon, when the truth is…if you don’t fall off the wagon, you’re super human or something!!
    So thank you for your honesty!!

  43. Cassey,

    Wow. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. I guess it’s because you are such an inspiration to me and I love you so much! It may not mean much, but honestly, I read your blog every day and it’s not your “hot bod” or whatever that keep me coming back. It’s your personality. I hated working out until I found your videos. I feel like I’m hanging out with a friend when I watch your videos and then all the sudden, 20 minutes have passed, and I’ve done an amazing workout. I suffered from an eating disorder in high school, and now in college, I have gained some weight and am not accepting very well. The past couple of months have been really hard for me, but I take REFUGE in your videos, support, guidance, and positive spirit. I totally understand where you are coming from and feel for you and wanted to reach out and say that 1) I literally can’t even telly you gained weight you still look AMAZING and have my dream body 2) I consider you to be my teacher, my instructor, my guru… but mainly, MY FRIEND. The support you give, even though we’ve never met, is unreal and you provide us Popsters with so much love. Know it’s a two way street. We’ve got your back and have mad love for ya! Xoxo, Talia

  44. Hi Cassey,

    So many people wrote you here and I know my words are just a little drop on the ocean of support and love, but I still want to add it to make this ocean even bigger.
    I came to the US 7.5 years ago being 125 lbs 5.6″ girl and having that weight as my normal healthy weight, so I didnt worry. I came to the country of a completely different food quality and I also lived alone for the first time in 21 years and hardly knew how to cook. so not surprisingly in only 6 month I was 25 pounds up. One day I couldnt pull my jeans more than mid-thigh and I thought oh, I think I did gain some weight, so I got a scale and saw 150 lbs. It did bother me, but like a lot of college and working kids, I just didnt really have time to take care of the problem, plus a lot of kids around me were not in their best shape and didnt seem to worry. but in the back of my head I always though how I would lose weight and look like that actress or that singer. And I kept buying clothes that were size smaller for the day when I fit in them, I knew I will.
    and only 3 years later, during my graduation semester in college, I just stopped eating more than 1000 calories a day just because I realized I cant eat when Im stressed. I ate only tuna salad sandwiches and hummus. in 6 months I lost those 25 pounds. and thats when my transformation began. I was scared to go back to being bigger, so I tried to watch what I eat, I started weighting myself every day and I would not eat almost anything if I saw I gained a pound. I tried working out but I hated it. I went down to 117 pounds which was my teenage years weight and was so scared to go over 120 as if my entire life depended on it. But I still hated working out, I counted calories like crazy and weighted myself twice a day, freaking out how I would be 3 pounds heavier at night. so I became afraid of food that weights a lot and almost stopped eating fruits. And then restaurant week hit the city and I gained 8 pounds in 6 weeks. it was the biggest freakout, I felt ugly even though I was only 125 lbs. so I juiced and worked out every day for a week and realized that working out is not that bad because my muscles looked toned. so I started working out 2-3 times a week and still watching my calories.
    I kept my weigh around 116-119 lbs for year and a half but mostly because I didnt eat much. my wakeup call happened when I went to Europe to visit my family and had no choice but to eat food my grandma cooked for me. I didnt eat a lot, but I knew that I was eating much more calories. and how surprised was I when I came back to the US to… losing 2 pounds! I did not work out for entire 2 weeks, did not move around much and I lost weight! Thats when I realized that its about quality of he food. My grandma used only natural ingredients and made food with love. I thought that if I dont learn what to eat and dont work out, it will be hard for me to ever get in the shape I always wanted to be. So I started working out minimum of 5 times a week, eating more but healthier, learned about nutrition and what my body needs to have energy. I gained 3 pounds in couple weeks knowing its water weight that my muscles need to heal after the workouts plus always having food in my system since I stopped starving myself. I started to see my body change and muscles define. For the last month I worked out every single day because my body is screaming for it and loves it, and I ate huge salads with meat or fish and tons and tons of fruits. I did not lose any weight but I know that Im gaining muscle and my scale cant trick me anymore.
    I started doing your videos 2 month ago and I just adore your personality! That video that you mentioned as the one where people pointed out your weight, I was sure it was just your time of the month because seeing how you have no problem working out and talking while Im screaming in pain trying to follow never made me question your amazing fitness level.
    And i LOVE your supercharge smoothie, I cant get enough of it! and the first time I made them, my boyfriend ate both his and mine portions of the banana pancakes!
    So whoever make comments like that are just unhappy people who need to criticize to make themselves feel better because they just made someone feel bad too. Please dont ever worry about such things. You are already so much ahead of them in fitness and you can only get better and better.
    I am sorry I wrote so much but I think I never talked about this to anyone and your post made me feel sad that anyone would even say things like that to you.Thank you for helping me to become a healthier fitter happier me!

Trackbacks

  1. […] and I think they are fantastic! In her blog and some of her videos she confirms many times that our weight fluctuates all the time and I think as a fitness professional, she should be heeded. She says the best way to […]

  2. […] 1. Ashamed of Gaining Weight (1263 comments) – a post about how I gained weight back after my bikini competition and how people were telling me I looked fat. […]

  3. […] I have gained weights, and at first it seems like an incredible failure. I felt fat, ugly, lazy and most of all, I felt judged. However, this morning I am feeling a little bit better. Cassies post has been incredibly helpful (http://www.blogilates.com/best-of/ashamed-of-gaining-weight). […]

  4. […] Ashamed of Gaining Weight – Everyone please read this post. […]

  5. […] posting her daily workouts without pause. Instead she chose to address those readers in her post, Ashamed of Gaining Weight, by speaking openly about how they made her feel. She didn’t point fingers or lash out, but […]

Speak Your Mind

*