Feeling Fat and Failing

I originally was going to post this last Wednesday but opted not to because after reading, I felt like such a whiny loser! But as I was going through some of my comments on facebook, I saw that a few of my fans were feeling alone and discouraged in their weight loss journey. Well guys, believe me when I say YOU ARE NOT alone. Even a fitness “guru” can fall. And choose to not get back up.

Now, for those of you that are regular readers of Blogilates, this is not a normal post. It is not inspirational or motivational. But it’s real. And it’s feelings. And I want to share with you what was going through my head last week when I CHOSE NOT TO WORKOUT because I hated how I felt and how I looked.

You’re probably thinking, what? Cassey had a negative thought and let it get to her head? Yes. I let it get to my head. My willpower was completely gone.

THE BACKSTORY:

Before I left for my 2 big trips in May (China and Hawaii), I had gone through a SUPER INTENSE 8 Week experiment with one of my trainer friends. We ate and worked out like “beasts” to build muscle and lean out. I strength trained and did cardio 6 days a week and followed a very strict meal plan that required me to even fast one of the days! (I don’t suggest doing that at all. I made him change the meal plan for me because I had no energy.) At the end of the 8 weeks, I was amazed at how my body looked. I lost 8 lbs and went from 24% body fat to 17.5% body fat. I could see lines and definition that I had only seen in magazines. Although I have always been generally satisfied with my figure, that first week of May was the first time IN MY LIFE that I had ever looked at myself in the mirror wearing a bikini, and loved it. It is one of the best feelings in the world. Accomplishment. Confidence. Strength. All wrapped up in a pretty gray and lime 2-piece.

Anyway, when I got back from my trips, I knew I had I gained weight. As I was traveling, I was constantly irritated inside – not being able to cook for myself, having to eat and socialize the way others wanted, and actually being able to see the fat around my belly bulge out farther and farther everyday was horrific. Staying on track with your diet (or even just eating healthily) when traveling with others with different eating habits is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience. It was like a self-imposed diet suicide.

Now I know you’re going to say, “Well Cassey you were on vacation, it’s ok.” Yes, I understand it is ok to indulge every once in a while. But too bad I didn’t even let myself enjoy the indulgence because I was so worried about “ruining” my body every second I was eating. You’re probably thinking, “But you consciously made those decisions to eat what you did. So you need to own up to it.” Yes, you’re right. I did make those decisions and I was 100% aware of what I was doing to my hard work. But you can’t enjoy yourself when those decisions were compromised decisions in which a bunch of social factors were involved.

Okay…I am totally going off an a tangent here, I need to get back to my point. My POINT IS that I gained weight after the trips as a result of bad eating and was feeling like the lowest low life on earth for letting myself sabotage my bikini body.

Why do I care so much about having a bikini body you ask? Because friends, throughout my life, my body has been the one thing I feel like I have had the least control over. Yup, I was a chubby kid. Thinned out in high school. Then gained weight in college. Then lost weight after graduation. Then gained it back when I got my first job. I always knew how to get good grades, how to run businesses, how to talk to all sorts of people…but I could never figure out how to control my own weight as strong as I was. Having a bikini body was more than just a vain physical goal. To me, it meant being able to get a hold of myself at the most humanly basic level.

TRYING TO GET BACK TO WHERE I LEFT OFF:

Initially, I was very motivated to get back to the gym and eat my steamed veggies again. I thought it would take just a week of hard work to get back on track. But after 1 week of doing everything right and not seeing any progress, I thought to myself, Cassey you really screwed it up this time. That was last Wednesday.

Last Wednesday, I was at an ALL TIME LOW. All I could do was stare of myself in the mirror, pinch my fat, and cry about how fat I had gotten. Could 8 weeks of hard work really be ruined in 2 I kept asking myself? Apparently. It wasn’t just a scale thing, clothes were tighter, I was puffing, and my energy was low. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I tried to get myself to workout that morning. Couldn’t do it, so I said, ok maybe before I teach Pilates. Didn’t make it in time. Taught class wearing one of my looser fitting “fat day” shirts and when class finished I was like ok, I’m here now, let’s do this. But for some reason I was fighting so hard and finding every excuse to NOT get moving. It was one of the weirdest feelings ever.

I can’t tell you why I did this, but I fought with myself in my head for a good 2 minutes in front of the cardio machines, then grabbed my keys and drove home.

I let my feelings take over. I felt like a big loser for not sucking it up and even doing a light weight lifting session. Anything! Instead I opted to just give up all together. I was so sad that when I came home, ate a lot, and went to bed in tears.

THEN WHAT?

I jumped right back the next day. It ended up taking me an additional 1 week to get back to my pre-vacay body. But today I am writing this post and am feeling good.

CONCLUSION:

It is okay to give up, feel bad for yourself, and eat away your tears. Just take a shower, go to bed, and start over tomorrow. The most important thing here is RESILIENCE. I guess I just needed a break last Wednesday as my mind was exhausted from trying to reach a certain weight within a set amount of time.

If you have been working out and eating clean and not seeing results, make sure you have given it at least a good 3-6 weeks before you judge. If you can’t find the willpower to keep going, that means what you’re doing may not be working for you. You need to enjoy working out and enjoy what you’re eating because it has to be your lifestyle. Change it up.

Losing fat and gaining muscle is a slow process. You’ve got to allow yourself to understand that and it will make the whole journey a lot less discouraging. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that dieting is HARD. No one said it was going to be easy. But I am here with workouts that are fun and the POP pilates community is here to support you through it with their own experiences. (OMG this sounds like an Aladdin Bail Bonds commercial.)

That’s all. This post was too long. I explained way too much. Oh well, I hope some of you read through this and got something out of it.

So…yes I feel fat sometimes too and yes it is okay to fail.

<3 you guys. Stay strong!

Cassey

Comments

  1. Cassey you are one of the kindest, strongest, most honest youtube guru I know. All your posts about loving your body/not shaming yourself when you feel too tired to work out etc. inspire me, because you don’t talk to us as a perfect fitness instructor, but as a human being. I can see that you can get sad/insecure/tired sometimes, like all of us, and I love you more because of it. <3 Thank you so much for being here. I have to be honest and say I have never been good at exercising, but I will try again. :D

  2. I guess it’s just human nature to give in sometimes, I do it too xx

  3. Hi Cassey,

    Thank you so very much for this post. I have been feeling the exact same way for the past 2 weeks and i just can’t find my way back into the workouts and diet. This post is exactly what i need because I’ve always thought that fitness gurus are just perfect and never have bad moments but truth is, we are all human. You have inspired me to get back on track TODAY, not tomorrow.
    Thanks again Cassey

  4. Cassey,
    Thank you so much for posting this.
    Watching you in your videos with your endless enthusiasm and energy – you seem unstoppable, you seem indestructable. You never once go “Let’s do 20″ but then get to 10 and say “Screw it that’s hard let’s stop.” Which for me on the other side, struggling to pump out 5 reps is often more intimidating than inspiring. It feels like an impossible task for me to ever be as fit as you. Reading this post honestly inspires me more than your usual infallible image, because it reminds me that what I’m trying to do here is hard for everyone, even those who’ve been in this game a long time.
    Thanks for being real Cassey.
    Thanks for not being afraid to show us that you’re real.
    You are incredible, Cassey.
    Amanda

  5. Wow this is exactly what I needed to hear. I am pretty much going through the same struggles you did weight-wise (from high school to college). Thank you so much for being such an inspirational and motivational speaker! Your genuine confessions are always refreshing and encouraging. I love your blog and youtube workouts! I feel better already!

  6. Hi Cassey! Sorry if my english is not perfect, it’s because I’m portuguese haha :) I want to thank you for post this text because it gave me strength to start and keep on working out. I’m too lazy and I feel fat too many times and I know I’m not fat. It’s good to know that I’m not alone! So thank you and I love you!

  7. Cassey, please, I hope you read this..

    I know how you feel… I wasn’t in the same boat you were in… But please, no matter what, never be hard on yourself.

    It’s great to express your feelings…. But have patience with yourself… You’re a great gal, with a good personality! Never be afraid to be you…
    I seen your triceps video, when you were in that hotel.

    When you purred, seriously, I smiled I was like, “That’s Cassey.” Never, ever, be afraid to be who you are… You’re beautiful.. You really are.

  8. I’m going through a tough time right now- I have been in bikini competition shape and leanness year round for about a year and a half after having anorexia and dropping weight- I gained weight and muscle and got into amazing shape (where I am now) but I am not having my period though every other vital has returned. My estrogen levels are low and so my doctors told me I have to gain weight. Because I had anorexia at 14 and am now 16 I have never been above 106 lbs (5’1) and average 103-105. My doctor wants me at 110 to be able to menstruate. I know I need to think about health first, but I am scared because being so cut has become a huge part of my identity personally and at school. That line “wrongend of a before and after” really resonated with me.. I’m so nervous guys! I want to make sure that I keep my muscle and tone even though I have to gain weight. Tips, advice? Love you guys :)

  9. Hey Cassey!

    I totally understand what you mean by staring at the cardio machines and just, while hating yourself for it, giving up, turning away, and going back home to do something way less productive. I’ve been the fat girl throughout high school, my heaviest being 126 lbs, and I was 5″!! I remember the day I realized I had to do something about my body–I was at the doctor’s and as I was being weighed, I saw the number on the scale and was mortified. My mom was driving us home, and I started to cry and lament, and finally decided to WORK OUT.

    From that day on, I swam every single day for half an hour and discovered Blogilates, although I didnt commit to anything.
    I was seeing changes, and so were other people, and I was really happy about the direction I was going in. I started getting really skinny, and my family began to worry about me–my clavicles looked like knives, my chest bones were visible and you could see my ribs if I just lifted my arms above my head. That was at the end of high school.

    After starting college in a climatic country (I had lived in the tropics all my life), winter bit me on the butt for the first time, and I was STARVING all the time. I ate so much, but kept working out. When I went home to visit in the winter break, my mom kept telling me I had gained weight, and I felt like I had too.

    Anyway, long story short, there are definitely things I can fix about my body, and I’m really really hoping that Blogilates can help me to fine tune everything! I know I look good, but I want to look GREAT, and I just need that extra push to get me to where I want to be.
    I’m a strong believer in working for what you want, and never giving up.

    I sincerely think Blogilates is going to help me get to the right place :)

  10. LauraRM01 says:

    Hie Cassie!!! Hie POpsters!!! I discovered Cassie and the Blogilates community about a month ago I am in the third week of the beginner’s calendar and so far its great. Thank you Cassie for all your hardwork and dedication to us, you are improving people’s lives by not only teaching them about health and fitness but also touching our hearts. Your honest posts are helping me to love and appreciate myself as I am. I am not only stronger but I also stand just a little bit prouder. I have always been heavier than my ideal weight by a range of 20-30pounds. I have always felt fat and ugly, probably because I am the only one in my family who is not slim. My mum, who is 49 has never been heavier than 65kg (and that was when she was 9months pregnant with my brother). She is naturally slim and so are my aunts and some of my cousins. I am learning to eat clean which is a hell of a mission when your family is not interested. Can anyone give me advice on how to convince my family to eat clean and exercise? Its either I am being teased by my siblings for wasting my time or my parents who have good intentions tell me I am beautiful and I should stop fighting my genes. All I want is to be the best possible version of myself on a physical, spiritual and emotional level.

  11. Hey Cassey!
    Wow I’m so glad I stumbled upon this.
    It feels like I wrote this,I felt this way for a long period of time after i gained 20 in college.
    I was so fit and healthy in high school then with college, I’ve gained 20 lbs,
    then lost it and recently gained it back after i broke up with my ex and just going through tough personal problems at home and with family.
    I was at an all time low for a good month.
    I would just eat all day and cry in my room, barely make it to class and dread the idea of working out even though I knew I had to and I needed to feel better all around.

    I watched your videos last year when I first gaind the 20 lbs and couldn’t do them so I gave up and just went to the gym and dreaded working out.
    This time around I’m finding myself a lot stronger by following your lean out mini meal plan, and also doing a lot of cardio and I can do most of the vids with no struggle and i’m having FUN!
    You are my inspiration Cassey and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you and your positivity and constant determination :)
    It’s such an empowering feeling to be able to do now and I can’t wait to lose the last 10 lbs with your vids!
    Thanks Cassey you are THE BEST !!
    -Isabella :)
    xox

  12. Peggy Tan says:

    Hi Cassey! Thanks for posting this! I had also the same issue as you.Which is finding myself having least control over my body! Got to admit! That losing weight and gaining muscles is really hard for me! Especially for impatient people like me who wants to see result fast!I had always tried to search online how to stay motivated before my target weight! However i realize it was just me who is not mentally strong enough. I had times i get really super motivated and drop after one week! This really makes me feel sooo insulting! Yet after i went through your videos, you really motivated me through your words and confession about loving the abs on fire feeling!That really just get me motivated for no reason! I loved your videos so much and i know you are awesome!

  13. Hey Cassey,

    Thank you so much for writing this. I can relate to all of it. I study biochem at school and have almost an identical outlook as that entire post. In fact, I could have easily thought it was me who wrote it. I guess what I’m trying to say is the honesty (and humanity) of this blog makes you even more amazing and admirable. I hit a huge bump yesterday.. I started blogilates a month ago and have been very excited (especially after your videos. your enthusiasm!!!!!!!!!). But, I had to buy work/dress pants yesterday because I start shadowing a doctor on Monday. None of them fit. I went home crying and feeling awful. Well, what I’m trying to say is.. Seeing that sometimes you feel this way is inspiring (even though I’m very sorry you were so upset). It’s easy to look at someone who has their own blog, fitness plan, clothes line… and say “by god they’ve never struggled once with this.”

    xoxo love you, Cassey!!!!

  14. Hey Cassey,

    Just wanted to thank you for being REAL, and being YOU. You inspire so many people in ways you can’t imagine. I hope you realize how grateful I am to you for what you do, and who you are. Thank you for having the courage to write this down and share it with us. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being the best role model. Thank you for being Cassey : )

    With Much Love,
    Every Girl Who’s Ever Looked Up To You <3

  15. Love your honesty! this post is so inspiring to me <3

  16. Hey Cassie,

    I only started blogilates about two weeks ago and I have to say reading this by you made me so inspired and made me feel so much happier and motivated.
    I had the hardest year in uni so far, I didn’t have time to exercise and I gained weight during exam period. It’s been a nightmare to try and lose it since it sits right in the trouble areas (thighs, love handles and tummy). After exams I went back home and people started commenting on how I gained weight and it feels horrible. Especially when you want instant results. I don’t even want to go to the beach because it’s embarrassing to wear a bikini.
    It’s been really inspiring to read this post and know you feel the same way we all feel.
    Thank you.

  17. Hi Cassey,

    I have been obsessing about getting back to the best shape I was in when I went to Israel a few weeks ago. I was doing yoga regularly and eating cleaner than ever. When I got back, I got off my workout schedule and went away to college… the rest is history. Now, 2 and a half years later, I am a college grad and trying to get my life back together. I am at the highest weight I have ever been at and I am so embarrassed to put on a bikini. I did one of your abs work outs today and loved it! Thank you for sharing your story with us and becoming vulnerable. You inspire me to keep going and to believe in myself! It will take time, but I know that the outcome will be worth it! :)

Trackbacks

  1. […] right hand corner was something I wrote 2 literally days ago after I bounced back from my 2-week Feeling-Fat-and-Failing period. It basically says, “Today I am 118 again. THANK GOD. Working hard pays off. I have my […]

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  4. [...] What’s your favorite post and why? The “feeling” posts. Here’s one called Feeling Fat and Failing. [...]

  5. [...] What’s your favorite post and why? The “feeling” posts. Here’s one called Feeling Fat and Failing. [...]

  6. [...] feel-good-endorphins will put your head in the right place. Even if you’re having a “feeling fat and failing” type of day, tuck it away. Just get to the gym. Or go for a walk. Go for a jog with your [...]

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