Feeling Fat and Failing

I originally was going to post this last Wednesday but opted not to because after reading, I felt like such a whiny loser! But as I was going through some of my comments on facebook, I saw that a few of my fans were feeling alone and discouraged in their weight loss journey. Well guys, believe me when I say YOU ARE NOT alone. Even a fitness “guru” can fall. And choose to not get back up.

Now, for those of you that are regular readers of Blogilates, this is not a normal post. It is not inspirational or motivational. But it’s real. And it’s feelings. And I want to share with you what was going through my head last week when I CHOSE NOT TO WORKOUT because I hated how I felt and how I looked.

You’re probably thinking, what? Cassey had a negative thought and let it get to her head? Yes. I let it get to my head. My willpower was completely gone.

THE BACKSTORY:

Before I left for my 2 big trips in May (China and Hawaii), I had gone through a SUPER INTENSE 8 Week experiment with one of my trainer friends. We ate and worked out like “beasts” to build muscle and lean out. I strength trained and did cardio 6 days a week and followed a very strict meal plan that required me to even fast one of the days! (I don’t suggest doing that at all. I made him change the meal plan for me because I had no energy.) At the end of the 8 weeks, I was amazed at how my body looked. I lost 8 lbs and went from 24% body fat to 17.5% body fat. I could see lines and definition that I had only seen in magazines. Although I have always been generally satisfied with my figure, that first week of May was the first time IN MY LIFE that I had ever looked at myself in the mirror wearing a bikini, and loved it. It is one of the best feelings in the world. Accomplishment. Confidence. Strength. All wrapped up in a pretty gray and lime 2-piece.

Anyway, when I got back from my trips, I knew I had I gained weight. As I was traveling, I was constantly irritated inside – not being able to cook for myself, having to eat and socialize the way others wanted, and actually being able to see the fat around my belly bulge out farther and farther everyday was horrific. Staying on track with your diet (or even just eating healthily) when traveling with others with different eating habits is one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience. It was like a self-imposed diet suicide.

Now I know you’re going to say, “Well Cassey you were on vacation, it’s ok.” Yes, I understand it is ok to indulge every once in a while. But too bad I didn’t even let myself enjoy the indulgence because I was so worried about “ruining” my body every second I was eating. You’re probably thinking, “But you consciously made those decisions to eat what you did. So you need to own up to it.” Yes, you’re right. I did make those decisions and I was 100% aware of what I was doing to my hard work. But you can’t enjoy yourself when those decisions were compromised decisions in which a bunch of social factors were involved.

Okay…I am totally going off an a tangent here, I need to get back to my point. My POINT IS that I gained weight after the trips as a result of bad eating and was feeling like the lowest low life on earth for letting myself sabotage my bikini body.

Why do I care so much about having a bikini body you ask? Because friends, throughout my life, my body has been the one thing I feel like I have had the least control over. Yup, I was a chubby kid. Thinned out in high school. Then gained weight in college. Then lost weight after graduation. Then gained it back when I got my first job. I always knew how to get good grades, how to run businesses, how to talk to all sorts of people…but I could never figure out how to control my own weight as strong as I was. Having a bikini body was more than just a vain physical goal. To me, it meant being able to get a hold of myself at the most humanly basic level.

TRYING TO GET BACK TO WHERE I LEFT OFF:

Initially, I was very motivated to get back to the gym and eat my steamed veggies again. I thought it would take just a week of hard work to get back on track. But after 1 week of doing everything right and not seeing any progress, I thought to myself, Cassey you really screwed it up this time. That was last Wednesday.

Last Wednesday, I was at an ALL TIME LOW. All I could do was stare of myself in the mirror, pinch my fat, and cry about how fat I had gotten. Could 8 weeks of hard work really be ruined in 2 I kept asking myself? Apparently. It wasn’t just a scale thing, clothes were tighter, I was puffing, and my energy was low. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I tried to get myself to workout that morning. Couldn’t do it, so I said, ok maybe before I teach Pilates. Didn’t make it in time. Taught class wearing one of my looser fitting “fat day” shirts and when class finished I was like ok, I’m here now, let’s do this. But for some reason I was fighting so hard and finding every excuse to NOT get moving. It was one of the weirdest feelings ever.

I can’t tell you why I did this, but I fought with myself in my head for a good 2 minutes in front of the cardio machines, then grabbed my keys and drove home.

I let my feelings take over. I felt like a big loser for not sucking it up and even doing a light weight lifting session. Anything! Instead I opted to just give up all together. I was so sad that when I came home, ate a lot, and went to bed in tears.

THEN WHAT?

I jumped right back the next day. It ended up taking me an additional 1 week to get back to my pre-vacay body. But today I am writing this post and am feeling good.

CONCLUSION:

It is okay to give up, feel bad for yourself, and eat away your tears. Just take a shower, go to bed, and start over tomorrow. The most important thing here is RESILIENCE. I guess I just needed a break last Wednesday as my mind was exhausted from trying to reach a certain weight within a set amount of time.

If you have been working out and eating clean and not seeing results, make sure you have given it at least a good 3-6 weeks before you judge. If you can’t find the willpower to keep going, that means what you’re doing may not be working for you. You need to enjoy working out and enjoy what you’re eating because it has to be your lifestyle. Change it up.

Losing fat and gaining muscle is a slow process. You’ve got to allow yourself to understand that and it will make the whole journey a lot less discouraging. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that dieting is HARD. No one said it was going to be easy. But I am here with workouts that are fun and the POP pilates community is here to support you through it with their own experiences. (OMG this sounds like an Aladdin Bail Bonds commercial.)

That’s all. This post was too long. I explained way too much. Oh well, I hope some of you read through this and got something out of it.

So…yes I feel fat sometimes too and yes it is okay to fail.

<3 you guys. Stay strong!

Cassey

Comments

  1. Thank you for this. I really needed it. Apparently we really are not alone and that makes me really happy :) you inspire me everyday!!

  2. Dale Unwer says:

    THANK YOU for this post!!!! I can’t thank you enough! I often feel this way and then I feel like I am a loser because of how I feel. You made me realize it happens to us all and I can overcome. THANK YOU!

  3. Cassey you are one of the kindest, strongest, most honest youtube guru I know. All your posts about loving your body/not shaming yourself when you feel too tired to work out etc. inspire me, because you don’t talk to us as a perfect fitness instructor, but as a human being. I can see that you can get sad/insecure/tired sometimes, like all of us, and I love you more because of it. <3 Thank you so much for being here. I have to be honest and say I have never been good at exercising, but I will try again. :D

  4. I guess it’s just human nature to give in sometimes, I do it too xx

  5. Hi Cassey,

    Thank you so very much for this post. I have been feeling the exact same way for the past 2 weeks and i just can’t find my way back into the workouts and diet. This post is exactly what i need because I’ve always thought that fitness gurus are just perfect and never have bad moments but truth is, we are all human. You have inspired me to get back on track TODAY, not tomorrow.
    Thanks again Cassey

  6. Cassey,
    Thank you so much for posting this.
    Watching you in your videos with your endless enthusiasm and energy – you seem unstoppable, you seem indestructable. You never once go “Let’s do 20″ but then get to 10 and say “Screw it that’s hard let’s stop.” Which for me on the other side, struggling to pump out 5 reps is often more intimidating than inspiring. It feels like an impossible task for me to ever be as fit as you. Reading this post honestly inspires me more than your usual infallible image, because it reminds me that what I’m trying to do here is hard for everyone, even those who’ve been in this game a long time.
    Thanks for being real Cassey.
    Thanks for not being afraid to show us that you’re real.
    You are incredible, Cassey.
    Amanda

  7. Wow this is exactly what I needed to hear. I am pretty much going through the same struggles you did weight-wise (from high school to college). Thank you so much for being such an inspirational and motivational speaker! Your genuine confessions are always refreshing and encouraging. I love your blog and youtube workouts! I feel better already!

  8. Hi Cassey! Sorry if my english is not perfect, it’s because I’m portuguese haha :) I want to thank you for post this text because it gave me strength to start and keep on working out. I’m too lazy and I feel fat too many times and I know I’m not fat. It’s good to know that I’m not alone! So thank you and I love you!

  9. Cassey, please, I hope you read this..

    I know how you feel… I wasn’t in the same boat you were in… But please, no matter what, never be hard on yourself.

    It’s great to express your feelings…. But have patience with yourself… You’re a great gal, with a good personality! Never be afraid to be you…
    I seen your triceps video, when you were in that hotel.

    When you purred, seriously, I smiled I was like, “That’s Cassey.” Never, ever, be afraid to be who you are… You’re beautiful.. You really are.

  10. I’m going through a tough time right now- I have been in bikini competition shape and leanness year round for about a year and a half after having anorexia and dropping weight- I gained weight and muscle and got into amazing shape (where I am now) but I am not having my period though every other vital has returned. My estrogen levels are low and so my doctors told me I have to gain weight. Because I had anorexia at 14 and am now 16 I have never been above 106 lbs (5’1) and average 103-105. My doctor wants me at 110 to be able to menstruate. I know I need to think about health first, but I am scared because being so cut has become a huge part of my identity personally and at school. That line “wrongend of a before and after” really resonated with me.. I’m so nervous guys! I want to make sure that I keep my muscle and tone even though I have to gain weight. Tips, advice? Love you guys :)

  11. Hey Cassey!

    I totally understand what you mean by staring at the cardio machines and just, while hating yourself for it, giving up, turning away, and going back home to do something way less productive. I’ve been the fat girl throughout high school, my heaviest being 126 lbs, and I was 5″!! I remember the day I realized I had to do something about my body–I was at the doctor’s and as I was being weighed, I saw the number on the scale and was mortified. My mom was driving us home, and I started to cry and lament, and finally decided to WORK OUT.

    From that day on, I swam every single day for half an hour and discovered Blogilates, although I didnt commit to anything.
    I was seeing changes, and so were other people, and I was really happy about the direction I was going in. I started getting really skinny, and my family began to worry about me–my clavicles looked like knives, my chest bones were visible and you could see my ribs if I just lifted my arms above my head. That was at the end of high school.

    After starting college in a climatic country (I had lived in the tropics all my life), winter bit me on the butt for the first time, and I was STARVING all the time. I ate so much, but kept working out. When I went home to visit in the winter break, my mom kept telling me I had gained weight, and I felt like I had too.

    Anyway, long story short, there are definitely things I can fix about my body, and I’m really really hoping that Blogilates can help me to fine tune everything! I know I look good, but I want to look GREAT, and I just need that extra push to get me to where I want to be.
    I’m a strong believer in working for what you want, and never giving up.

    I sincerely think Blogilates is going to help me get to the right place :)

  12. LauraRM01 says:

    Hie Cassie!!! Hie POpsters!!! I discovered Cassie and the Blogilates community about a month ago I am in the third week of the beginner’s calendar and so far its great. Thank you Cassie for all your hardwork and dedication to us, you are improving people’s lives by not only teaching them about health and fitness but also touching our hearts. Your honest posts are helping me to love and appreciate myself as I am. I am not only stronger but I also stand just a little bit prouder. I have always been heavier than my ideal weight by a range of 20-30pounds. I have always felt fat and ugly, probably because I am the only one in my family who is not slim. My mum, who is 49 has never been heavier than 65kg (and that was when she was 9months pregnant with my brother). She is naturally slim and so are my aunts and some of my cousins. I am learning to eat clean which is a hell of a mission when your family is not interested. Can anyone give me advice on how to convince my family to eat clean and exercise? Its either I am being teased by my siblings for wasting my time or my parents who have good intentions tell me I am beautiful and I should stop fighting my genes. All I want is to be the best possible version of myself on a physical, spiritual and emotional level.

  13. Hey Cassey!
    Wow I’m so glad I stumbled upon this.
    It feels like I wrote this,I felt this way for a long period of time after i gained 20 in college.
    I was so fit and healthy in high school then with college, I’ve gained 20 lbs,
    then lost it and recently gained it back after i broke up with my ex and just going through tough personal problems at home and with family.
    I was at an all time low for a good month.
    I would just eat all day and cry in my room, barely make it to class and dread the idea of working out even though I knew I had to and I needed to feel better all around.

    I watched your videos last year when I first gaind the 20 lbs and couldn’t do them so I gave up and just went to the gym and dreaded working out.
    This time around I’m finding myself a lot stronger by following your lean out mini meal plan, and also doing a lot of cardio and I can do most of the vids with no struggle and i’m having FUN!
    You are my inspiration Cassey and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you and your positivity and constant determination :)
    It’s such an empowering feeling to be able to do now and I can’t wait to lose the last 10 lbs with your vids!
    Thanks Cassey you are THE BEST !!
    -Isabella :)
    xox

  14. Peggy Tan says:

    Hi Cassey! Thanks for posting this! I had also the same issue as you.Which is finding myself having least control over my body! Got to admit! That losing weight and gaining muscles is really hard for me! Especially for impatient people like me who wants to see result fast!I had always tried to search online how to stay motivated before my target weight! However i realize it was just me who is not mentally strong enough. I had times i get really super motivated and drop after one week! This really makes me feel sooo insulting! Yet after i went through your videos, you really motivated me through your words and confession about loving the abs on fire feeling!That really just get me motivated for no reason! I loved your videos so much and i know you are awesome!

  15. Hey Cassey,

    Thank you so much for writing this. I can relate to all of it. I study biochem at school and have almost an identical outlook as that entire post. In fact, I could have easily thought it was me who wrote it. I guess what I’m trying to say is the honesty (and humanity) of this blog makes you even more amazing and admirable. I hit a huge bump yesterday.. I started blogilates a month ago and have been very excited (especially after your videos. your enthusiasm!!!!!!!!!). But, I had to buy work/dress pants yesterday because I start shadowing a doctor on Monday. None of them fit. I went home crying and feeling awful. Well, what I’m trying to say is.. Seeing that sometimes you feel this way is inspiring (even though I’m very sorry you were so upset). It’s easy to look at someone who has their own blog, fitness plan, clothes line… and say “by god they’ve never struggled once with this.”

    xoxo love you, Cassey!!!!

  16. Hey Cassey,

    Just wanted to thank you for being REAL, and being YOU. You inspire so many people in ways you can’t imagine. I hope you realize how grateful I am to you for what you do, and who you are. Thank you for having the courage to write this down and share it with us. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being the best role model. Thank you for being Cassey : )

    With Much Love,
    Every Girl Who’s Ever Looked Up To You <3

  17. Love your honesty! this post is so inspiring to me <3

  18. Hey Cassie,

    I only started blogilates about two weeks ago and I have to say reading this by you made me so inspired and made me feel so much happier and motivated.
    I had the hardest year in uni so far, I didn’t have time to exercise and I gained weight during exam period. It’s been a nightmare to try and lose it since it sits right in the trouble areas (thighs, love handles and tummy). After exams I went back home and people started commenting on how I gained weight and it feels horrible. Especially when you want instant results. I don’t even want to go to the beach because it’s embarrassing to wear a bikini.
    It’s been really inspiring to read this post and know you feel the same way we all feel.
    Thank you.

  19. Hi Cassey,

    I have been obsessing about getting back to the best shape I was in when I went to Israel a few weeks ago. I was doing yoga regularly and eating cleaner than ever. When I got back, I got off my workout schedule and went away to college… the rest is history. Now, 2 and a half years later, I am a college grad and trying to get my life back together. I am at the highest weight I have ever been at and I am so embarrassed to put on a bikini. I did one of your abs work outs today and loved it! Thank you for sharing your story with us and becoming vulnerable. You inspire me to keep going and to believe in myself! It will take time, but I know that the outcome will be worth it! :)

  20. Angie Pettersen says:

    Thank you for posting this! I really needed to hear this and there’s a lot of good info I always forget. We have the same mindset in the sense that having a hot bod is the thing that controls our every thought and when things don’t work out it’s scary. I need to remember that changes don’t happen overnight and I need to stay strong. You are such amazing motivation and inspiration! Thank you for being you and helping girls like me believe it’s possible. I am so excited to start your 8 week meal plan and have recently found your videos and LOVE them! I cannot wait to see where my dedication and determination can take me. Again, than you so much :)

  21. Thank you so much for this post. I usually feel as though the professionals never have a lazy rough day and are always ready to workout more and more. Because of that, it’s always seemed as though there is a rift between them and me. You just bridged that gap and made me realize that even on those days when I do give up, it’s not the end of my workout road. It’s just a pit stop. :) Thanks Cassey!

  22. Morgan Miller says:

    Just got home from a weekend of hotel living. This is exactly what I needed to see.

  23. Brianne says:

    I discovered your blog two weeks ago and started doing the maymuscles calendar and vowed to eat clean. I can’t believe the difference I’ve seen in just two weeks! And best of all, my energy has been higher, my mood has improved and I’m starting to feel like I CAN DO THIS!

    Unfortunately, I’m having a day very much like this post today. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and I’ve been visiting him for the last 3 days. My yolo meal on Friday night turned into a yolo weekend, and today I woke up feeling fat, depressed and angry with myself for “undoing” all of the hard work I had put in over the last two weeks. I’m SO happy I found this post! I can so relate and am feeling more inspired than ever to jump back on the bandwagon of eating clean and following the calendar. I really needed this reminder that fitness and weight loss are a journey, not an immediate fix, and that I need to give it time and have patience and faith that my hard work will be rewarded with results.

    Thank you Cassey for admitting to being human! You’ve really helped me forgive myself and move on. I’m off to do the 100 burpee challenge! :-)

  24. I know this is an older post, but i had a day like this today and reading this gave me the motiviation to get back on track tomorrow :) thank you!! love you posts they always find their ways into my life when i need them the most :)

  25. Hey Cassie,

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    It’s been a week that i’ve been eating healthy and working out and i see no progress. I know i’m on the right track but it’s exhausting when you see no progress, specially that it’s almost summer!

    Your blog is so cool, stylish and fresh! Thank you for all the motivation!

  26. Oh my gosh, Cassey! I have felt (and feel) the same way, and I just want to thank you for being honest and showing that there are always going to be days where we struggle. And yes, I agree. You mess up, then you pick yourself up and keep going. That’s the way to do it.

    And I have learned more and more that I cannot always rely on my feelings when I make decisions. A little less than a week ago, I started doing your beginners pilates workouts every morning (and I did this morning as well), and let me tell you, it has been super hard! But then I woke up this morning, and looked in the mirror… and already, my stomach was looking a bit flatter.

    The point is simply that I want to thank you for inspiring me – you are a true leader, and I sure hope to one day be helping out as many people as you do!

    Much love!

    ~ Natalyn

    P.S. I left my blog website on this comment. It’s only like a year old, but it has some fun clean-eating recipes that I think you would like.
    P.S.S. I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s morning workout!!

  27. This saddens me.
    It sounds like what someone with an eating disorder would say.

    {I am not accusing you of having an eating disorder at all} But when someone with anorexia, who would starve their bodies would eat the smallest portion of anything they would feel bloated and fat and HUGE because their stomachs are so little. In fact, even drinking water makes people with a small stomach feel bloated {makes sense.}
    My point is that your 8-week diet was just that; 8 weeks. It was not meant to be long term. So yes, once you start easing in to longer lasting eating-lifestyle you will gain weight. That’s what happens.
    So we all to find that happy medium of working out and eating right, but not obsessively.

    I hope that now you feel more comfortable with your body and sense of self. I’m sorry you were at an all time low, and I’m hoping you can love and appreciate yourself enough to never have to feel like that again.

  28. Gabriela says:

    I enjoyed this blog so much. It made me realize that you are just a normal woman who got the hang of your body which means I can too! Thank you for your honesty. I am excited to get started!

  29. Cassey you are AWESOME :’)
    When it all seemed very overwhelming with the beautiful girls I know judging me (unconsciously but yeah) by my physique I was totally down in the dumps :( Please continue inspiring all the girls out there including myself I love your personality and every time I do your workouts I feel uplifted :)

  30. Cassey, this is amazing. You are so inspirational and have given me a whole new outlook and motivation with your brilliant, unique approach. You just described the way I feel a LOT of the time and it’s so good to see that you are human too! You’re still perfect, and we still love you. <3 x

  31. Hi Cassey! I’m very new visitor to your site and was just browsing around when I found this entry. I nearly cried. You are such an inspiration! I’m currently working on loosing the weight I gained after starting my first ‘adult’ job. I have been working out and eating more thoughtfully which has been great but hard days still happen. Thanks for being upfront about that fact but highlighting that it’s about greeting each day as a new opportunity to push harder and achieve your goals. Your positivity is contagious. Thanks for sharing your experience with the world <3

  32. Cassey,

    This is exactly what I needed to read today. I found your blog and YouTube channel just over a week ago, and I have been following your March calendar. Before I found you though, I was still working out, 4-5 days a week, lifting, doing abs, and doing cardio. I have been “dieting” so long, I don’t know what its like to feel like a normal person anymore. It seems like my whole life revolves around the food I have to eat and the workouts I have to do. I have PCOS, and gained 90 lbs in about a year and a half because of my hormones being out of whack and other emotional issues. I have been overweight for 8 years now, and have been struggling to lose the weight for most of that time. Granted if I had been doing it the right way I would have lost the weight a long time ago, but like so many others, I would fall into fad diet traps and weight loss pill hoaxes. It wasn’t until October of 2011 that I actually started to exercise and watch my calories. Anyways, I had lost 65 lbs since then, with a long break over the summer where I just maintained, but then gained 25 lbs back over the holidays. I have been working out since the beginning of the year to try to get rid of that, and I’ve lost 15 lbs, but for the last few weeks it seems like I’m at a plateau, and even gained a lb this week, even though I’ve been following your calendar, eating 1,000-1,200 calories a day, and walking/jogging 12 miles a week. I just feel so frustrated! I am going to Cancun May 4th and I really just want to look the best I have in years, and feel confident on the beach, but I feel like the closer that trip gets, the less chance I have of that, and that another amazing vacation will be ruined by my body image issues. To cut an already long story short, reading what you said about giving it 3-6 weeks to see a change provided me with an answer to my question “when will I quit ‘gaining muscle’ and start actually losing fat” and I really needed it. Maybe by the end of the March calendar I will start seeing my hard work pay off!

    Thank you for being such a big inspiration to me!

  33. I feel like you are more like how I was when I was in junior high because it was easier to stay 120-125 lbs while working out all of the time, but now I am about 155 pounds partially because of a medication. However, I walk 3.5 miles four days a week, run twice a week, and do strength training at least once a week. I know what you eat matters so I eat small meals throughout the day and the recommended amount of fruits and vegetables +water…

  34. You understand us so well Cassey <3 I seriously feel like you're the older sister I've never had :)

  35. Cass!! I love you! Just discovered you last week, it was almost serendipity story. I gained so much weight in my first one and a half year into working. I need to get back in shape, and am so thankful for this blog and community! I’ve been on and off dieting, but the on is never long enough to succeed. Discouragement is no stranger to me when it comes to dieting. Thanks for writing this post!

    Love you!

  36. Wow it is amazing to see that you also fail.. And it inspires me to work harder.

  37. This was really inspirational.

    I’ve only been on this site for a few days and I’ve been blown away with how strong you are, creative with workouts, and can do it all smiling. It’s a relief to hear you’re human and go through rough patches. I’ve gone through the same thing. Struggled to get the bikini body for control, then lost it when I came home for vacations in college.

    Thank you for inspiring me to bounce back, and if you have a hard time again, I’m sure everyone on blogilates will jump to support you.

    <3

  38. Cassey,

    I really appreciate this post. Letting everyone see that you struggle at times makes you even more relatable. I particularly identified with the frustration you felt having to eat what others wanted, on their schedule. If you felt that way traveling in China for 2 weeks, imagine how I felt living there for a year! In rural China, you are always a ‘guest’ and every dish is chosen for the group at large. I’ve come home to a closet full of clothes that I can hardly believe I ever fit into. Following your workout schedule and meal plan give me hope that I can get back to feeling like myself again. Way down deep in the “feeling fat and failing” hole, it’s nice to have someone light a path when it’s just all too overwhelming to try and find a starting point on your own.

    Thanks!

  39. Awww Casseeyyy!
    I love your blog so much! You are such an inspiration(:

  40. Cassey,
    This is the best post I’ve ever read. Oh my goodness, this is exactly how I feel right now. I’ve been dealing with major food and body drama. I just printed your October calendar and I’m starting tomorrow. You make me so happy, I honestly wish we were friends so I could talk to you more!

    <3 Always,
    Hannah

  41. Thanks for sharing that post! I have been trying majority of the summer to get the “bikini dream body” and I feel like it takes FOREVER to see even the slightest result. I often do feel like it’s just me that ever feels like this so THANK YOU for sharing and saying it’s okay. Sometimes I think that’s all I need to hear sometimes; that the way I’m feeling is normal and okay.
    Thanks again! really looking forward to do more of your workouts!
    I’ll have to keep you posted on my results!
    Thanks again!

  42. THANK GOD I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE. It was encouraging to me that someone as fit & dedicated as you can fall off sometimes, too. I was starting to think you just go go go 100% of the time and I would NEVER be able to get there so what’s the point?

  43. Wow.
    Cassey, that helped so much! I’ve been beating myself up trying to get into my happy place after a long time friend had judged my choice of becoming a vegan about loosing weight. he said I was fat. I used to love working out and wouldn’t stress but after that one tiny insult that may or may not have been a joke, I was done. My confidence went right out the window.
    This post has really inspiring and will help me pick myself up and get going into my workouts for me, not just as a body image or because someone tore me down, but to be able to say I got knocked down but I had the strength to get back up. I will have the body I want. I was chubby as a kid but I wasn’t fat. I ran everyday and played soccer and football all the time but I wasn’t toning or anything, I was a kid! So now I’m determined to prove to MYSELF that I can and will be someone who looks in the mirror and loves every inch.
    Thanks Cassey for really helping me through this! Great to know someone else has low points but were able to bounce back. You’re a real inspiration and I seriously appriciate it!!
    Sorry I went a little ham on here… my bad! much love !
    -Hannah
    xxxx

  44. Cassey- thank you for posting this. As someone who is currently going through a
    Feeling Fat and Failing phase, this was incredibly inspirational. I discovered your blog while trying to find a new workout plan to get myself motivated. I was already loving this blog, but after reading this article I will definitely be a permanent member here :-) Thanks for being open and honest about your hard times to try to help inspire us! (Also to all you ladies commenting- thanks for sharing your stories, I already feel I’m in great company here and it’s so great to know that I’m not alone with all these feelings!!)

  45. Wow. What an inspirational blog post – for me, more so than the intentionally inspirational ones! I have never read something that so entirely encapsulates my own attitude towards my body. As seems to be the case with a lot of women, I only feel totally in control of my own life when I’m eating well, exercising and generally treating my body and self with respect. Whenever I slip up, I feel like I’ve completely let myself down and that I should just give up. This blog post has made me realise that I am not the only person who feels like a failure sometimes, and that I’m not actually a failure at all! Thank you, Cassey, for being so open and honest.

  46. Thank you for posting this!!!

    First of all- came across one of your videos on Pinterest- and I thought hmmm this looks good. The next day at the gym, I played the video from my Iphone…. yeah I wanted to cry. Haha! It hurt so bad, but I had alot of fun! Loved the music, your personality, the exercises, everything! Great work! :)

    Secondly, It is comforting hearing your struggles with your weight. I suppose its pretty easy to put certain individuals on pedistals, not realizing they go through the same ups and downs. I never could understand why eating healthy and exercising was such an issue for me- I am a smart girl and driven/determined as hell- why couldn’t I get a handle on my weight??!!

    I guess everyone has their own journey to travel down, and thankfully I have completely readjusted my thoughts on healthy living. Weight wise I have lost 60 lbs, but more importantly, I am happy and not at battle with myself. Lately the cravings for sugar have been coming back and I have had a couple bad unplanned cheat meals this past month.. and normally this is the part where things fall apart. But perhaps the most important secret to weight loss, like your blog states, When you fall off the horse get back on. Easier said than done- but its worth it!! :)

    Thank you so much for your wonderful videos!!! Keep on in this direction, you’re doing awesome!! :)

    All the best!

    can so frusterating to

  47. Hi, Cassie:

    I have been reading and following your blog but didn’t read this post until now and so glad I did. I actually went through the very exact up-and-down cycle recently, and took me wayyyyy longer time to get back to exercise and healthy diet.
    I never felt like I had any control in many aspects of my life, and about 6 months ago before I turned 30, I decided to do something good for myself so I joined a local boot camp. I am not over-weight or anything (5’4 and 120-125pounds) but I wanted to look really really good before the big three O. It was kinda difficult at first as I never got up to early (5am) but I began picking up the routine and liked it. Along the way the faculty that ran the boot camp decided to do a 90 days challenge with a big prize ($3000)!! The idea of winning that money didn’t really hit me until I realized I could use the money to improve some other aspect of my life and I began to really focus at winning (the money, and not the lifestyle change). So I did what you did on the 8wk bikini diet, TONS of cardio, weight training, very restricted eating (celery, egg, cucumber, apple, and geek yogurts were my best friends) and sadly, diet pills (to enhance my performance plus keep my energy up with all the caffeeine).

    Yes, I did win contest (technically, there was three runner up and I was one of them…long story so I will skip that part) and I was sooooo happy!!! The whole time I felt like I was on top of the world and I was super happy, positive(which rarely happens to me), and productive. Then a new project at work got in the way (I know, my lame excuse) and I gained all the weight back (I went from 125pounds-113pounds in 90 days, and reversed back) and I felt soooo down and depressed. I no longer felt positive and dreaded of going to the gym. I knew I can repeat what I did but suddenly had no motivation or means to do it. It was one of my darkest time in my life.

    It took me 2 months or so to slowly get back on my feet. Right now I am working on losing some weight and body fat and build more lean muscle. I am taking it slower this time and most importantly, I learned that just like you said, it’s RESILIENCE and persistence that would keep me to reach my goal and not sudden, drastic change as it would never last. So still longer way to reach my ideal but I am ready to get there!!!

    Love your videos and blog and keep your the amazing energy and smile!!!

    Linda

  48. This made my day 10 times better.
    I just started in one of the most stressful professions, policing. I trained my butt off for a year and was in the best shape of my life. I felt confident and beautiful and just comfortable in my own skin. Since starting work, the stress level has caused me to gain fat. Fat which I didn’t even have before training.
    It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels low!
    I’m starting the bikini meal plan and workouts tomorrow; thank you for the inspiration.

  49. Mariana Esquivel says:

    Hey Cassey..
    Just wanted to let you know that you are awesome! Thanks to you I have lost all the baby weight from my second son. I did the 90 day challenge and saw great results but for the past 3 weeks I started 10 hr work days and I usually only work 6 hrs so I worked out in the morning. Haven’t worked out in 3 weeks! Bad I know, but I just get home sooo tired and I find that I have no energy and all I want to do is sleep. I have tried to keep eating clean but somedays I give into temptation. I am feeling “fat” right now even though I know im not. I feel like I am letting my body down. Next week I go back to my regular work schedule and im hoping to get back into my workout routine. I miss the feeling of actually wanting to workout. Anyways, I want to really thank you because you are an inspiration, keep doing what you do!!!

  50. Lindsay says:

    This is my first time visiting your blog and I think I stumbled upon it for a reason. I am living your Wednesday today. I feel like i am at an all time low. I dont ever comment on blogs, talk about myself much or like to complain for that matter but your storey seemed so much like mine i had to share. I just hope mine ends up like yours someday…

    So I share the same story of being the “chubby kid” and when i got to high school i was surrounded by girlfriends that cried when the scale read 102 lbs. I decided to work hard and lose the weight. After shedding 20 lbs i felt more motivated than ever. I finally had the body i felt most comfortable in. Then I went to college and gained the freshman 15… Well in my case the freshman 30. (i know! Sad right haha). Then, like you I got my motivation back and I lost the weight after college. I am most happy when I am working out, eating healthy, am lean and am fitting into my size 4 skinny jeans. Sadly, at that point I don’t remember appreciating my body as I do now that I don’t have it. About 2 years ago I started working a stressful desk job and unfortunately gained the weight back. I feel so out of control and my only wish is to someday be in control of my body. I was feeling so low today I thought I was going to just cry myself to sleep, but then I stumbled upon this blog. It truly inspired me and made me feel like I’m not the only one. It made me feel like I can do it, like I can someday be in control. Like i can someday get back to being comfortable and proud when I look in the mirror. This time i will appreciate my body and my hard work. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me hope.

  51. Cassey, you are an inspiration! I never comment on people’s blogs, but you’re story is so close to mine–and you look like me! :) ( Always helps when the instructor isn’t a blonde Barbie, but a pretty asian girl like me) Yep, good grades, running a business, all that is easy…why is eating right and working out to make YOUR SELF happy with the reflection in the mirror SO HARD?
    I am on week 3 of a 6 week goal for myself. When my bf gets back we are going on vacation, and I want to be CONFIDENT. I KNOW he thinks I’m beautiful the way I am, but, this is not about him. It is about me, and how I feel when I look at my body. I’ve been struggling with my body image for as long as I can remember.
    I tried a low carb diet the last few days, and added some oatmeal to my morning before a workout like I had been the first two weeks-yeah, I need carbs :) I felt all around more energized last week, and already feeling better today.
    Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. Knowing that it’s not just ‘silly girl insecurities’ in my head-that even someone as beautiful as yourself has moments of self doubt makes everything more real-that we are all just human. And its okay. Like you said, just wake up & start over.
    :)

  52. So glad I read this! <3

  53. Thank you very much for that article. It is exactly how I feel sometimes and it is nice to know that I am not alone. I agree 100% with what you wrote. I was doing really well and very happy with how my body and energy level was. Then I went to visit my family for a week and we ate out most meals and had candy around (which is one weakness of mine that I can not moderate well without binging!) After that one week I undid months of hard work and I got really down on myself. It took me a few weeks to get back into my usual workout routine and healthy lifestyle. But I only lost a few of the pounds that I gained. Lately I have been down on myself again that I am not back to where I was before and I am self-sabotaging myself by binging, and laying around. What’s worse is I have zero energy and its hard to get motivated to go to the gym. But I have to remember to stick with it and it will take time. Thanks for your reminder and the motivation. I know that even if I dont have the perfect body that I will at least be healthier and on my way!

  54. omg. I am in exactly the same situation right now. I just got back from holiday and I feel fat and ugh. and I haven’t worked out.
    :(

  55. Hey Cassie!
    Reading this and your blog is amazing! I love everything you write and do! But I have an issue, I just can’t seem to find the resillience to start doing exercise or eating clean again! I was at my fittest when I was eating healthy and waking up to do 3 of your pilates videos every morning. I was so happy. But then everything started taking its toll… high school, friends, family and then I stopped. I really want to get back to being fit and healthy. I really need some help or some motivation or just advice to know someone can help, I’m sorry I’m pouring this to you. Just (whether you know it or not) you’re the one who got me there in the first place and I really need a word from you to push me back on track :)

  56. Thank you so much for posting this. I actually stumbled across this article because I had a huge binge after celebrating Mother’s Day (earlier, I know!) with my mom, and was looking for ways to easily restrict and lose the weight/bloat/disgusting feelings I gained. After reading that someone as gorgeous and fit as you can feel down, I know that I can lose the weight/bloat/fat I lost by weight training and eating clean too!

  57. Toyota says:

    Very encouraging! Thank you!

  58. Natesha says:

    Caroline, I know this is months after you said it- but you took the words right out of my mouth! I can’t thank Cassey enough for her authenticity! She is so real, it motivates me. Allowing her bloggers to actually see who she really is through intimate posts like this is why I keep coming back- it makes me feel like I am not alone…Thanks Cassey!

  59. yeah we’re all human!

  60. Wow, I’m kind of late on reading this post but I’m really happy that I did because I was going through the same kind of thing this week, kept feeling fat and binging and it took me a few days to actually push myself to get back on track but as of yesterday, I’m eating clean and working out again! And I couldn’t feel better! And this post made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who this happened to so thanks so much for sharing with us the truth about how you feel! :)

  61. thank you for that candid post Cassey :)

  62. Thank you so much. Your explanation about the element of control in your quest for fitness really resonated with me, particularly where you wrote “to me, it meant being able to get a hold of myself at the most humanly basic level.” I spent my senior year of high school relentlessly working out in order to start college with my dream body. It helped that I worked at Equinox and was surrounded by amazing, healthy people. Unfortunately, one semester of binge drinking, southern cooking, and a nasty bout of pneumonia have DESTROYED my body. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror and I hate the glutton I’ve become. This post inspired me to get back in the game and get my body back, even though some days these 15 lbs feel like 500.

  63. i really liked ur video! beautiful

  64. Marie-Pierre says:

    ” If you have never failed, it’s because you never tried hard enough! ”

    I like this quote, to remind me that failing is part of succeeding, and to not be too hard on myself, EVER.

    Ps. I REALLY appreciated your post, makes me feel better to know that even fitness gurus can experience this. But YOU are real enough to let us know! Thank you so much! &Keep up the good work hun! I just discoved your website, and I love the energy I get from it! I’ll be coming back, that’s for sure. (; Ox

  65. Thank you so much for this post. I have recently discovered your methods and love your workouts! I have incorporated them into my morning routine and can’t wait until I start my dietary adjustments on the first. There is no way I am every going to be perfect because perfection is not humanly possible. I will leave that to God and stick to being the healthiest me I can be! Thanks again.

  66. Hi Cassey! I’ve been feeling the exact same way too. I’ve been overwelmed by the finals week in high school. I’ve stopped working out for about 2-3 weeks, and I’ve been bloating ever since, and i feel awful and fat. Even tought my fat pourcentage is a healthy weight, I lost the body i had a few weeks a go… But tomorrow…. Well tomorrow i want to start over just like you did. I want to feel the burn again when I work out and laugh after each workout because if someone would see me doing the working out, they would laugh like hell. But it’s ok. Anyways, lets get back to the point. I will strart again. I will try to seperate my time like so: EXERCICE, SCHOOL WORK, RELIGION.God bless you cassey! You are my idol and I wish to be like you one day…
    A yound girl with a lot of dream :) ♥

  67. Wow… I needed to hear this :

    Losing fat and gaining muscle is a slow process. You’ve got to allow yourself to understand that and it will make the whole journey a lot less discouraging. If you ever feel like giving up, just remember that dieting is HARD. No one said it was going to be easy. But I am here with workouts that are fun and the POP pilates community is here to support you through it with their own experiences. (OMG this sounds like an Aladdin Bail Bonds commercial.)

    Thanks, I feel like it was a sisterly pat on the back and tipping my chin back up to the sky. I’ve moved so much and had so much stress in the past few years with my husband being in the Army, being deployed, moving from the east coast to the west coast to the east coast and then back again… it has been crazy. I love eating clean. I love eating my food as fuel and not as comfort. I love exercising, but waiting for the results is hard even for the most patient people. This was very motivating. Thank you.

    Emily

  68. Cassey —

    I just discovered your blog, and I think it’s amazing – somehow exactly what I needed right now! I’m in the process of trying to lose weight, and it has been so incredibly frustrating. Not only am I discovering all your great workouts, which I can’t wait to try, but I also cannot thank you enough for your authenticity! It is inspiring me, and I feel like it’s that little extra “boost” I needed to keep me going! I can’t wait to see what’s in store :)

  69. Cassey,

    Thank you so much for this post; I really appreciate you being honest and vulnerable with your community–and know that we all LOVE you for all that you are, all that you share, and all that you do. And at the end of the day, if you ever hit your “all time low,” we know you are still so strong, so positive, and so RESILIENT indeed! :) Please keep up the great work and the positive attitude; the Lord has blessed you and I am hopeful that you are continuing to give thanks to God every day!

  70. yes even just one!

  71. I just re-read this post again because I was looking over recipes… finding excuses to NOT go work out…and saw it as one of the little “you might like” posts at the bottom of the page. Re-read it and you know what! I need to go work out. I would be silly not to, I just feel tired and sluggish from not getting a good sleep last night…or for most of the week.. But perhaps at least just one POP pilates video would be ok. Thanks (as always) Cassey!!

  72. gosh i never thought of you having basically the same issues i’ve got regarding body image i mean for me, my ideal body is yours, really. I gotta say you look beautiful and as you said every once in a while everyone gets discouraged but the important thing is to be able to keep going and well is nice to know i’m not the only one that goes through that.

    Thank you so much for posting this :)

  73. Wow, this sounds so much like me. I never would have thought that you ever struggled with your weight, your body is just so perfect.

    I’ve been struggling with my weight for my whole life and am only just now starting to get it under control (I’m 25 now). But it hasn’t been easy! I jog twice per day, do pilates and have completely changed my diet. I still slip up sometimes, and I wind up hating myself for it. It’s such a slow process and it’s frustrating but I’m so close to where I want to be.

    So thanks for posting this, it helps to know that I’m not alone.

  74. Thanks for the kind words :)

  75. I know this reply is kinda late already. But I had just read it and want to say that I feel you. I had always been depressed about my weight. But I’m okay now. :) I even made a short film (only 6 minutes) about it. You can check it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzSIl1BAJPg
    You might get something from it. :)

    And yes, if ever you feel down again, please don’t give up. You inspire us Cassey. :’) Though your exercise videos are really tough, you manage to help us through it. So I really want to thank you for that. :)

Trackbacks

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